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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say it's fine to not do favours for someone because you don't like them?

103 replies

sallyinside · 04/05/2024 09:03

Namely my husbands ex partner. He shares children with her. We also share a child.

She made our life very difficult for a long time and still does whenever the opportunity arises. I do not like her as a person, she is selfish, manipulative and generally thinks of no one but herself. There are lots I could go into but specifics aren't important really, I just don't think she's a good person... she's the kind of person who has been arrested in the past for attacking him for context.

I like to stay way way out of their relationship, for my own sanity. The abuse she used to give to him over message and the phone used to really wind me up so I've detached massively and now have absolutely nothing to do with her when I can help it.

However she does have a habit of asking for favors quite often from me if my husband is unable to do what she wants him to (having DSC an extra night or whilst she goes on holiday, collecting them from school on her days etc..) during those times it's like she forgets she's usually hideous about me/us and I'm expected to pitch in and help her. I often do it for DSCs sake and DHs and just roll my eyes at her hypocrisy (shouting how I'm not their mum so shouldn't be alone with them for example but then in the next breath asking for my help when she needs it).

As I say I have always tried to stay well out of it, ive never retaliated other than to have a moan at my husband occasionally about her.

My husband, in my opinion, has a habit of doing anything for an easy life and would prefer to get on with her so goes along with a lot for the sake of not arguing (she's refused access in the past when he hasn't danced to her tune).

The latest request is that her apparent childcare has fallen through for bank holiday and she is "desperate" for someone to have DSC AND her child with her current partner. My husband is also working so guess who's now being asked...!

I've just said no this time. I was planning a day out with my mum and mine and DHs DC and when DH asked I've just been honest and said I don't want to do her a favour. I don't like her so why would I. He thinks I should for harmonies sake I.e. to make his life easier. I think if you're not a nice person people won't want to do you favours so live with it.

Aibu to think you don't have to do anyone a favour if you don't like or get on with them. DSC I could just about justify but her other child?! A cheeky request if there ever was one!

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 04/05/2024 10:59

Stick to your guns-she’s assuming you’ll always be her default childcare no matter how unpleasant she is to you! I bet if you say yes, it’ll happen more and more. Draw your line in the sand…

BMW6 · 04/05/2024 10:59

I'd laugh in her face and absolutely not do any favours whatsoever.

ArseholeCatIsABlackAndWhiteCat · 04/05/2024 11:01

WhatDaPoint · 04/05/2024 10:58

If it was something I could change I would have them I think. It's a bit shit but what matters is the kids and their relationship with their Dad. The ex is a loose canon and sounds horrible but you can't change that. She is always going to have the 'power' and I think it's easier to accept that and do what you can for the kids. Basically I would completely ignore the fact she is awful and try and stop feeling like I was battling her. (I know that's easier said than done)

I understand that looks like you would be being a complete doormat but I still think it's the best thing for the kids. I'd even welcome having 'her' kid although I'd look at it as having your husbands kids sibling as that sounds much better. I'd also make sure they all had a great day although that might backfire as they might want to keep having you mind them.

Obviously if you can't easily change plans then I wouldn't worry about it.

It wouldn't just look it, OP WOULD be a complete doormat.

Newestname002 · 04/05/2024 11:15

@sallyinside

The latest request is that her apparent childcare has fallen through for bank holiday and she is "desperate" for someone to have DSC AND her child with her current partner. My husband is also working so guess who's now being asked...!

OP Say "No" loudly, firmly and with no room for misunderstanding. It's down to your partner to manage this and not automatically turn to you to make your own life easier- especially when one of the children is with another man. Surely her partner's family, or her own birth family should be approached before everyone tries to dump on you. Don't change your plans or get further involved - let your husband grow a spine and deal with it appropriately without involving you. Once you give in once you'll be in the hook again in the future. After all, if you did it this time, why would you have a problem to do the same again? 🌹

Lovinglife57 · 04/05/2024 11:42

WhatDaPoint · 04/05/2024 10:58

If it was something I could change I would have them I think. It's a bit shit but what matters is the kids and their relationship with their Dad. The ex is a loose canon and sounds horrible but you can't change that. She is always going to have the 'power' and I think it's easier to accept that and do what you can for the kids. Basically I would completely ignore the fact she is awful and try and stop feeling like I was battling her. (I know that's easier said than done)

I understand that looks like you would be being a complete doormat but I still think it's the best thing for the kids. I'd even welcome having 'her' kid although I'd look at it as having your husbands kids sibling as that sounds much better. I'd also make sure they all had a great day although that might backfire as they might want to keep having you mind them.

