What is the obsession with 2 under 2?

[2under2blah]

I see so many threads where people are worried that they're going to have a 3/4/5 year age gap between their children.

Didn't this used to be normal?

Why is 2 under 2 seen as the only way to do it?

Looks absolutely intense to me!

I had two in just under 18 months, but we started trying when eldest was 6 months (so would have been a 15 month gap I think).

It was definitely busy, but also huge fun. And 1 and 2 years was when I needed eyes in the back of my head! But I remember the early years so clearly, and took loads of pictures (which probably helps!).

The ages and stages have worked well for us.

They're 13 and 14 now and get on pretty well tbh. That's their personalities, not the age gap though.

Mine have 6 years between them. Although making sure everyone has fun on a day out can be more complicated, it’s not impossible. Active activities or holidays can be good and tbh with the majority of age gaps (apart from 9m-2 years) they’ll both want or need to do slightly different things on some types of day out anyway (theme park etc.) Both of mine get on really well. They play together much more than expected. When dd had a tantrum, ds will talk her through it. I haven’t found the gap particularly tough. The main thing is they do different extra curricular activities, but I don’t think that’s too unusual. It certainly wouldn’t make me not recommend it to other parents. We make sure they both get one to one time and that they both do a variety of things on days out. I imagine the teenage years may be more complicated, but I can still think of holidays and days out that will appeal to both.

I think it’s a tricky one as sibling gaps of all ages can work and it’s quite dependent on the actual personalities of the children. However, I’d never say the age gap was harder for me than a closer one! I imagine I’d find two very dependent young children much harder personally than one who had that little bit of independence due to age first. However, I’ve seen friends who’ve done fantastically as parents with two who are close in age - so again, really dependent on parents in that situation.

I had a 28 month gap, a 22 month gap, and then an 18 month gap - so they gradually got closer together, although this wasn't intentional. When my youngest was born I had a 5 year old, a 3 year old and a 1 year old. Bloody hard work and no family support but I don't regret a thing. My 5 year old was in full time school but I was home 24/7 with a newborn, a toddler, and a pre-schooler. My eldest being at school made it harder as we had to be out of the door in time every morning and, minus a few last minute nappy explosions, we managed it! I'll be honest though, looking back, I don't know how I did it.

Forgot to add, 6 years between myself and my younger brother, who I adored and mothered from day one. So I don't think there's a perfect age gap at all, there are pros and cons to all

My first 2 were 22 months between them . They were absolutely fine. Oldest literally grew up overnight. Had my third 4 years later. He just fitted in . It works regardless of age difference.

I had two under two minutes. 😁

This Vogue article claims that the average age gap between siblings is between 3 and 4 years. I can't find a clearer definition for it, it may well include half siblings which can have very big gaps with a second marriage etc. But it implies to me that the tiny gap trend might be a MN thing that isn't replicated in the real world.

I'm in London and most families here leave it a bit later due to high nursery costs (it's a bit of a brag to have 2 under 2 as it shows you're not one of those who had to leave a gap because you couldn't afford double nursery costs.)

My two are 3 y, 6 m, 20 days apart. At times, that was way to far apart. At times, that was way to close together. At times, it was just right. We definitely had two different sets of friends visiting.

While they are in the 30s now, I loved the space apart that they had.

My kids are 31, 27 and ( nearly) 24 now. I didn’t ‘plan’ my family, it’s how it worked out. It has never been a problem , though.
So my eldest was 4 and a half when his sister was born, and she was 3 and a half when her younger brother was born. It worked quite nicely, really. No major problems with working… though I did go from working for the NHS to being a Teaching Assistant by the time the I needed to go back to work with the youngest!.

Can’t imagine having 2 under 2!!!

My gap of 3 years was due to difficulties in conceiving. But it doesn’t seem uncommon. My kids have friends who have siblings with similar gaps. Interesting about the lack of jealously and better relationships and my 2 don’t get on and they’re teens now.

I assumed the smaller age gap in the last was down to a lack of contraception and the fact that breastfeeding was bigger and provided ‘natural’ contraception but wasn’t actually as reliable as people though so they got pregnant fairly quickly. Also the mother stayed home more so childcare costs wasn’t an issue as it is today.

Also there seems to be more siblings with different fathers these days. So no longer babies within marriage being the norm and therefore getting pregnant within different relationships is more likely. My kids are 3 years but they also have a half sibling since my marriage broke down and he began another relationship fairly quickly and they had a very unplanned pregnancy early on. They never married and did since split.

