Do you return presents from family if it’s not wanted/ wrong/ not right?

[ArchesOfsunflowers]

Personally for the lower value gifts we exchange between us I tend to just say ‘thank you’ and pass the item on or charity shop it if it’s not wanted. For example my sister getting a book I’ve read, mum getting a simple perfume I’m not keen on or similar. With higher value I’d exchange, but we don’t really spend much. I do the same for kids presents etc, teach to say ‘thank you’ and smile, that the thought was there. (It generally is, but sometimes it’s just not quite right).

My family on the other hand always make a big point of returning (eg if far away it can be some time after we see each other and the item is handed over), and hint at replacement. They see it as they haven’t had a gift yet. Sometimes it’s awkward if you’ve bought way ahead, or on sale.

This thread is prompted by my sister returning a running top. The brand she wanted, the size she said, but it’s too small. It’s now out of stock on the website and twice the price elsewhere. (I thought she was a bigger clothes size but she insisted she’s a 10… I did check). My dad another time returned a belt, for a 34 waist (he said he was! I asked) but it’s small. It fits DH 33 waist fine… Beautiful leather, from a market far away. Very awkward to provide a replacement in a bigger size now. My mum returned a book to me even, half read as it wasn’t her thing. Spine creased, not exchangeable. My other sister once returned a candle of a brand she’d asked for as she didn’t like the scent, packaging now open.

I’m interested whether most people return unsuitable gifts. Maybe I’m skewed because after years of teaching I’ve smiled and thanked for a lot of gifts that aren’t me, whilst really appreciating the thought behind it and the effort? Has it conditioned me?

aibu- I always return a gift to the sender to replace if there’s an issue like sizing, not wanted

yanbu- I just smile and say thank you then re-gift/ re-home or charity shop it

I think if you’ve bought a top and she can’t fit in it then why on earth would she keep it? What on earth is she going to with it?

In the shop I worked in the biggest arguers were people who’d received a gift and wanted to return it. I was all indignant about it (we had some extreme people) and dh said maybe they were so looking forward to it and couldn’t afford it themselves. If I don’t like a gift I wouldn’t tell someone, they chose it for you. And actually a lot of gifts I thought I’d hate I ended up loving!!!!

Isn't this the point of gift receipts?

If I had a gift that was unsuitable from someone I was close to, I would say "thanks but it's not suitable because ... would you mind if I changed it?". And because (presumably) the gift giver wants to get me something I actually want, they will be happy to do this.

With people I don't know that well, or those that think I should like the gift regardless of how awful it is , I nod and smile.

I was always brought up to accept a gift, whether you liked it or not. Growing up, we never ever returned gifts, it just wasn’t a thing and dare I say it, would be considered rude). once the gift was handed over, it was yours, and the transaction would be complete, so to speak.

However, I’ve seen a real sea change in gift etiquette, maybe we did things differently. Now if you don’t like it, you can return it to the gift giver fur exchange,. If things don’t fit, it’s almost the givers responsibility to change it, not the recipient. I get that people don’t want things going to waste , but the ‘romance’ gas gone. People aren’t grateful for their gifts anymore.

I'm with you on this totally and your family sound high maintenance. To avoid in future, just get a gift receipt and pop it in with the present, and say Hope you like it but if it's the wrong size, the receipts in the bag. You are crazy to have put up with this for so long though. Why weren't you replying to your relatives: I can't return this eg opened candle!

Returning a gift to the seller aka the person that gave it to you? It’s a present - not an Amazon order! How ridiculously rude. You thank them and use the gift receipt to exchange age it for something that suits you like anybody with half a grain of manners

The problem is she expects the same top. She can’t get it from the website it was bought on. So it’s to back to me.
Tbh I resent spending twice as much to replace something that was already a bit over budget but I found on sale. Especially as she’s claiming all her stuff is size 10 from there, she has a similar one, but this one is clearly multiple sizes too small. She’ll probably need a 14-16 at my guess and I frankly can’t be arsed sourcing a 12.
Personally I’d just sell it with tags on Facebook or Vinted and get what I wanted in the same circumstances

I’ve over the years said no a few times (like for the candle). But tbh even then… why do I want a bloody Yankee candle. Tell me the scent of you only like some!

