Brother has swindled DM out of over £100k- desperate advice please

[Unicornfairysoap]

Sorry I’m posting in aibu for traffic.

this is long, you may remember such threads as brother Pretended to dying DF to be in the navy to get money, pretend to be in mi6, threatened me with a multi billion £ law suit for saying he doesn’t have a PhD (he literally doesn’t, so it’s a stupid lie)

well DF died a few years ago and it’s been just dm, she lives 2/3 hrs away from my, brother lives closer. She works part time (20hrs a week) and gets my dads old pension and hers, which I’ve totalled as around £3.5k per month (no mortgage just bills). She’s been frequently crying to me she’s not got any money, I thought she was having me on a bit, but I had suspicions brother had claws in. Well she was visiting yesterday and broke down from not being able to pay her bills, she just kept repeating she’s not earning enough now, which she clearly is. The bills were only a few hundred too and she’s not the type to ask for money. I got quite concerned, and I noticed constant phone calls and texts coming in from brother. Now he’s the type that doesn’t contact unless he needs or wants something.

she went to the loo, and I snooped. I know it’s a total break of trust but I was genuinely concerned. I saw a list she’d wrote to him when he was telling her she was dead to him because she couldn’t give him £4k at the drop of a hat. The list went from 2019-2022 (so not even the last 18 months) and it detailed how she’d given him £120k over that time. He’s been going on luxurious holidays in that time. In a legal dispute with his ex. But he’s taking her to the cleaners and im genuinely worried. I looks like pure coercive control and an abusive relationship.

thing is i can’t tell her I looked and saw what I saw. She won’t take kindly to me calling social services or the police to talk with her, it will likely push her further to him.

shes 73 and he’s taken probably £150k at least

If she's got capacity to manage her money and she's saying yes to him when he asks, then whilst there might be ways you could find a criminal offence in there I just don't see the police getting involved. I also don't see the banks getting involved in vetting her transactions and given OP's career she's obviously going to know the options in that area anyway. It might be different if OP's mum had given the brother her login details or he was using her cards without her knowledge but that's not the situation. It's about OP's mum being supported to develop the strength to say no and hold the boundary.

It sounds much more to me like he's just putting a lot of emotional pressure on his mum to spend money on him. I really don't think there are very many options here apart from "no".

Well, could be both, you don't know. He could be paying "Peter to pay off Paul"
It's not been unheard off with addicts

Your poor mum! At least she has admitted it to you. I hope you can help her stop this abuse.

And also, these huge amounts suggest to me he's either got a drug or gambling habit., possibly both.

Talk to the police and the bank about what’s going on. Talk to Age UK about what to do in these circumstances

Whatever you do, don’t talk to your mother

Your mother would rather go poor than admit she is being played by her child.

She wants it to stop but Is too proud to admit it is happening on the first place

This is so unfair on you OP.

Both your DM and DB sound like real prizes.

thing is i can’t tell her I looked and saw what I saw.

I think you can and you should.

It's the same situation as a wife looking on a husband's phone and finding evidence of an affair.

The husband will explode in a 'breach of trust/looking in my phone' atomic cloud but the wife just needs to hold the line of that is not the most important thing here. Eventually the distraction anger and complaining will settle and you can direct the attention to the main problem

Same with your mother. I'd tell her what you have seen, put on a flak jacket and prepare for the breach of trust complaints/row but just keep calm and stick with the line, that is not the most important thing here untill you can get her to focus on the main problem.

If you’re worried it will blow your family apart because you know report anonymously. But will she let them look into it?
Or ask her if she would like you to help and take baby steps sort out her banking etc power of attorney. She should not be stressed about this at 73. If he carries on she will have nothing left. Is her home still in her name?? It has he changed that and the will etc.

You do not pay for Security Clearance out of your own pocket - that's the employer. Your "D"B is spinning yet another pack of lies.