I had 2 under 2. It wasn't planned but I am so glad it happened that way. We've never had to struggle with days out catering for two very different age groups, they both started school relatively close together so creche bills didn't drag on enedlessley. They both have very similar intrests now. And both currently at a more independent stage (ages 9 &11 now). Don't get me wrong the early days were tough at times, but the key was a good routine for both. I didn't feel anymore overwhelmed with having my 2nd as I did with my 1st- he just slotted into our routine. And now they are older and more independent the younger years were definitely worth it.

I would guess a lot of these age gaps aren’t planned. We managed 3.5 years in the end with multiple miscarriages inbetween. I’d have been happy with any age gap to be fair, but 3.5 years has ended up being lovely for us.

@fraimbroi

But it implies to me that the tiny gap trend might be a MN thing that isn't replicated in the real world.

It's actually quite common and not everyone is on Mumsnet.

I had two under 2 (not intentionally!) and at the time it was a bit of a logistical nightmare but they have always had similar interests and now as young adults they’re good friends and hang out together. It’s great to see.
Once the nappy/toddler stage was over it was much easier. The double buggy was a pain though.

I think it’s this idea that you are getting your baby making days out of the way all at once as opposed to having to stop and start.

I always imagined having my children close together but in reality it didn’t work for me as my first was a surprise and I chose to focus on career, mental health (after PND) after:

I love the idea of siblings growing up together but hate the idea of 2 under 2!

I think the one and done crew is more popular than ever and more acceptable in the West - I also think it’s one and done - followed by a change of mind a few years later that might be increasing the age gap.

We had 2 under 2 partly because the timing worked with my husbands job (military) and also I’ll admit perhaps poor future planning. The number of people (like a lot of this thread) that see fit to judge my choices when I would never dream of judging someone for a bigger age gap than me! I’m glad I did it this way, even though it is hard with an 18m gap. They share a group of friends, they’re into the same things and can play together well, they get on brilliantly. I get some 1:1 time with the youngest now the eldest is at pre school. If I could go back would I choose a slightly bigger age gap? Maybe, just a couple of months, they’d still be close but I had no real reason to do it as quickly as I did!

Do you have a statistic to back that up? Genuinely curious.

Yes I agree with this. I had always heard jealousy was stronger between close siblings because the elder one had their babyhood “ stolen “ when developmentally they were still needing to be the baby of the family ( mum’s knee etc) and hadn’t developed enough independence to become the older sibling. Having heard this, I have actually observed some quite “ territorial “ behaviour in siblings in this family position - being aggressive to newcomers joining school class etc, tendency to grab toys off baby etc.

At a more practical level, however, I guess they are developmentally more similar so will care about ( and therefore argue about) the same toys/ opportunities etc. Also routines and nap times tend to be similar which leaves less opportunities for parents to spend quality one to one with each child.

Agree three years seem close enough yet far enough…

Thank you for saying this! It has become some kind of folk myth that siblings' age gap shouldn't be more than 18-24 months which is gruesome on the mom's body (and parents' mental health).

I know some people want to be done with the baby/toddler times quick, so it's a tactic to shorten the overall period spent in the trenches. Personally I couldn't do it and it's possible our 5yo will remain an only child. But I'd rather keep my sanity and marriage intact instead of chasing some "ideal" age gap. Which often leads to neverending bickering anyway between two littlies.

But, I mean this, each to their own!

It's daft. Think years later when they're sitting national exams. I have a three year gap between older two and that spaces it out a bit. But I have just under two years between youngest two so they'll be sitting exams at the same time 🙈

3 and 3 months- wanted smaller, didn’t fall preggers. One 4 nearly 5 a school other at home and 18 months

Yes re the body thing, the Kennel club won’t accept registrations for litters born within 12 months of the last litter as it isn’t seen fit for dogs to rush through pregnancies.

@fraimbroi

As I said a couple of days ago there are lots of siblings in both my kids years.

This is dependant on personality. I have a two year and an almost five year age gap, the two with the biggest gap get on best. Jealousy comes from competition for resources which is much greater when there's a small gap.

We have a 4.5 year gap and have always made sure we do activities on holiday that suit everyone and so far our teen is more than happy to continue coming on holiday. Our two are actually really close despite the large ish age gap. I don’t feel they’ve grown up separately because of the age gap but maybe that will come in the next few years once our eldest turns 17/18.
I couldn’t have coped with a smaller age gap both mentally or financially. Childcare for both would have meant working for negative £.
I'm also an older mum as I had my youngest at 40!