Brother has swindled DM out of over £100k- desperate advice please

[Unicornfairysoap]

Sorry I’m posting in aibu for traffic.

this is long, you may remember such threads as brother Pretended to dying DF to be in the navy to get money, pretend to be in mi6, threatened me with a multi billion £ law suit for saying he doesn’t have a PhD (he literally doesn’t, so it’s a stupid lie)

well DF died a few years ago and it’s been just dm, she lives 2/3 hrs away from my, brother lives closer. She works part time (20hrs a week) and gets my dads old pension and hers, which I’ve totalled as around £3.5k per month (no mortgage just bills). She’s been frequently crying to me she’s not got any money, I thought she was having me on a bit, but I had suspicions brother had claws in. Well she was visiting yesterday and broke down from not being able to pay her bills, she just kept repeating she’s not earning enough now, which she clearly is. The bills were only a few hundred too and she’s not the type to ask for money. I got quite concerned, and I noticed constant phone calls and texts coming in from brother. Now he’s the type that doesn’t contact unless he needs or wants something.

she went to the loo, and I snooped. I know it’s a total break of trust but I was genuinely concerned. I saw a list she’d wrote to him when he was telling her she was dead to him because she couldn’t give him £4k at the drop of a hat. The list went from 2019-2022 (so not even the last 18 months) and it detailed how she’d given him £120k over that time. He’s been going on luxurious holidays in that time. In a legal dispute with his ex. But he’s taking her to the cleaners and im genuinely worried. I looks like pure coercive control and an abusive relationship.

thing is i can’t tell her I looked and saw what I saw. She won’t take kindly to me calling social services or the police to talk with her, it will likely push her further to him.

shes 73 and he’s taken probably £150k at least

Maybe citizen's advice would be able to best advise you. I do think that raising a safeguarding concern with the local authority is a good idea, as you are concerned that when she should have enough money, she doesn't. Also, if she needs care in the future it's likely that it will all come out then during a financial assessment. Suggestions of POA is a good shout, with your mum being in her 70's but still of sound mind. It gets a lot more difficult when things start to go downhill.

Offer to go over her bills and accounts, she has come to you for help.
Watch your brother has not got any of her cards or access to her accounts.
Ask her if she would like you to be Power of Attorney.
Ask for the time being would she like you to be in charge. Reporting your brother to the Local authority is an option.
Tell your brother what you have found and this criminal behaviour has to stop before you bring in the police.

If she has capacity to make the decision and choice to give the money to him, sadly there is very little you or anyone else can do. Having capacity covers both good and bad decisions. If she has capacity but feels pressured/coerced by him, unfortunately it's still ultimately her decision to give him the money.

I can tell you from bitter, very bitter experience, that the police, safeguarding, social services and anyone else in authority will do stuff all.
We went through this and tried to involve all the authorities we could think of.
£238k and a will change favouring the abuser later, my father in law died destitute. No one in authority cared because he was deemed to have capacity.

Could you get your mum to open up to someone else? An old male friend of mine was concerned about his younger brother (yb) who was actually living with their mother. My friend couldn't get his mum to tell him what was going on. So he asked me to have a word with her because I was a nurse. My friend left the room. I had never met the lady before but I gently asked her how she was and how yb was etc. She then told me yb shouted at her. My friend got social services involved and his mum ended up in a care home but she was safe and away from the abuse of her youngest son.

If your Mum wont open up to you then go to your Brother telling him you know exactly what's been going on, you have proof & if he doesn't stop you'll call the Police & SS. I know you said you can't tell your Mum you snooped through her phone but you can tell her you have suspicions that she's being manipulated financially as the money coming in should be more than enough to cover her bills & still have money left over. Ask her to list her income & outgoings so it's all written down then ask her where she thinks the rest of the money is going if its not listed. She might open up a bit if it's there in black & white.
If the Police get involved they can ask to see her phone as evidence so please let them know what you saw on it if you do get them involved.

This was my experience sadly. I am so sorry this happened to your family as well.

Ifearthishashappened and NiceBerries. Mine too unfortunately, in fact our families experiences with the police and NHS will be forever soured after their dismissal of my Grandmothers needs because they were convinced she had capacity when it was obvious to all that she really didn't.

We had a similar experience. DB and I pulled apart dads story of how he ended up in hospital in great detail. He had told them he had gone to the Christmas lunch organised by a firm he had worked for before he retired. We told them that the firm had closed down about 5 years previously and his former boss had died. Ignored us.
However, they took notice of an elderly friend of his , who knocked on the ward office and told them he had known DF for 50 years, was a close friend of late DM and DF and he was worried about DF grasp on reality as some of the things he was saying were rubbish, and he should check with DB and me. They started to take notice of us then.

