Do you return presents from family if it’s not wanted/ wrong/ not right?

[ArchesOfsunflowers]

Personally for the lower value gifts we exchange between us I tend to just say ‘thank you’ and pass the item on or charity shop it if it’s not wanted. For example my sister getting a book I’ve read, mum getting a simple perfume I’m not keen on or similar. With higher value I’d exchange, but we don’t really spend much. I do the same for kids presents etc, teach to say ‘thank you’ and smile, that the thought was there. (It generally is, but sometimes it’s just not quite right).

My family on the other hand always make a big point of returning (eg if far away it can be some time after we see each other and the item is handed over), and hint at replacement. They see it as they haven’t had a gift yet. Sometimes it’s awkward if you’ve bought way ahead, or on sale.

This thread is prompted by my sister returning a running top. The brand she wanted, the size she said, but it’s too small. It’s now out of stock on the website and twice the price elsewhere. (I thought she was a bigger clothes size but she insisted she’s a 10… I did check). My dad another time returned a belt, for a 34 waist (he said he was! I asked) but it’s small. It fits DH 33 waist fine… Beautiful leather, from a market far away. Very awkward to provide a replacement in a bigger size now. My mum returned a book to me even, half read as it wasn’t her thing. Spine creased, not exchangeable. My other sister once returned a candle of a brand she’d asked for as she didn’t like the scent, packaging now open.

I’m interested whether most people return unsuitable gifts. Maybe I’m skewed because after years of teaching I’ve smiled and thanked for a lot of gifts that aren’t me, whilst really appreciating the thought behind it and the effort? Has it conditioned me?

aibu- I always return a gift to the sender to replace if there’s an issue like sizing, not wanted

yanbu- I just smile and say thank you then re-gift/ re-home or charity shop it

I said ‘what do you want’
She said this running top
which size?
this size
ummmm… are you sure?
I’ve got an older few, I’m always this size in them
do you want to check the labels…?
I know my size!

It just grated as I can see she’s a 14/16 like me but swore bling size 10 is what she always wears

I would never return a gift to the person who gave it to me, thats rude imo. I would exchange at the retailer if I could, or just regift or donate.

But thankfully my family don't really exchange clothing gifts so we don't tend to come up against issues with things like size. If we did I'd probably just get a voucher and let them sort it tbh.

I just never ask people what they want 😀I either know them well enough to get them something they'll appreciate without asking, or I don't and they get a generic gift (chocolates/wine) that I'm reasonably confident won't offend.

I don't get the idea of asking or being asked what I want. If we're not close enough to buy presents that will go down well I'd rather not exchange presents at all. I've given up presents with my brother because it was just me buying him a requested item of £X value and him buying me back something I would suggest for the same price. What's the point?!

That said, I'm always appreciative and say thanks for any presents, I'd never turn my nose up!

Include a gift receipt and it’s on them to swap it for something else. Who cares if you spent less? That’s a Them Problem as soon as they decided they didn’t want what they’d specifically asked for.

(Obviously your mother can’t return an opened candle or read book, is she insane? )

I'll just say again 'gift receipts.' Make sure they have that and make it clear any exchanges or returns are up to the receiver. I wouldn't dream of returning a gift to the giver, to make them go through the rigamarole of replacing it.

If I got a top for my sister that didn't fit, I'd send her the receipt and she'd arrange the exchange.

If I've chosen an "unsuitable" gift they'd keep quiet.

I was raised that telling someone a gift was wrong/inadequate/unwanted was extremely rude and just not done. The recipient could return the gift to the shop if possible, but under no circumstances were they to tell the giver or insinuate in any way that the gift wasn't appreciated.

No, I wouldn’t. It would feel very rude and ungrateful.

YANBU, OP. It's extremely rude to return a gift. Just say thank you, and then donate to a charity shop is the golden rule. We've all been given some shocking stuff over the years, but the intentions were good, which is all that matters. I think if someone is returning gifts then the simple answer is just to cross them off your present list in future.

It’s bloody rude of your sister.

I don’t really ask people what they want, I choose something and give the receipt, that way it’s up to them if they don’t want it but want swap it, or they can regift it or donate.

