Mother in law thinks I’m ugly

[DazedNotConfused1]

My mother in law has never outright said I am ugly, but she has never paid me any compliment on my appearance either. Conversely, she will constantly say how handsome her son (my DH) is and how beautiful her daughter is. I’m starting to believe she thinks I am not attractive at all and not good enough for her son.

Whenever I see MIL, I make sure to give her a compliment eg. “you look nice”, “I like your hair!”, “lovely bag” etc you get the gist as I genuinely do feel she looks good, and if she puts herself down I will say “no you always look good!” So she has plenty of opportunity to say something nice about me in return but NEVER has. I don’t want it to bother me but it does. She has complimented my DD saying how pretty they are, but whenever someone says my DS looks like me she looks uncomfortable and doesn’t comment. People say my DD looks like her father.

Is this just normal MIL behaviour? Has your MIL ever said anything nice about your appearance?

And yes before anyone says I know there are more important things than looks, but personally I would like to be thought of positively and not as someone who is bringing down their family’s attractiveness!

Am I being unreasonable in thinking my MIL must think I’m ugly?

i really doubt the reality is the mil is havering on as much as you think and the op is loosely indicating, you took it a step further.

But that is mean she picks photos without you. Are looks this important to her, is she still in high school? One would think with age comes maturity but not here.

I don't think my MIL has every paid me a compliment on my looks in the past 23 years that DH and I have been together and it's never crossed my mind to be a 'thing'.

We get on fine. She doesn't know that I know that she told DH that he 'could do better' before she'd even met me. 😂

Op is not married to her sister in law.

My MIL has never complimented me and I’ve never given it a second thought. But, when DS was small she never shut up about how he’s the double of DH and would quickly shut down any comments about him looking like my side. Until the day I showed her a screenshot of a photo my DB had sent me. MIL said she’d never seen that pic of DS and I gleefully informed her it was a pic of my DB as a 3 year old, to make matters worse DB and I only share one parent so DS definitely takes after my DF 😆

Well, are you ugly? Maybe she does think you’re no oil painting. It doesn’t really matter.

I can neither give nor receive compliments gracefully, although I've spent a lifetime trying to improve. (DSis is the opposite, loves giving compliments to all and sundry about looks and clothes, which are not always as well received as they are well intentioned.) I'd feel really weird complimenting DIL1's looks and she'd probably feel weird if I did! I do, however, give kind of indirect compliments because obviously my DGC are the most beautiful DGC of all time (sorry, y'all, it's just a fact!) and DGC2 does undeniably take after her mother. I also make it clear indirectly how much I appreciate DS1's choice of life partner for more reasons than whether she enhances a family photo, which to be fair she does, but that's not the important thing.

I don't remember exactly but think I did manage to compliment DIL2 at their wedding, and indeed she looked stunning. More likely it was about the outfit than her person, though. But with brides it's "allowed" anyway, if not mandatory! At the same event DS2's GF took me aside to say DS2's dad kept giving her compliments and didn't seem able to stop, which she found a little disturbing. (She didn't blame me for his behaviour or expect me to step in, to be clear; rather was asking for help understanding it.) I could only say that he clearly does like her but is not good at boundaries so doesn't know when to stop saying so. XH's ways are not of this planet at the best of times.

p.s. OP's MIL's photo thing is definitely not nice, but it's probably not so much about looks as the fact that she sees a DIL as a sort of accessory because not directly related to her. Bit sad really. Her loss though.

I think manners, being nice, and checking friends are ok, colleagues aren't struggling and being more aware of others situations are getting more important in society than peoples looks. MeToo and Its ok not be ok are perfect examples of standing up, supporting and being considerate of others.

So I hope you'll also consider teaching your children to also complement their friends kindness, perseverance and strength rather than just their looks. No-one likes shallow people.

All mums tell their kids they’re gorgeous. But I would have found it a bit weird if my MIL had told me I was. Even though I am of course stunningly beautiful 😂 I think you maybe need to think about why you’re so insecure OP.

I'd never dream of mentioning someone else's appearance (aside from telling my DP and DD that they're beautiful)

It's not my place, and feels like a very weird thing to do, even if it's saying something nice!