Obviously if you can't easily change plans then I wouldn't worry about it.

💯

Alwaysalwayscold · 04/05/2024 11:47

Don't give her an explanation. Just say no.

doitwithlove · 04/05/2024 11:50

"Well done OP for saying no". 🌻

Inertia · 04/05/2024 11:53

If your DH wants the babysitting done, he needs to take the day off work and do it himself. You have plans with family already organised.

Cucumbersalsa · 04/05/2024 11:54

YANBU

we no longer do any favours or even see MIL - she was consistently rude to me and we kept saying no more then she kept demanding lifts/help whilst still always being really rude to me and it got worse so we went NC ! No regrets at all. Some people are just CF’s

poetryandwine · 04/05/2024 12:03

Do not change your plans for these people!

LakeTiticaca · 04/05/2024 12:16

Yanbu . She is a CF, and you have set a precedent by agreeing to help her in the past. You owe her absolutely nothing. Stand firm and don't feel guilty. She is the mother and ultimately responsible for them on her weekends, Barring any life threatening emergencies

AllCatsAreAutistic · 04/05/2024 12:22

Sounds like a perfectly good reason to me. You have a finite amount of time and energy, why would you want to squander it on someone you dislike?

piscofrisco · 04/05/2024 12:23

Yep. Dh's ex wife is vile and always has been. But still expects us to jump when she asks-and now when her charming boyfriend asks. Night swaps, extra nights to accommodate their plans etc etc. she isn't even polite about it. So now we just normally say we canst accommodate it, unless it's for a very good reason. They are entitled and unpleasant and we put ourselves out for them for so long with nothing back. At some point you have to say no and mean it.

Albatrosssss · 04/05/2024 12:26

YANBU. I have a similar very passive DH and it's infuriating at times! He cab ways his time doing favours but I'm not wasting mine.

TotalAbsenceOfImperialRaiment · 04/05/2024 12:27

If your husband wants to assist 'for harmony's sake' he can take a day off and babysit. Or does he think it's the job of all women to make his life easier?

JSMill · 04/05/2024 12:30

If it was just the sc, I would say maybe for the sake of siblings having a chance to spend time together. However she is taking the piss by asking you to look after an unrelated child when she has been so horrible. Stand your ground.

AlisonDonut · 04/05/2024 12:36

Is she also working on the bank holiday?

Trulyme · 04/05/2024 12:45

Absolutely not!

Unless you were the OW or have made it difficult for DP to see his kids, then there’s absolutely no reason as to why she should make your life difficult or be rude to you and I would not allow it.

Tbh even if she was lovely to me I wouldn’t cancel my plans to look after her kids.
Where are her family or his family?

bradpittsbathwater · 04/05/2024 12:46

No way. Say you shouldn't be left alone them with as they aren't your children. The audacity of her asking you to look after the other child too.

0sm0nthus · 04/05/2024 12:48

Just ignore her, in other words treat her with the same contempt with which she treats you!

SecondRow · 04/05/2024 12:50

Has your DH ever done her a favour involving her other child I wonder?

Mnetcurious · 04/05/2024 12:51

Absolutely not. You had plans and shouldn’t have to change them because her and her new partner can’t sort themselves out. Yanbu, say no.

Whatifthehokeycokey · 04/05/2024 12:51

He thinks I should for harmonies sake I.e. to make his life easier.

He should bloody well take the day's leave and step up, then. Helping out with your stepchildren every so often is fair enough. But a different child of the ex's with a new partner? Yeah, no, that would be a hard boundary for me.

0sm0nthus · 04/05/2024 12:57

The reason this woman is treating you like a subordinate is that you (albeit unwittingly) are behaving like a subordinate. Stop obeying her and she will eventually stop expecting you to.

FineWordsButterNoParsnips · 04/05/2024 12:58

Why does your husband not have residency?