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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say it's fine to not do favours for someone because you don't like them?

103 replies

sallyinside · 04/05/2024 09:03

Namely my husbands ex partner. He shares children with her. We also share a child.

She made our life very difficult for a long time and still does whenever the opportunity arises. I do not like her as a person, she is selfish, manipulative and generally thinks of no one but herself. There are lots I could go into but specifics aren't important really, I just don't think she's a good person... she's the kind of person who has been arrested in the past for attacking him for context.

I like to stay way way out of their relationship, for my own sanity. The abuse she used to give to him over message and the phone used to really wind me up so I've detached massively and now have absolutely nothing to do with her when I can help it.

However she does have a habit of asking for favors quite often from me if my husband is unable to do what she wants him to (having DSC an extra night or whilst she goes on holiday, collecting them from school on her days etc..) during those times it's like she forgets she's usually hideous about me/us and I'm expected to pitch in and help her. I often do it for DSCs sake and DHs and just roll my eyes at her hypocrisy (shouting how I'm not their mum so shouldn't be alone with them for example but then in the next breath asking for my help when she needs it).

As I say I have always tried to stay well out of it, ive never retaliated other than to have a moan at my husband occasionally about her.

My husband, in my opinion, has a habit of doing anything for an easy life and would prefer to get on with her so goes along with a lot for the sake of not arguing (she's refused access in the past when he hasn't danced to her tune).

The latest request is that her apparent childcare has fallen through for bank holiday and she is "desperate" for someone to have DSC AND her child with her current partner. My husband is also working so guess who's now being asked...!

I've just said no this time. I was planning a day out with my mum and mine and DHs DC and when DH asked I've just been honest and said I don't want to do her a favour. I don't like her so why would I. He thinks I should for harmonies sake I.e. to make his life easier. I think if you're not a nice person people won't want to do you favours so live with it.

Aibu to think you don't have to do anyone a favour if you don't like or get on with them. DSC I could just about justify but her other child?! A cheeky request if there ever was one!

OP posts:
Crazycrazylady · 04/05/2024 13:00

Wouldn't feel the slightest bit bad about saying no. Doesn't suit .

thepastinsidethepresent · 04/05/2024 13:07

Hahaha no. What goes around comes around.

She sounds like DH's ex who many moons ago called me all the names under the sun and then turned round and expected childcare from me.

needsomewarmsunshine · 04/05/2024 13:08

I wouldn't give excuses or explain. "I'm not doing it." End of conversation, dp, needs a kick up his easy life arse and help sort things out with her. You are not the baby sitter for her kids.

stayathomer · 04/05/2024 13:09

I’d agree you don’t have to but I personally would for the kids themselves but I get why you don’t want to and wouldn’t blame you

NeverDropYourMooncup · 04/05/2024 13:15

ThisNoisyTealLurker · 04/05/2024 10:36

She’s taking the piss! I understand though how difficult it must be with her behaviour plus the fact that there’s a kid involved. I don’t think it should be the case that you don’t like her therefore you won’t do her any favours, but that she needs standing up to when she’s being a cf.
is there something like mediation that could help or some official channel?

Who do you reckon the ex would be expecting to look after all her children so she could attend?

ManyATrueWord · 04/05/2024 13:51

I like to channel Phoebe Buffet
"I'm sorry. I can't."
"Why not?"
"I don't want to."

Miss Manners version is "I have plans" even when plans is NOT DOING YOU A FAVOUR.

MississippiAF · 04/05/2024 13:54

Absolutely fine. Ignore away.

Enjoy your day

Greywitch2 · 04/05/2024 14:03

Nope. You have plans you are looking forward to.

Why on earth would you amend them to do a favour for someone who would never do one for you?

Also, why can't her current partner have his own child (and hers)? Their childcare issues for the child they have together are absolutely nothing to do with you.

wompwomp · 04/05/2024 14:15

Of course not. She has plans that have been scuppered. You also have plans.
Why would you cancel your plans just so she can indulge hers?

