Do you return presents from family if it’s not wanted/ wrong/ not right?

[ArchesOfsunflowers]

Personally for the lower value gifts we exchange between us I tend to just say ‘thank you’ and pass the item on or charity shop it if it’s not wanted. For example my sister getting a book I’ve read, mum getting a simple perfume I’m not keen on or similar. With higher value I’d exchange, but we don’t really spend much. I do the same for kids presents etc, teach to say ‘thank you’ and smile, that the thought was there. (It generally is, but sometimes it’s just not quite right).

My family on the other hand always make a big point of returning (eg if far away it can be some time after we see each other and the item is handed over), and hint at replacement. They see it as they haven’t had a gift yet. Sometimes it’s awkward if you’ve bought way ahead, or on sale.

This thread is prompted by my sister returning a running top. The brand she wanted, the size she said, but it’s too small. It’s now out of stock on the website and twice the price elsewhere. (I thought she was a bigger clothes size but she insisted she’s a 10… I did check). My dad another time returned a belt, for a 34 waist (he said he was! I asked) but it’s small. It fits DH 33 waist fine… Beautiful leather, from a market far away. Very awkward to provide a replacement in a bigger size now. My mum returned a book to me even, half read as it wasn’t her thing. Spine creased, not exchangeable. My other sister once returned a candle of a brand she’d asked for as she didn’t like the scent, packaging now open.

I’m interested whether most people return unsuitable gifts. Maybe I’m skewed because after years of teaching I’ve smiled and thanked for a lot of gifts that aren’t me, whilst really appreciating the thought behind it and the effort? Has it conditioned me?

aibu- I always return a gift to the sender to replace if there’s an issue like sizing, not wanted

yanbu- I just smile and say thank you then re-gift/ re-home or charity shop it

You got the port back and i bet they do drink Port..hope you drunk it ! Or just regift it... Just tells you all you need to know if you're willing to listen.... You will not be able to do this right .. they are either just being outright nasty and bullying or don't care at all about you

It's a hard message they are giving you and I can understand why it's hard to accept it...

Maybe have a look at the stately homes thread and see if you recognise other situations..

I would just stop .... Send a card if you want to do some recognition but if asked say something like not doing gifts for adults anymore ..or I can never get things right or its a waste of money/bad for the environment.... Step out of the no-win game...if you don't play you can't get hurt .. focus your time effort and money on those that appreciate it and yourself...

That can be difficult after all your years of training to be the kicking post...

Just hold onto the fact it is them that are very,very rude, mean and nasty ... And be very,very glad you are not them...

I’ll be honest- it’s certainly part of a bigger picture.
yes I drunk it!

We arent doing gifts this year. Last few years has taken abit of the sparkle away for various reasons. I wont go into it but a gift cant be requested in my opinion. Effort should always be made to gift something the recipient would like however. Some people gift things that have absolutely no use/purpose and that drives me mad (not saying that's in the particular case)

So to avoid awkwardness and resentment, Iv said no presents this year.

I can see gift vouchers in their futures me like. Stand up for yourself and get the buggers told OP. Bizarre behaviour.

Gift giving is a love language which is communicated via the act of giving and thanking for a gift. Giving a gift back is hugely offensive and not at all typical.

If gift giving isn’t your family’s love language, don’t bother. Do something else they appreciate instead like spending time together or doing favours.

I wouldn't buy them any more presents.
I'd be done with it.

They sounds soooo nitpicking.

If I get a gift that's not quite me, I say thank you, and then perhaps give it to charity or re-gift it, if it's suitable.

I certainly don't chuck it back at the giver saying "I want something else!"

It's terribly bad manners, and just isn't the done thing!

I would never return a gift to the giver. If they included a gift reciept and it was the wrong size or something then I'd return it myself, and probably not say anything. I wouldn't ask for the reciept.

I always put the reciept in the parcel if I buy clothing, which I only do for small kids really. I wouldn't want anyone to feel awkward about needing to ask for a reciept.

I'd just buy vouchers or flowers (because no one can return a bunch of flowers, surely?!) from now on OP, if anything. I'd be leaning towards nothing tbh.

How frustrating, in general I don’t get giving unwanted gifts back to the person who bought them, just regift/charity shop/swap etc. With the top if it doesn’t fit and she can’t exchange herself I’d be honest with the gifter and ask if they can exchange, if they can’t as no stock I’d get a refund and then give the recipient the money to the value of the refund, let her source the top herself.

Stop buying them gifts, save the money and buy yourself a present you really want!

Definitely time to just do gift cards!

I have never even thought about handing it back to the giver and expecting them to exchange it. I would just start buying them gift cards, OP. Then they can be as fussy as they like.

In your sister’s case, agree with the poster who suggests taking it back for the refund and giving the money to your sister so she can source her own. Tell her that you got it on sale so it’s not possible to get her the same top in a different size now and say it’s such a shame they seem to have changed their sizing so much for this one top.

