Brother has swindled DM out of over £100k- desperate advice please

[Unicornfairysoap]

Sorry I’m posting in aibu for traffic.

this is long, you may remember such threads as brother Pretended to dying DF to be in the navy to get money, pretend to be in mi6, threatened me with a multi billion £ law suit for saying he doesn’t have a PhD (he literally doesn’t, so it’s a stupid lie)

well DF died a few years ago and it’s been just dm, she lives 2/3 hrs away from my, brother lives closer. She works part time (20hrs a week) and gets my dads old pension and hers, which I’ve totalled as around £3.5k per month (no mortgage just bills). She’s been frequently crying to me she’s not got any money, I thought she was having me on a bit, but I had suspicions brother had claws in. Well she was visiting yesterday and broke down from not being able to pay her bills, she just kept repeating she’s not earning enough now, which she clearly is. The bills were only a few hundred too and she’s not the type to ask for money. I got quite concerned, and I noticed constant phone calls and texts coming in from brother. Now he’s the type that doesn’t contact unless he needs or wants something.

she went to the loo, and I snooped. I know it’s a total break of trust but I was genuinely concerned. I saw a list she’d wrote to him when he was telling her she was dead to him because she couldn’t give him £4k at the drop of a hat. The list went from 2019-2022 (so not even the last 18 months) and it detailed how she’d given him £120k over that time. He’s been going on luxurious holidays in that time. In a legal dispute with his ex. But he’s taking her to the cleaners and im genuinely worried. I looks like pure coercive control and an abusive relationship.

thing is i can’t tell her I looked and saw what I saw. She won’t take kindly to me calling social services or the police to talk with her, it will likely push her further to him.

shes 73 and he’s taken probably £150k at least

Those above are all excellent posts about getting clearance and the op did ask about that...but

The main point is the son is extracting money from the mother (also ops mother) and she is wondering what she can do about it. She has already confronted her mother who has admitted it is happening but is being shady with the amount

I have suggested she go to the bank where her mum has an account, with her mum, and get some controls put on there.

Let's hope she can persuade her mum to do this.

Police info

You can report in person, phone, online

https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/i-need-help/getting-support/how-the-police-can-help/

Your DM needs to say one word

No, no, no

How is that helpful,?

It's very difficult to say no to someone when you have a sense of unconditional loyalty towards them. She is in a bind!

OP is there any way a big lie back on him/your mum would work - you’re mum adds up the amount she’s given to him, thinks about the issues he now has and she comes to the conclusion that she has to report it to the police because someone is scamming him or he’s under duress and having to ask her for yet more money for these people? Would your mum buy that idea and willingly go to the police? She can then truthfully tell son later she was trying to help him?
The police get involved and get your mum protected from him. Or does she just really know he’s a thieving rat and she’s scared of him/ can’t admit it to herself

At least document everything you can. This could get even worse and you need to be able to refer back.

A friend of mine’s mother passed away a year ago and she found out how her sister had taken huge sums then coerced her mother into changing her will. My friend had suspicions but nothing concrete whilst her mother was still alive. Now she wishes she had been more proactive from the start.

No, that's not true. There is no unconditional bond! What do you mean by unconditional bond? Is it one where the son takes from the mother for years?

I can see that the mother feels trapped but it isn't an unconditional bond.

Have you asked your mum - “how would you like me to help you with this? On the surface your income and outgoings would suggest you should be financially stable/comfortable and even have money to put into savings. Are there other significant outgoings and if so, can you cut back on them?”

You could suggest that you accompany her to see a financial advisor who could help review how she stands financially and if her money is working hard enough for her e.g. use of ISA allowance etc.

If she admits to you that she’s been giving/lending money to your brother it gives you an in to understand in what context and to suggest that an empty vessel cannot pour. If she continues in this way she will not be able to afford to support herself, and there could be other ways she could support your brother that are not financial.

I don’t know enough about financial coercive control, particularly between family members, to comment on the likelihood you’ll get support with this. It’s very difficult if she’s giving this seemingly willingly, and will double down if you challenge her.

The mum has already admitted this. Read further up!

Beginning to feel like the OPs secretary!

Can people just actually read the thread....please.

So I don’t think drugs, what I think is massive inferiority complex so wants it all and not prepared to work for it but wants the status it brings

Well, I am not sure.

There's a whole lot of money going out and that would say cocaine habit to me...just a suggestion.

Age UK, definitely will call because I can see her start to get sucked him with him and it’s only because I’m there to shake her out of it she’s not got sucked in. this worries me

i can contact her bank but you normally need consent to put a vulnerable customer market on a profile (I’m in banking too) so I’m not convinced it will do anything as she knows she’s sending the cash.

she’s says she’s wised up but who knows

He is a monster! Disgusting
She needs to say no and call the police if/everytime he threats her!

I know it's her son...but at this point it's only genetics saying it's her son...everything else is says he is a piece of s*!

I’m in a government job, in something more sensitive than “project management” and any clearances are OF COURSE paid for by whichever department it is. It’s VERY RARE to need top clearance. VERY rare. Even I have a way higher clearance than I need for my role, and mine isn’t the highest one!

So it’s bullshit. He doesn’t have a job. He doesn’t need to pay for clearance. But you know that already.

It’s free there is no charge for security vetting

You're in banking too.

Surely you know you can put your mother on vulnerable list?

Yes, keeping an eye on the house, if owned, is very important.

If she's been transferring money to the 'D'B then he may have persuaded her to sign the house to him.

And yes, getting a PoA for finances is imperative but the brother may have already 'sorted' that with his mother.

The OP is very much at the back of the race at the moment, I only hope that the son has just been asking for cash & nothing more nefarious.

Oh & check the mother's credit rating...

Not RTFT but good point about deliberate deprivation of assets if care needs arise in the future

At my place of work you need explicit consent from the customers or to believe they are at risk of self harm and then there’s a legal process

If she's with you at the moment out of his clutches, and has (for now) gathered up all her strength to be honest with you and seek your help, I'd suggest to her that you go together right now to a solicitor to draw up a Power of Attorney where the solicitor can attest that she is requesting it willingly at a point that she has full capacity.

It may well be the case too but a lot of it is £50k for a house deposit, big chunk for an SUV, and then holidays, rent and mortgage payments (bitter legal dispute with ex)

I work in government & needed high level security clearance & i can categorically tell you that you don't have to pay for it.
You may be given a provisional offer pending obtaining security clearance as you need to provide ID etc, but there is never, ever any charge.
(not that you really needed me to confirm he is lying unfortunately)