Talk to your mum seriously about getting PoA on her finances, she won't lose any control but it will help you massively if you need to intervene (appreciate you probably know this already working in banking).

Also register an interest in the house if you can. It might be tricky to do formally but as a bare minimum you can register a property alert free of charge via Land Registry - it will let you know if anyone conducts a search against a property.

HM Land Registry - Property Alert

there was no charge to me when I had my SC done by a Government department.

No contact is the only way with something like this but she won’t

The thing is she has deep pockets and an expensive home so he could really bleed her dry

There seem to be a lot of things she won't do, and of course that's her choice, but TBH I wouldn't be too confident of the "wised up" lasting once he has her on her own and gets to work once more

Just so long as she doesn't think you'll be her fallback/that she'll move in with you if her bleeds her completely dry? Personally I'd be making it very clear that this wouldn't happen, but each to their own and only you can decide that

I’m sorry OP.

i don’t know how some people sleep at night tbh

Oops, didn't RTFT. Well done for tackling it.

As said the government does not charge you for their sec clearance (though I’m sure it could be a ‘good idea’ for them if suggested 🤦🏻‍♀️) - but if it is high level then the men in grey suits will be along to speak with you, or at least your mum (dunno about the grey suits tbf but do know they interview family).
You know this was a further lie - it’s so abhorrent and so sad, but it is difficult to get anywhere as your mum agrees, however I hope one of the suggested organisations can assist. If not maybe you could be signposted to find some support /advice for yourself at least (like gamblers anon do family work) - this is not your doing and you only have so much control/help you can give your mum, so you perhaps could get guidance on how to handle it practically and emotionally. So sorry you are in this position.

I think your brother sees people as tools to be used for his benefit.

He sees £ signs instead of the person.

Are you sure your mother hasn’t done an equity release and actually doesn’t own the house she is in or will that be the next thing he asks for.

I know you say she has capacity but I would question this.

If she is so insistent on telling you then either

a) she goes through her finances with you

b) You ask her for POA for her bank account for a short period of time to get her back on track

c) You make the guess she is sending money to your brother, in which case if he is getting help then you need help too. If she sends him £3000 to prove he loves her then she has to send you £3000 to prove she loves you

d) ask for your share of any inheritance early as your brother is making his way through his so it is only fair that you get yours

Hopefully C and D are enough to shock her into some sort of understanding that she might want to prove she loves your brother but all it is proving is she doesn’t feel the same way about you and if money is how she is showing her love then what does that say about how she feels about you

This is a complete lie. Security clearance (whatever level you get) is completely free of charge as part of your job.

I'd try with the POA again. You can do it yourself with no solicitors. I'd take the approach of "what would happen if you were in hospital mum and needed your bills paying" and not mention your brother. Once you have it and are registered with her banks you can set up online banking and see exactly what is going on. My DH has done this for his mum who also refuses to online bank.

Since you’ve had the discussion, could you maybe suggest you get a POA over her and give her pocket money so she doesn’t have the difficulty of saying no to him? Or at least she gives you joint control over her account so no transfers can be made without your consent?

Sounds like a gambling habit mixed with an over Inflated ego and champagne tastes on mummies money.

Your brother belongs in jail OP. He's vile.
Treating your mum like that. Attacking you when you were pregnant.

I would call the police, he's committing financial and emotional abuse.

There is no charge for a UK security clearance. The sponsoring organisation may get billed but there’s no charge for it.

In this situation rather than police the answer is for her to give you PoA asap.

You can explain how you can help your mum safeguard your money and stand up to him.

You can put the application in online but be warned it may take a while.

What would happen if you threatened him with the police if he doesn't stop asking her for money?

I agree with POA and then is there any chance you could move your mum closer to you ? Rent the house out ? Perhaps visit a solicitor with you and lay down proof about what he has done and at least write him out of her will as well ? Get her back on her feet but away from him . Because I bet he knows how much money she has left if any .