Just to highlight - you don’t pay for security clearance - your employer does. So this is an out and out lie.

Hi @Unicornfairysoap any update on your mums situation. Hope you’re getting somewhere with it

Hi yes!

Sorry a lot has happened!

we toon DM away for a last minute holiday to get away from the stress and sort of physically remove her from the situation which I think was helpful.

called the bank, bless the agent, they tried to be understanding but were baffled and couldn’t really disclose a lot. This correlates to my understanding of my work places vulnerability policy, because ultimately if a customer can show they were in sound mind and the person is known to them (unlike romance scams) how can you discern a coerced transaction or other wise, but regardless spoke to bank.

she begged me not to go to the police but I’m very much considering it, especially with what’s been happening since we returned back.

we’ve had a stream of phone calls, from random people and agencies claiming to be security firms and the government (all withheld numbers) stating his name and government security status. Very odd. I’m wondering if he’s downloaded a voice changing app and is calling us himself? Because It seems a mighty coincidence?

dm got a huge amount of abuse because she dared to go on holiday rather than give him money. How did he know? We aren’t sure, she’s worried he’s put a tracker on her phone? I think more likely he knows her phone ID password and can do the ‘find my phone’ thing remotely. The abuse was threatening in nature and then turned into threats to kill himself if he didn’t have the money given.

i had to borrow a phone to reach him as he has blocked me. Met with again insults, and a screenshot of a contract (employer not shown) saying he earns £74k a year. 3 years ago he was working in a pub, no prior experience and now he’s a snr programme delivery manager for the government apparently. Surely this can’t be real with so little experience? Can a contract be faked?
but my question to this was with such a large salary why are you taking money from a pensioner? Apparently high cost of bills, rent and bitter property dispute with ex.

DM seems wised to it now.

i also spoke to an age charity organisation, can’t recall the name. But they were very helpful

Buy your mum a new phone with a new number ASAP! Also new laptop/iPad if affordable - loads out there 2nd hand and open new accounts for her or change passwords. Your brother sounds deranged, desperate and potentially dangerous. Definitely contact the police!

He could have cameras/listening devices in her home - go online and there are videos with info on how to detect. She is his personal cash cow who he wants to continue to control and he is making threats

Erm what are my real intentions?

screenshots would be on her phone and I’d have to send them to mine which would have left a record on her phone so she’d know I’d seen it. I did however take pictures, so I have a record.

and that doesn’t prove a criminal action has occurred, many parents financially support their children and give them cash, for various ‘big ticket’ items. I know he’s been coercive because I know him, but fundamentally I don’t have hard evidence of this that can be dismissed has he said she said.

erm fixation on online banking? What? Silly comment. My comments in relation to her not having online banking were that she has to either go to branch or call up to make a transaction and I can’t go through anything with her at any given moment as she still has paper statements 🙄

he was definitely letting himself into the house and taking things, some of my late DFs silk ties for instance, he posted pictures on social media In various suits and from closely looking you can see he was In her house and without her knowing. She’s since changed the locks.

i gave her my old phone so that’s taken care of, she just needs to change all her passwords

I’m so sorry OP, this sounds hellish and like the plot to a tv drama! Your poor DM. She must be struggling to grasp/accept the seriousness of this situation as it’s her own child doing this to her 😔

Google the screenshot he sent. He Could have found it on the internet and used it to send to you. He sounds completely delusional.

Like a reverse image search? I’m not sure how you do that lol

but I think there’s a lot of free amendable contracts on the internet he could’ve just tinkered with also?

Maybe I’m being too harsh, it’s just taken me 6 years in my career and I’m not at that level yet so it strikes me as odd that someone with basically no experience is walking into snr management jobs.

Likewise with the calls? It just seems weird

Even if that is his real job a contract he will not have to pay for security clearance, and no government agency would be hounding your Mum about it, they wouldn’t be allowed to.

What a piece of work. Keep checking in with your mam. It’s probably a shock to her system that one of her children can treat her like this.
Imagine letting your mother go without, and not pay her bills so she can give you loads of her money.
Keep a close eye on her OP, and go to the police as well.

That’s the thing, they aren’t really asking for anything. Just stating they are ‘government security agencies’ and asking for him or about him? They aren’t asking her to actually do anything which again makes it seem weird right.

the job thing i just don’t get, the reason it’s quite potent and necessary to unpack I think, because a high paying job lends credence to the ‘short term cash flow problems’ and the ‘I’ll pay you back shortly, im earning a lot’ narrative

They still wouldn’t be calling your mum, if the was getting a higher level clearance and then needed to interview people they would make an appointment.

He is trying to back up his bullshit.

If he is earning that much he can get a loan.

Precisely and why would you need to borrow money when you’re earning that much? As a single man, your expenses shouldn’t be that high