Brother has swindled DM out of over £100k- desperate advice please

[Unicornfairysoap]

Sorry I’m posting in aibu for traffic.

this is long, you may remember such threads as brother Pretended to dying DF to be in the navy to get money, pretend to be in mi6, threatened me with a multi billion £ law suit for saying he doesn’t have a PhD (he literally doesn’t, so it’s a stupid lie)

well DF died a few years ago and it’s been just dm, she lives 2/3 hrs away from my, brother lives closer. She works part time (20hrs a week) and gets my dads old pension and hers, which I’ve totalled as around £3.5k per month (no mortgage just bills). She’s been frequently crying to me she’s not got any money, I thought she was having me on a bit, but I had suspicions brother had claws in. Well she was visiting yesterday and broke down from not being able to pay her bills, she just kept repeating she’s not earning enough now, which she clearly is. The bills were only a few hundred too and she’s not the type to ask for money. I got quite concerned, and I noticed constant phone calls and texts coming in from brother. Now he’s the type that doesn’t contact unless he needs or wants something.

she went to the loo, and I snooped. I know it’s a total break of trust but I was genuinely concerned. I saw a list she’d wrote to him when he was telling her she was dead to him because she couldn’t give him £4k at the drop of a hat. The list went from 2019-2022 (so not even the last 18 months) and it detailed how she’d given him £120k over that time. He’s been going on luxurious holidays in that time. In a legal dispute with his ex. But he’s taking her to the cleaners and im genuinely worried. I looks like pure coercive control and an abusive relationship.

thing is i can’t tell her I looked and saw what I saw. She won’t take kindly to me calling social services or the police to talk with her, it will likely push her further to him.

shes 73 and he’s taken probably £150k at least

Can she transfer most of her saving to a more secure account without him knowing? Does he have online access to her account already . Maybe you could see someone privately in the bank to ask them to monitor her account as you suspect abuse . They prob won’t discuss details of her account without your mums permission but would monitor her outgoings .when I sent £1,000 to my daughter in another country I was grilled incase I was being coerced !

What a disgusting waste of skin your brother is. I would absolutely get in contact with him and tell him if this continues you will be informing every authority that will listen. I don’t think I could stay calm in your place though, I’m so angry myself and I don’t even know you! Is there absolutely no way you could move your mum closer to you?

Could you bring along an accountant 'friend ' to help, so she would have to show bank statements with the anonymous intention of balancing money? X

To add, I really can't understand how any child could do this to their parents. Beyond manipulation, it smacks of being psychotic, sorry. Xx

My mother had capacity but we found her carer was stealing from her. My mother would not believe us but we went to the police my sister had found anomalies, checks missing and when we saw them obviously were not signed by her. The police came to the house and my mother tried to play it down and we were wrong. Police took over saying she was a vulnerable person. My mother had kept her monthly house hold accounts and old ones were in the loft which gave a good day to day view. To cut a long story short, although my mother died before the court case, the carer had done it before. She was sentenced to 2 years ( max sentence ) Unless any carers you employ are DBS checked you could employ her. My mother refused to allow us to check her DBS status and was very rude about our motives - red flag! There is such a shortage of home carers l am sure she will set up again. East Sussex Police were FANTASTIC and the BBC also picked up the story to worn other pensioners. in the end we found antiques we valued stolen by her, the garage was used to store stolen goods. As for money she stole and spent 100k+ Mum was also interviewed and videoed. by the police. So many get away with it because the person very often has a degree of dementia and so they are are poor witnesses - the perfect crime. Please go and speak to the police unit concerned at least. Some years on l still feel guilty we did not stop it earlier but mum was a widow and we both lived 100's of miles away and maybe didn't visit as often as l should have. Phone calls do not give you a picture of what is happening. Not exactly the same but theft and manipulation are the same

Why didn't you just screen shot the posts given you managed to access them. Then all you had to do was go to the police and raise a care order. Not sure you are as caring as you would like us to believe and there is another reason behind all of this. Why are you so fixated on her having on-line banking. You sound no better than your brother i.e. trying to take control. The fact you refuse to go to the police is a real red flag as to your actual intentions.

I became ill and have had people onvolved in my life. I have a social worker, Age Concrtn helped sort out finances I was entitled to. I would talk to both Age Concern and her Dr who have a social orescriber and they could probably help. My friend helps her mother with her bills and they have a joint account. She's found that her mum has been overcharged by a tradesman. Her mother is quite sharp and able to manage most things but is coming to terms with the internet. So that works well. Your brother needs a fright about him taking money from her and being charged with theft

M

Call Age UK advice line now. Mum isn't the first and won't be the last. They'll give you all the advice you need and what steps to take. And you need to take plenty of steps. But get advice now.

Call the police.

An uncomfortable truth you have to face is that your DB is behaving like this because he knows he can get away with it because he knows you will dither.
You will have to toughen up and see it as tough love and be objective. Face the fact that she’ll turn against you. But can you live with yourself and do nothing especially when she ends up homeless.
I’d raise with HMRC DBs undeclared income.
Ask your mother outright is my brother asking you for money and if so why, and why are you giving it to him? She will deny it and you say sorry but don’t come to me crying you can’t pay your bills and when you become homeless. And emphasise she’ll end up in state run residential care, and Is that what she wants?
Report to SS and the police your DB is preying on a defenceless and vulnerable old woman.

The bank should have flagged up all these transactions! I would go to the police or social services. They don’t have to dob you in. Her bank could have raised the flag… they can approach her tactfully….