Angelsrose · 04/05/2024 14:58

Op you sound like a straightforward person. You have plans and can't help. If your DH makes a fuss, let him change his plans to accommodate his ex's demands.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/05/2024 15:01

She can hire a babysitter

Silvers11 · 04/05/2024 15:06

In this scenario, whether you like the ex or not @sallyinside ( and I wouldn't like her either, because she sounds like a CF) is irrelevant.

You can't do it because you have plans to do something with your Mum and your own children. End of.

But out of curiosity, why is the ex so desperate for childcare? Is she working on a bank holiday, or is it something else?

DelphiniumBlue · 04/05/2024 15:10

"What, after the way you spoke to me? I'm amazed you've got the cheek to ask."
I think that covers it.

Ellie56 · 04/05/2024 16:44

DelphiniumBlue · 04/05/2024 15:10

"What, after the way you spoke to me? I'm amazed you've got the cheek to ask."
I think that covers it.

Quite.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/05/2024 18:28

The problem with having "a habit of doing anything for an easy life" is that it does not lead to an easy life.

You were right to say no. And you will be right to say no to every favour she asks of you for the next - oh, twenty years?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 04/05/2024 18:32

YANBU. She's been an arse and caused trouble for your family so of course you don't have to help her out.

thepastinsidethepresent · 04/05/2024 21:50

Lovinglife57 · 04/05/2024 10:06

I wouldn’t call it favours you know what you signed up for and when children are involved it’s about them not you …you sure your not trying to just be awkward

There's always one. 🙄

Codlingmoths · 04/05/2024 23:13

WhatDaPoint · 04/05/2024 10:58

If it was something I could change I would have them I think. It's a bit shit but what matters is the kids and their relationship with their Dad. The ex is a loose canon and sounds horrible but you can't change that. She is always going to have the 'power' and I think it's easier to accept that and do what you can for the kids. Basically I would completely ignore the fact she is awful and try and stop feeling like I was battling her. (I know that's easier said than done)

I understand that looks like you would be being a complete doormat but I still think it's the best thing for the kids. I'd even welcome having 'her' kid although I'd look at it as having your husbands kids sibling as that sounds much better. I'd also make sure they all had a great day although that might backfire as they might want to keep having you mind them.

Obviously if you can't easily change plans then I wouldn't worry about it.

So you’d cancel your outing? What wouldn’t you cancel? A long planned dinner date with the core friend group you hardly see? A Mother’s Day lunch booked at an amazing place? A weekend away for the family? Where’s the line where you would say oh actually my children and I do matter and we aren’t going to cancel our fun plans because bitchy ex who hates me feels like having fun plans of her own therefore we will just lose the deposit and skip the thing we booked two months ago. We don’t get to make plans, because we don’t matter. Where would you draw the line?

QualityDog · 05/05/2024 07:05

I think it's easier to accept that and do what you can for the kids

I don't. What about your own kids and your mum? Should the op never plan a day out in case her stepchild and her stepchild's sibling need to be looked after?

Or is there a ranking system? What comes where?

Is the op only to think of the other children and consider them and their feelings and ignore her own child's feelings?

Lovinglife57 · 05/05/2024 07:07

thepastinsidethepresent · 04/05/2024 21:50

There's always one. 🙄

Try reading the post I put after that 🙄

BananaLambo · 05/05/2024 07:17

No, you already have plans. Why do they think you’d be sitting around on a bank holiday waiting to provide childcare?

RoastLambs · 05/05/2024 07:25

Try reading the post I put after that 🙄

The irony of you telling people to read the post before jumping on with their non nailed boots!

Lovinglife57 · 05/05/2024 07:31

RoastLambs · 05/05/2024 07:25

Try reading the post I put after that 🙄

The irony of you telling people to read the post before jumping on with their non nailed boots!

🥱🙄

hottchocolatte · 05/05/2024 07:31

YANBU

Even if you didn't have plans I'd understand you saying no but you have plans so it's simple?

Tagyoureit · 05/05/2024 07:33

I'm surprised that she's moved on with another man to the extent of having another child but is still such a twat towards you and your DH! There must be a lot of bitterness in that house!!

You are well within your rights to say no even if you didn't have plans so she can fuck right off!