You sound as though you are 14.

My former mother in laws first words when we met, addressed to her son (who was widowed young) was that I was not as slim as his deceased wife. Lovely.

TBF, she was literally skeletal.

My notDIL is beautiful I've never felt the need to tell her she's great a lovely person brilliant mum and makes my son happy she could have a face like an elephants arse I wouldn't care. My grandkids and own children are if course the best looking best personality etc as they are mine....if you see what I mean, but I don't make a habit of telling them all the time that they are physically pretty (they are) I tell them I'm proud, they have done well, are kind, love your outfit etc. Looks are not important they fade and change inner beauty lasts

My mother doesn’t compliment my DH directly, but after their first meeting when I asked what she thought of him she said “he seems nice and is very handsome”. Which I think is a pretty normal thing? When I asked DH what his mother said about me after our first meeting he said you were very nice but didn’t mention my appearance and never has to DH. I don’t know, but I feel like I when I meet my children’s partners for the first time I would naturally say something about their looks to my child about them. My ex’s mum used to say I looked like a doll and was perfect (I wouldn’t go that far btw).

This isn’t something that plays a massive part in my life btw and it doesn’t affect my relationship with my MIL, I was just interested to see others opinions. Perhaps it is she just feels more comfortable complimenting her own blood relations. Honestly, I’m glad I’m not in the pictures as I hate photos of myself but someone else excluding you from this is a bit rude. My own compliments aren’t false either, MIL takes a lot of time on her appearance and I genuinely do think she looks glamorous so I tell her so.

That's quite poor taste @Sweden99.

It would be if any of us knew her .. but as we don’t I don’t I thought it was quite witty.

Probably surprisingly to many, although I can easily understand how the poster felt insulted, there was something faintly touching about MIL’s loyalty to the deceased spouse - because I suspect that’s what lay behind the comment rather than pure nastiness.

My MIL once insisted I was pregnant because of how my belly looked in some shorts I was wearing, and we still have a good relationship and I don’t think she thinks I’m fat or ugly (or maybe she does and I’ve just not given it any brain space)

OP this feels like a problem with your self esteem and not your MIL.

My mother in law has not once commented on my looks, nor would I expect her to. I don't give a second thought to whether she thinks I'm attractive because I'm not in a relationship with her. I don't generally give much thought to whether anyone other than my DP thinks about my looks.

You say it dies not play patent but you are clearly thinking a lot of it. Maybe toy ate too focused on looks yourself and it's the first abs main thing you see any people.
I personally find commenting on looks weird. It's different to say "I love your top" but you seen to be expecting actual comments on your beauty, and it's not something most people do. I would find it very intrusive if someone commented on my body/face in the way you seem to hint you'd want it to be mentioned and if someone expected that from me, attention seeking unless they were 5 yo or below.

She’s sounds like she’s about 14. Why is she commenting on everyone’s attractiveness all the time? Not good form.

I think you are getting a hard time here in the comments which I don't think is fair. Some of us do pick up on things like this when we have low self esteem or are more empathetic towards others (and that doesn't make you a bad person or silly). Its also ok to expect some effort from your MIL - but some of them are not supportive of daughter in laws. It sounds like she has a stick up her behind from your description. I'd stop complimenting her if she never gives you one, as that is a normal relationship interaction among family and extended family. Treat her as she treats you and you might notice she changes.

It made me laugh. It’s not like anyone involved is listening, it’s just a funny aside.

The comment about your mum’s very first words about him make me wonder if perhaps there is quite a focus on looks in your family. I guess she didn’t know much else about him …

I don’t see anything weird about your mil complimenting you when you’ve clearly made an effort to get tidied up etc though - and I’m surprised how many people on here think that would be odd.

Ultimately it isn’t so important if she’s generally ok with you.

At least she is not saying anything negative. Mine made comments to my husband about how much weight I gained while taking steroids for a severe health issue that nearly killed me. Of course I was aware of the weight gain and will work to get it off. Was slim and athletic before. Was not going on a diet while taking steroids as there is a risk of stomach burns.