Brother has swindled DM out of over £100k- desperate advice please

[Unicornfairysoap]

Sorry I’m posting in aibu for traffic.

this is long, you may remember such threads as brother Pretended to dying DF to be in the navy to get money, pretend to be in mi6, threatened me with a multi billion £ law suit for saying he doesn’t have a PhD (he literally doesn’t, so it’s a stupid lie)

well DF died a few years ago and it’s been just dm, she lives 2/3 hrs away from my, brother lives closer. She works part time (20hrs a week) and gets my dads old pension and hers, which I’ve totalled as around £3.5k per month (no mortgage just bills). She’s been frequently crying to me she’s not got any money, I thought she was having me on a bit, but I had suspicions brother had claws in. Well she was visiting yesterday and broke down from not being able to pay her bills, she just kept repeating she’s not earning enough now, which she clearly is. The bills were only a few hundred too and she’s not the type to ask for money. I got quite concerned, and I noticed constant phone calls and texts coming in from brother. Now he’s the type that doesn’t contact unless he needs or wants something.

she went to the loo, and I snooped. I know it’s a total break of trust but I was genuinely concerned. I saw a list she’d wrote to him when he was telling her she was dead to him because she couldn’t give him £4k at the drop of a hat. The list went from 2019-2022 (so not even the last 18 months) and it detailed how she’d given him £120k over that time. He’s been going on luxurious holidays in that time. In a legal dispute with his ex. But he’s taking her to the cleaners and im genuinely worried. I looks like pure coercive control and an abusive relationship.

thing is i can’t tell her I looked and saw what I saw. She won’t take kindly to me calling social services or the police to talk with her, it will likely push her further to him.

shes 73 and he’s taken probably £150k at least

'Can you ask her to go through her expenditure with you so you can help her budget for her bills? That would expose a big hole which gives you an opening.'

"See I did try this and what she does is bring the paper bills, and then just repeat it’s not enough money and get panicked. She won’t get online banking"

Ask her to bring her bills and bank statements so you can 'help her' figure out why she can't afford her bills.

If he’s being vetted for a government job the government would pay for that not him. I have a friend going through it now.

Also they can make the job offer before vetting but subject to successful vetting and shouldn’t start until the checks are back

I don't think so, a POA can be in place for a number of reasons not necessarily connected with fraud. When I stayed behind in the UK to finalise a house purchase, pre-internet by a long time, I had POA to sign documents on OH's behalf.

I face a similar situation which may or may not be helpful to share. I hope it is helpful. Over the years, my 70-year-old DB has received from our now 86-year-old widowed DM gifts of money, cars, plane tickets for visits, £8000 hearing aids, £1000 iphones, etc. totalling probably well over £100k. I discovered this all while helping DM sort her affairs after her husband (not DF) died. I recently discovered that she willingly gave DB another £50k, so much of her nest egg that she had to tap her home equity to survive. I discovered the latest gifts during a recent long visit while helping DM again to sort and file papers, bank statements and bills. I was shocked and terribly hurt to see my DB taking so much and her allowing it to happen. This was the third time since Covid I had flown thousands of miles (I live abroad) to help DM recover from an atrocious scabies infection which she has had for years (and lied about) which could have killed her(!), changing and washing her bedding every day, cleaning and steaming her entire house and car. So it was a huge shock for me to find DM has given DB so much of her savings that she won’t be able to afford a carer at home if her health deteriorates further (plus the fact that unless the scabies is completely cured, few carers would be willing to help, or even care homes for that matter).
I tried to speak with DM diplomatically, and reason with her. I explained that not only is she enabling DB’s financial irresponsibility (he spends money like water and has no savings) but is also jeopardizing her financial independence, as well as being quite unfair toward me. She told me she gave him the money voluntarily because he needed it. Then she realized she doesn’t have enough to survive if she lives past 90 so decided to tap her home equity. Concerning fairness, she said simply I can’t understand what it is like to have more than one child (I have one adult son). With all DB has taken and continues to take, there will be nothing left for me (or my son), obviously, which hurts, but that isn’t my main concern. I explained to DM that my main concern is that she will become destitute if she gives all her savings to my DB, and her home equity is the last of it. She assured me that she told DB he’ll get nothing more, but she tends to lie. She is quite emotionally immature and vulnerable. I helped DM get the best home equity reverse mortgage possible, but DB will probably manage to get his hands on that too. Unfortunately, DM has already given DB POA and mandated him as sole executor of her will. DB lives nearer to DM than I do. He still works, as a well-paid freelance psychologist (so well schooled in psychological manipulation), is married to a younger woman who makes even more than he does. Together they own a nice home, and two cars. He has 4 children from a previous marriage, but they are all independent adults. DB does not need DM’s money; he wants it only to support frivolous purchases and make up for his lack of planning and saving.
DM does not realize how emotionally vulnerable she is. She resents my interference, does not appreciate my help, and basically told me to butt out. I have no relationship with DB, whose attitude has long been despicable. I think both DB and DM believe that I will step in to support DM if she runs out of money. But I refuse, knowing that DM did this to herself, albeit coerced by DB.
I thought of contacting the authorities or the bank, but I don’t think there is much they can do, given that DM is still mentally competent and gave to DB voluntarily. Also DM resents me enough as it is. She would never forgive me if I called in the authorities, even to protect her.
Finally, with much regret, I decided to cut off DM completely for the moment. I can’t help and can only be hurt by this situation. If DM pauperises herself, she and DB will have to deal with the consequences. DM may die while we are estranged, and that thought is heartbreaking. Still, DM doesn’t care much about me or my feelings now, and was neglectful and dismissive when I was growing up, so I convince myself not to feel too guilty about cutting her off after all this. If DB predeceases DM, which could happen, I will probably have to support DM if there is no money left. I can’t imagine doing otherwise. But I will cross that bridge when I come to it.
I hope that you resolve this horrible situation with your DM better than I have managed to do!

shes 73 and he’s taken probably £150k at least

The amount of money anyone can give in any year is regulated by HM Treasury and they could take GIFT TAX on anything over the allowed £3K.