This is why I live and die by an Amazon wish list, you don’t know exactly what people are buying but you know it’s something you want 🙈

DM is fab at asking what me, DH, DS and DD want/asks for link to Amazon list etc and why size clothes the kids need. MiL on the other hand 🤦🏼‍♀️ she has bought books for the kids they already have because SHE bought it for them 6 months previously, toys she’s seen them play with then seems shocked they already have it and acts like it’s my fault they already have it (and have for several months prior to her buying it e.g. DS got for his birthday and she buys it for Xmas and there are a lot of months between his birthday and Xmas!) She buys clothes that are too small or too big then complains they can’t wear them immediately! This Xmas she bought DD doffernet items of clothing in 3 sizes so some won’t fit her for over a year. She bought DS the same size socks as DD, there are 5 shoes sizes between them so DD’s were too big (fine I’ll put them away for later) but DS outgrew that size 2 years ago. DH and I aren’t hard to buy for as we both have hobbies that are quite common and we both collect certain LEGO sets (which populate a lot of our wish lists). DS has a lot of LEGO sets which is why I direct people to his wish list as the ones he doesn’t have are listed there.

If the DCs don’t let on they already have it to the recipient then I regift to a friends kid and buy mine something of similar value. I wouldn’t ask the giver to return it though.

I teach student teachers. One piece of advice I give them, I've passed down from a wise mentor that I had.
It is to be gracious, smile and say thank you, no matter how much you hate the gift/ it is from the pound shop etc, a child and their family chose it for you.
It has served me well over the years!
Sounds like your relatives need that lesson in manners and gratitude.

I wouldn’t return the items you mentioned. BUT If someone did I’d just take it and deal with it. But not to full value. Mom didn’t like book, ok try this one I’ve read. Dad wrong size belt, ok found this at winners. Sister I’d give a bit of flack to. You said this size and brand. then I’d get her something off the sale rack wherever. Candle is take back and use and replace with whatever.

as for sister size I have in the past said ‘ I read the reviews, it said it ran small (no such thing), so I’m sorry if you’re swimming in this’ then you get an ‘oh it fits perfectly’ - denial isn’t just a River in Egypt and all.

my family will give back big gifts. Usually just dad who’s hard to buy for and gets a big item. But I’ve found if you show him how to use it it gets used (think kitchen appliances).

The gift receipt / gift cards are probably the best option. Like the charity idea too. But the petty person in me would be going all out on homemade gifts (and by home made I mean utterly not actually any effort on my part, but the recipients don’t need to know that).

Homemade jam comes to mind (Aldi / Lidl type own brand chunky jams, transferred into recycled jars. Splash of liquor to throw them off the scent of store bought). Computer printed label (from an online template). Enthuse how much time you spent making it, choosing the flavour, designing the label just for them. Ensure, of course, the very sticky label is personalized to each one, so they can’t regift. See also ‘home made’ soap, candles, pot pouri, pickled vegetables, etc.

Of course it’s not OK to return gifts back to you and expect another gift! How bizarre.

You say thank you for a gift, you were thought of after all. You then either exchange the gift if you can or you give away to charity.

As for the book half read returned to you, unfathomable.

I would start giving a token gift only and £10 and I’m not a person who gives money. Also put a gift recipes in with each gift so no it cannot be returned to you, and don’t buy clothes anymore.

definitely check the stately homes thread. I’m NC with my family due to toxicity.

They sound unbelievable. Who the hell hands a half-used gift back?

Time to either send an email explaining you’re going no-gift from now on, or stick to vouchers.

Personally I would never ever buy a garment etc. as a gift, not even to a good friend whose tastes I know quite well. You are never ever going to get it exactly right, and it’s a nuisance being given things that have to be regifted, returned or decluttered.

I LOL’d at the half read book…
i’m sorry you’ve been through this- my own parent has really hurtfully and rudely refused many (perfectly thoughtful) gifts previously

can you just say ‘sorry I looked and it was out of stock now’, change subject and move on.

you did a nice thing. You tried hard enough x

No I would never return a gift. I might ask for the receipt, exchange it, or give it away, or even sell it, but I would never return it. I would also be very upset if someone returned a gift to me - with the exception of gifts I love but which I am not entirely sure that they will love - in which case I give them saying that it they don't like it I would be very happy to have it back for my next birthday.

My sister can be like this, returning gifts that I'd spent ages choosing. I now just buy a gift card for a very expensive shop she likes. That way I can keep to a budget and not get involved in returning unwanted gifts.

I don’t buy clothes for anyone, and I tell others not to gift me clothes.

Other than that, no, I thank them and either use the gift or give it away.

Its rude to appear ungrateful.

Easy answer: “I’m donating to a charity on your behalf this Birthday/Christmas. Thank you for sponsoring Monty, the 3-legged Donkey - here’s a photo of him”.
Then if they ask why, tell ‘em that if they continue to look their gift horses in the mouth, they’ll continue to get on-behalf of donations instead of presents…
CF’s of the highest order!

No never.

A big thank you, that's lovely, then donate or dump.

Drilled this into the kids as well from a young age.

I think all those examples are incredibly rude to return.