I’m reading between the lines and I’m guessing what you’re really saying is you want to get between she and him without her thinking you’re the bad guy yes? If he genuinely is that much of an evil shit I’d do this …..
Fake a letter complete with envelope with his home area post mark, from a pretend whistle blower who has ‘heard your brother bragging about how much money he has conned out of his foolish old mother and how he is so smug about manipulating her. Include the figures you saw to make it look like this mystery whistle blower really does have the ‘facts’. Then act horribly shocked and deeply concerned for her and show it to your mum. Say nothing much at the time about your real feelings for your brother though as she may smell a rat. Just concentrate on how you’re there for her and she’s still got you to look after her. You’ll need someone else to hand write it so she thinks it wasn’t you and have it say that they found your address etc on line and just had to let you know as no one should treat a mother that way.
I honestly think it’s time to beat him at his own game Op.

@Unicornfairysoap

This "could" be termed "coercive control" which is a police matter.

Look up Section 76 of the Serious Crimes Act 2015 and make an appointment [in person] to discuss this with a specialist Police Officer. Take any evidence that you can but Police may be able to get access to bank accounts

Tip off the bank that they have a vulnerable customer, with uncertain capacity, who is being directed to make bank transfers without full consent. They will likely put a block on the account - I have had to do this previously and the account was immediately blocked (with a thank you note from the bank).

Then take it from there - but cut it off at source

You need to have a frank conversation with her about how she's using her money. See if you can persuade her to voluntarily tell you about giving your brother money. I have a similar situation where my DMIL has given my not-so-dear BIL tons of money because he won't work, and she's afraid that her daughter and grandchildren will starve if she doesn't give them money every month. My nephew is doing the same to her. They make empty promises to pay her back, but they never will. But she keeps giving the money over to them.

Couple of thoughts. Offer to help her work out a budget and say that the only way to do that is to go through her bank statements with her, as well as the bills. Or - and I think that might be best - tell her you know your brother is asking her for money. Don’t tell her how you know - say it’s because you know what he’s like and it’s the only explanation that makes sense. If she has mental capacity (and it sounds like she does) there’s not much you can do till she’s willing to a) admit/acknowledge what’s going on and b) agrees to let you help deal with it. BTW I wouldn’t be surprised if he has told her to ask you for money (by talking about how she can’t manage the bills) but instructed her to say nothing about how she’s helping him.

I sympathise op, this happened in my family but the amount was much larger and a mortgage was obtained on the property. Lies were told to achieve this. It only came to light as they tried to get more money. It was reported to the police but they were loathe to take it up as they said often people will not testify against their relatives. We had to sort it out but the consequences affected the whole family and were long lasting.

You can try social services if you feel that there is vulnerability and that your mum has been coerced. Ultimately, if will prob come down to your mum realising what your brother is like and stop lending him money so she can afford her bills. I think you should speak to your mum and tell her that you have reason to believe that your brother is taking money off her and that is why she is worried about money. She may be at the point that she is ready to unload. You need to try and make her see the light.

There is a prepaid debit card called Sibstar which you might consider. It’s designed for people with dementia which gives a family member oversight and control over what they spend via an associated App (I think) and notifications. It may help in your situation going forward as it’s designed to prevent someone being scammed or unwise spending

Hello OP. Something is happening to a relative of mine that is not entirely dissimilar and we only uncovered when she went into hospital and the hospital didn't contact us (she has appointed someone who mostly lives abroad to be her power of attorney and they are listed as her next of kin).
Age UK has a booklet on financial abuse and also an advice line. Her local council should also have a line you can call, or an online form to report elder abuse I think. Ultimately, whether you go to the police is up to you, but speaking seriously to your mum about becoming her power of attorney (if you feel up to taking on your brother) sounds like a sensible idea.
What a wanker he is.

POA is effective in Scotland as soon as it’s been received by the office of public guardian. It will take around 5 months to receive the return of paperwork
Our lawyer told us this when we got her to witness our application

If find this very upsetting when an elderly person is being taken advantage of how could he do this to his own mum?.
I feel this is a silent cry for help because why would she say she cannot keep up with her bills when she has over £3k come in monthly.Probably scared of your brother and wants you to be curious and look into it so is sign posting.You actually can make a complaint anonymously who is to say it is not from the bank worried about her spending?.Please do something for her sake and your peace of mind too.

Talk to someone in the bank. They can make up any excuse to contact her. You need to talk to the police. The police will have a chat with him, and they can say the bank raised concerns. You'd be amazed about how quick people shrivel up when the Law gets involved.

You'd be amazed about how quick people shrivel up when the Law gets involved.

I think you’re right, @DietsAreForTheWeak, he’ll be terrified when he realizes there’ll be consequences for his despicable behavior. Horrible man.

I’d watch him like a hawk! Also don’t allow him in her house cause someone I knew done something similar to his Nan and the greed grew, he stayed with her and released money from her house. One she owned for 50+ years in North London, worth around a million (ish) and he intercepted the post,agreed whole thing, signed as her etc but luckily she got a call, her being deaf slightly couldn’t hear the person on phone and her daughter (his mum) took the call. All hell broke loose but if he’s that desperate he will do anything.

You know this is abuse, you know you have to report it to social services at the very least. If you love your Mum this is what you'll do for her because she clearly can't stand up to your brother and your brother sounds like a psychopath. She's crying out for help without actually saying the words. I bet she's terrified of him. Age concern would be a good place to start but what he's doing is illegal because he intimidating her into giving him money. Just because he's a relative doesn't make it ok. I know it's difficult but you have to do this.