If it’s clothing I’d probably presume that it can be exchanged for a different size- but it would need to be done quickly and I’d probably try and do it myself without bothering the gift giver.
Books and candles- no I would not return, especially not half used! That’s a bit weird and rude.

Its really bizarre behaviour. Not just giving it back to you but the expectation of a replacement as they "haven't had a gift yet". So rude.

If they're insisting they're x size but then try and push the headache of it being too small back onto you to sort, why can't you just say "sorry, I bought a size 10 like you asked, let me know if you want the receipt and you can exchange"

What bugs me is I certainly had this growing up to the point where I dreaded Xmas day. Smiling as mum had wrapped up one box of a bogof chocolate deal… awful awful PJs as a teen. Expected to be grateful
Yet now they do it to me

Mine are all in the affluent bracket.
It’s probably the reverse, they like the brands and luxury… my buying power is lower than their buying power. So gifts aren’t up to scratch, eg I get a top in the sale so it’s not exchange for another size

I agree with you, I think it’s rude to give a gift back just because you don’t like it. Clothing is a bit different as it’s easily exchanged and not always easy to get the right size. If I buy clothes as gifts I’ll wrap the gift receipt in with it so they have the option to exchange but it’s rude to just give you a to back and expect you to sort it out.

Tbh I should have just ordered a size 14 / 16 and ignored her. It wasn’t a hard to judge item. She’s as likely to fit in a 10 as I am…

Unless you know 100% that a clothing item will fit - never buy clothes!
If someone in my family ask for a particular clothes item I would either shop with them and pay for it or get them a gift voucher for the relevant store and they can get it themselves.
Anything else gift wise - if someone accidentally gets the wrong thing (ie Minecraft on Playstation when it should have been Nintendo) then I think it's fine to swap it.
Or if both Grannies buy the same Barbie I think it's ok to swap but I would encourage to swap for something else Barbie so the 2 gifts go together.
If it isn't to a persons taste - well they can do whatever they want with it - but my family mostly does wish lists so we don't get that problem.

This is how I was raised too. Point in case being that for my birthday last week I received £50 in vouchers for a clothing chain that I've already gently told MiL I haven't shopped in since my teenage years. I'd never hand it back to her and tell her to get me vouchers somewhere else.

If I receive a gift and it isn't to my taste/ of use to me, I take the view that the gift has fulfilled it's purpose (in being gifted!) and I donate it elsewhere so that someone else who would like it can benefit from it. I'd find handing it back to the recipient unimaginably rude, but maybe that's just me!

Your sister asked you for a top that was too small, then returned it to you when it didn't fit? I'd have told her she'd have to sell it on FB marketplace or wherever, ot exchange for store credit. Not your fault!

Stop playing the game. Buy them gift vouchers for shops that sell what they have asked for.

It's really strange behaviour. Can you ask for a stop to gift exchanging altogether?

I think it's fine to return or exchange gifts you've received, at a shop, yourself. This is why gift receipts exist. If someone bought me a top that didn't fit or a candle I didn't like, I'd just quietly exchange it, and if I couldn't get the exact same one I'd just get something else or ask the store to put it on a gift card or something. If it wasn't something returnable at all, I'd just suck it up and give it the charity shop or offer it to a mate or put it on Vinted or whatever. If it's not returnable, it's not returnable. That's the way the cookie crumbles.

I don't think it's fine to hand the gift back to the person who gave it to you and expect them to provide something else. Handing you back a top or a candle and asking you to replace it for them is terrible behaviour, IMO.

Ungrateful and rude.

Spend less next time.

This is why we ask what everyone wants for Christmas and birthdays. I never buy clothes or perfume as presents anyway as personal taste/fit is so important.

Your family sounds unbelievably rude!
I absolutely would not hand half used gifts back at all!
My relative once bought me a bath bomb because they forgot I don't have a bath....I gave that back to them as they do have a bath and we had a good laugh about it but I didn't expect a replacement gift.

If its clothing that isnt the right size or fit then its sensible to see if it can exchanged or returned.

Or if its a more expensive item that isnt right then I would ask for an exchange or return.

I only accept/recieve gifts from people who I have a comfortable relationship with so its not an issue.

Cheaper items can be regifted.