I don't know what the law is, but you must report what is happening to your DM immediately because it sounds to me like fraud. She may not recover the money, but you could help ensure that he stops taking money from her.

Unicornfairysoap · 02/05/2024 13:19

He’s starting again, he needs money for uksv security clearance.

saying he’s secured a government job and this is the final stage

If he has a government job, they could investigate him for GIFT TAX. The Treasury won't take long sorting that out. Surely you must know you cannot give your money away without paying tax on it? I am not sure, but they could include all the money he has taken from your DM in inheritance tax, and if they don't get that in six months, they charge interest on it.

From Google:

''People also ask
Can I gift 100k to my son in the UK?
In theory, you can gift as much money as you want to your children, but large gifts may be subject to tax (more on that later). The good news is that every UK citizen has an annual tax-free gift allowance of £3,000.

Gifting money to children explained (2023) | Raisin UK
raisin.co.uk
www.raisin.co.uk › taxes › gifting-money-to-child...

I think @funnelfan is absolutely right, this is really sound advice. At least if you’ve raised it with SS or the police and it’s documented, your mum will be looked after and not accused of deliberately running down her money. I feel for you

I would chat to brother and say I know what your doing and if you don't stop. I will call the police. Can you photograph what you saw as proof to him and the police.

I’ve been through quite a stringent and extensive Government Security vetting process and can categorically tell you that no payment is required. It takes months and months too, so not sure what timeline he’s suggested it takes.

Gvt jobs do not ask for money for security clearance, they do their own security vetting , including vetting bank statements, they will ask about any money your mum has sent him, and the vetting process can take over a year.

Bloody hell! No wonder you'd like to get him beaten up. I would be fantasising about the same (and worse). If you report the financial abuse and coercive control, she may know that you're behind it, but at least he will be on the radar of the police /SS. Although whether it will change anything is unclear...

This sounds like good advice to me.

Her bank might be able to advise you. Santander were very helpful to me when I told them that I was being financially abused by my ex husband. They have a separate department that deals with this and I imagine most banks do.

If he is obtaining money from her on false pretences (ie for security clearance fees etc), in circumstances where he seeks to control her by saying that if she doesn’t give him money she is dead to him, it is both fraud and controlling and coercive behaviour.

Please contact the police.

Check her credit rating. A friend of mine's sister not only swindled their father out of nearly £100k, she also took loans and credit cards out in his name. And yes, register for land registry alerts.

Did he text about the security clearance? Do you have some proof? Surely that’s fraud? He’s fraudulently trying to obtain money

ask him for proof
ask him who to pay the money to etc

see how much of a story he gives out.

I would contact police for advice about this. Maybe someone more than a call handler. This is financial abuse that’s under coercive control which is illegal these days

My father is vulnerable (and I have thieving siblings), he added me onto his account. We asked for all phone calls and letters/statements to go to my address. Ask your mum if this is possible, so she doesn't end up destitute. She might prefer having you to "blame" for not paying out anymore.

‘Oh mum, I’m so worried about this. I can’t think where all your income is going. Are you sure there’s not one of those scams going on that you see on the telly. Letls go to the bank and check?’
and repeat.
Then, if she doesn’t want to help, you have to shrug or follow other advice re Age Concern etc
What a horrible position to be in.

This happened in my family too. By the time I found out what my only sibling was doing, everything my mother had was sold/ liquidated and moved to my sister’s account. In the meantime my mother was living in neglect and squalor. I lived in another town and my sister lived within walking distance of my mother. I visited monthly, bought a monthly shop and cleaned up. When I next visited the food was there rotting. My sister was on the point of selling my mother’s house and had been hampered by a special trust on the house. My sister cried and confessed saying that I didn’t need money and my mother had given everything to her for her debts. My mother was in the early stages of dementia. I engaged a solicitor and applied to have power of attorney. My mother’s accounts were gone through forensically and it was clear that my sibling had been stealing from my mother for years. In return for keeping the police out of this, my sister readily agreed to my having power of attorney and looking after mum’s affairs. I brought my mother to live with me and eventually to a nursing home round the corner which I visited every day, she was sectioned when her little cat died and she wouldn’t let it be buried.. This was so painful and I have had an autoimmune disease since, it cost £20,000 to sort out. My sister, having suffered no penalty, disappeared to France having bought a mill to live in. We are estranged because our version of events is too different to reconcile. We tried once or twice. At least my mum got properly looked after.

Oh @MelodyFinch that is so sad. Your poor mum 😔
I can't imagine what your sister's version of the story is, but I really hope she gets her comeuppance once day. I'm not a big believer in karma, but in this case would love it to hit your sister hard.

I'm glad your mum had you to look after her 💕

Apologies if this has already been posted (it’s a very long thread) but this absolutely is coercive behaviour - if he has lied about where any of the money is going (ie security clearance) then he can be investigated.

Recent example here:
https://metro.co.uk/2024/04/30/man-jailed-bullying-grandparents-340-000-life-savings-20744308/amp/

Can you get back into her phone and block him.

I clicked YABU for one reason only and hats because if this was my mum and my brother I wouldn't hesitate to report it. I'd rather she not talk to me then be took advantage of.