Vouchers, gift receipts, cash in future. Or take them shopping so they can choose.

Stop buying stuff.

And It's bloody rude of them to hand it back months later and expect you to deal with it, especially when it's exactly what they asked for.

I would never return a gift. We were raised to look grateful and say thank you, regardless. I'd find it incredibly rude.

I don't even mind these days if its not to my taste, and quite enjoy having a nice gift to re-gift on to someone else or donate to raffle, charity shop etc.

People no longer seem to like surprise gifts I've noticed. Xmas is now filled with family member stating exactly what they want, and I get that it's to avoid unwanted/wasted gifts... but it totally spoils the magic for me! I tend to swing the other way in defiance and refuse to buy the exact gift asked for and instead offer vouchers - they can then buy it themselves

My SIL always used to buy clothes for DD when she was little. Unfortunately, the trousers she always bought never fitted tall and skinny DD, and I used to have to ask SIL for the receipt every time so that they could be exchanged for something else. I ended up asking her to put a gift receipt in the parcel.

No. It sounds really rude. Mind you I don't actually receive gifts from my so called family so what do I know. Dad sends cash at Christmas.

There are 2 prevailing views about gift giving.

The first is that gift giving is about the giver. So as the recipient, you must always appreciate the "thought" even if it's clear that no/little thought has gone into the gift. And even if you hate the gift or it's wildly unsuitable, you must pretend to be extremely happy about it and thank the giver profusely. It's then perfectly acceptable to give it to charity shop/someone else/let it languish in a cupboard for year.

The second is that gift giving is about the recipient. So, as the giver you want to give the recipient something that they want, like and will appreciate. So, you would like the recipient to genuinely thank you for getting you something, but to let you know if it's not something that they actually want so that you can get them something they do want / they can change it. (I'd put in a caveat here, that swapping it for something they do want shouldn't be unduly difficult, as itdoes seem to be in some of OP's examples). You don't want the recipient to pretend a gratefulness that they don't feel as that's just false.

I'd argue that with your nearest and dearest, if you feel you can't do the second, then you have bigger problems than gift etiquette.

Your family are being extremely rude and very ungrateful. I would tell your sister that you did check the size with her and got the size she told you. If she doesn’t want it fine she can sell it on vinted but you won’t be providing a replacement. Same with any other gifts. But going forward, I would seriously think about how you manage gifts in future. I would want to stop gifting full stop with such ungrateful people, or you could say it will be a £20 gift voucher etc. But make it very clear if they don’t like it well you are sorry but you won’t be replacing it.

Just stop buying presents that aren't consumable...

You aren't ever going to be right..... No matter what u get/spend
So wine/chocolates/bunch flowers..

And repeat....

This. Totally pointless exercise that just causes a load of stress and angst and wastes money and resources.

Just don't bother or exchange token consumables if you have to do gifts.

lol. I’ve had consumables (port) back 😀

My sister would say her kids wanted x, y or z. Then tell me it's not available any more so I'd have to find it on ebay. She'd basically dump on me anything that they wanted that she couldn't easily get, so I had to do the searching, bidding, waiting to see if I was the winner - and if not start all over again. I soon learnt though and opted to give cash instead.

With clothing I’d provide a gift receipt so they can return it themselves. I don’t give things back to people who have gifted to us if the gifts are unsuitable in some way. Occasionally, it’s something I personally can’t deal with as in smells that are no good for my asthma. I don’t open the packaging if I know it’s that. I swap in shop if I can. Otherwise it’s regifted or given to the charity shop

Not the OPs problem. The Op double checked with her and she said in that brand she wore that size. Sister should have taken it to shop at the time and swapped it herself

Your family is flipping weird. Return a half bread book with damaged spine? Crazy

Generally in our family we always offer the gift receipt / receipt to the recipient at the time so they can do as they please . I’ve given stuff back to my sister if I am not likely to use it and I think she will but I don’t expect another gift .

I am trying to get my head round the fact that your family return presents. I have never heard the like!!

How very rude.

Just stop with the presents. Go to the Woodland Trust website and buy them some virtual gifts to improve the environment. Trees. Or Action Aid, get them a half share of a virtual goat. I would like to see them returning that!