Mother in law thinks I’m ugly

[DazedNotConfused1]

My mother in law has never outright said I am ugly, but she has never paid me any compliment on my appearance either. Conversely, she will constantly say how handsome her son (my DH) is and how beautiful her daughter is. I’m starting to believe she thinks I am not attractive at all and not good enough for her son.

Whenever I see MIL, I make sure to give her a compliment eg. “you look nice”, “I like your hair!”, “lovely bag” etc you get the gist as I genuinely do feel she looks good, and if she puts herself down I will say “no you always look good!” So she has plenty of opportunity to say something nice about me in return but NEVER has. I don’t want it to bother me but it does. She has complimented my DD saying how pretty they are, but whenever someone says my DS looks like me she looks uncomfortable and doesn’t comment. People say my DD looks like her father.

Is this just normal MIL behaviour? Has your MIL ever said anything nice about your appearance?

And yes before anyone says I know there are more important things than looks, but personally I would like to be thought of positively and not as someone who is bringing down their family’s attractiveness!

Am I being unreasonable in thinking my MIL must think I’m ugly?

I've been thinking about whether or not I ever complimented my x mil and I never did, I don't think. She was a good looking woman but very Katie price in her presentnation. I used to go for a natural look so we baffled eatch other!

We both would have done something different with our grooming if we had undergone a freaky Friday switchers.

I remember a woman I used to work with decades ago, she had rosacea in her late 20s, a huuuugee nose, but respect, she never ran herself down like all the more attractive women around her! She was from a very wealthy backgroundand and used to talk about the country club, Daddy, the gold card.

Her hair was too yellow a tone of blonde but she used to say like a Goddess "I have no business looking this good". I remember feeling confused. Her confusion was, how can I be smoking, drinking and dodging the gym and still look like this I was in awe of her confidence. Men chased around after her because her narrative was "I have no business looking this good"
Nobody complimented her
Eye opening.

My MIL never comments on my physical appearance, but she has complimented me for some of my traits (eg. You were so brave/you work hard) which I prefer more to be honest.

Golly where is this line of questioning going! 🤣

If you like some one and consider them your family, you don't think that she is unattractive.
Beauty is in the eye of beholder, the more we like someone, lesser we think of them ugly or unattractive.

Op's mil calls everyone beautiful in front of her but never ever even said you look nice, do op has noticed.

I think mil doesn't like her. Even if op was not that attractive, why would mil talks how beautiful her daughter is in front of op? That's not normal.

My MIL told my husband on our wedding day 'you can always come home son' big deal made me laugh still does after 50 years! Some mothers don't like it when you steal their boys that's life

It’s her kids, give over.

That’s lovely actually

Sounds like she is fixated on her handsome son and possibly it has nothing to do with you personally at all.

I don't understand some replies. Doesn't matter what you expect from your mil. OP's mil talk of other people's good looks in front of her barring hers, so it's a bit different.

Op stop giving her compliments and next time she tells you how beautiful Sil is, tell her looks are not every thing. It's a bit tacky to call your adult children beautiful in front of others.

Your example is not relevant either, because you’ve failed to understand OP’s point.

They are not kids, they are grown ups. It's a bit crude talking of how beautiful of your adult children are in front of others.

To their spouses? Seriously?

It was in response to someone elses point, but actually it is relevant. You've failed to understand my point. Which is that is doesn't matter what a third party to your relationship thinks of your looks.

My mum calls me "gorgeous girl" all the time. And my DD. But she doesn't refer to my DHs looks at all. My MIL calls her son's handsome and her grandchildren beautiful. She doesn't refer to her DILs looks.

And I think mainly it's because you can't win in those situations. It will either come across as inappropriate, or fake, or over the top. As a general rule, you don't comment on people's looks. You can call your own children gorgeous because you made them and because whatever they look like, every parent thinks their child is beautiful. But your SIL/DILs you don't comment on.

I think, the what she thinks of your looks issue aside, your main issue is that you don’t fully trust her. You get the sense that she doesn’t fully appreciate you for everything that you are and you sense she’s lied to you e.g. about not being able to find photos of you.

I think you need to accept that you won’t be able to change her. Be more conscious of yourself. - if you find yourself complimenting her as a means to try to get compliments back. I’d maybe also try and see her a bit less, if that’s possible without creating any drama. She doesn’t sound good for your mental health and you don’t need that.

OP you need to reframe this - of course she thinks her own children are handsome and beautiful and it’s often normal for GMs to call their DGC beautiful because they are blood relatives and like it or not, there is a kinsmanship there - they are an extension of her in a way, she cherishes them more than anyone else and that’s fine.
You are over thinking it

My ex mother in law hated me, she hates everyone to be fair so it wasn’t personal. I took her precious son away is what she thought. She was vile and say the most horrid things, yet bizarrely she would comment on my appearance and say I was pretty and that her other son would like a gf that looked like me 😳 She was a lunatic of the highest order.

I found it strange that the only positive thing she would say about me was regarding my appearance. Odd

She was probably trying to start a fight between the boys . Bonus points if you got kicked aside in the fray 🤣

Is it weird if your mil says you look good? But it's not weird for her to say how beautiful your sister in law is to you?

However normal it is for mums to adore their dc, gc etc etc I still don’t think a “ you look lovely in that new dress op” (or similar) would go astray, be weird or OTT.

Probably!! 😂🤣

I think the only time my MIL has ever commented on my appearance was on our wedding day.

TBH, I don't come from a family of "oh you look nice!" compliment givers. It would never particularly strike me as weird NOT to get compliments on my appearance.

The thing is in OP’s situation the compliments are flying…

… just not in her direction …

How have you come to the conclusion she thinks you're ugly?
Everyone thinks their own kids are beautiful. Just because she doesn't compliment you it doesn't mean she dislikes you.

It sucks.
A couple of generations ago, it seems MIL and SILs were enemies. Now it has switched, MILs and SILs are allies and the poor wife is the enemy often of the MIL and M.