To want to be consulted about DP's 8 Y/O DS being at the birth?

[PeedOffandPg]

She will be here for hols and there is no one else to look after her. Her mother is coming up with her and then going the next day and leaving her for five days.
He just assumes she will be there and be fine with it. But HE NEVER ASKED ME HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT.
I approached it today, asking if she will be fine seeing a birth. His response was, as I knew it would be, totally defensive. "I know my own daughter, if you dont want her there, she wont be, but neither will I"
His "issues" stem from thinking I want to do everything my way (long story)
BUT THIS IS MY DAY and I want to be put first. I think the visit should have waited till after I gave birth.
You know, the idea of her being there for her little sister's birth - that I am fine with.
But I am not fine with the fact that he didnt ask me how I feel about it. AIBU???

I did wonder that too - if the mother was using this as "revenge" and purposely arranging that her daughter would be around and in the way - while dropping subtle hints to Peedoff's DH that he was getting pushed around by his wife and obviously didn't care for his daughter.
I hope not.

Inductions do vary considerably. I've had 2 - the first one at 42 weeks, and a few hours after the first pessary I went into labour, and delivered a few hours after that - all fairly easy and straightforward.

However with DC3, I went in for an induction at 40+6, which failed totally. Tried again the next day 41weeks, again nothing happened. The next day I spent all day waiting for someone to assess me. 41 +2 I discharged myself and went home (with permission I might add!). I was booked in at 42 weeks exactly for third induction, but started contractions in the night before, and then had fairly straightforward delivery. I was keen to have DC3 induced because scans were showing him to be a big baby and I was in some pain with my pelvis. At the end of the day, my body wasn't ready to deliver before the 42 weeks, and I could have saved myself 3 uncomfortable and boring days in hospital if I'd left it to nature.

He was a big baby - 10lb 4.5oz, but no harder to deliver so I was worrying about nothing. You don't sound keen to have an induction, and unless there's a good medical reason, then I think you're more likely to have it fail/end up with unnecessary complications.

DD1 and DD2 were 10 and 8 when DS was born, and there is no way I would have had them present at the birth. They came along to the hospital for a quick visit a couple of hours afterwards. This is not about treating your DSD differently than you would your own child. Can your DSD's brothers not come over and look after her while you're in labour?

flyingmum, fortunately DP's ex is not vindictive and I figured that if he actually spoke to her she woud take the reasonable path, which she has in bringing DSD on Monday rather than Saturday.

He has this thing about wanting DSD to "bond" with her little sister - as if she wouldnt anyway????

He said he felt like I didnt think he was capable of thinking about these things for himself and considering his DD. I know for a fact he IS capable - but my issue was not being a part of that. Control freakery again.

I am as much a control freak as him and quite outspoken and he cant cope with that I think.

there's being a control freak and being a twat.

he's being the latter.

I would have thought it would be much easier for DSD to bond with a cute clean baby wrapped in a blanket that she can hold, rather than see all the blood, gore and the rest that goes with childbirth. As other posters have said it's likely to put her off babies, and could make bonding much harder not easier.

I'm sure DSD will be fantastic with her baby sibling - my DD who was the same age when DS was born is great with him.

I really think you need to give him the choice of being with you or his daughter during the labour & birth, not both. Suggest that DSD comes to the hospital as soon as possible after the birth to meet her brother/sister.

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Oh sweetheart, I so feel for you ..... and it's your first too. He has completely turned this into being about him and if he'd rather not "lose face" with his ex than properly support his current partner when she most needs him then I'm afraid he has some very warped values.

SD's mother has obviously given birth too. How she can even consider placing you in this position is unbelievably callous IMO. At the very least (no matter what her views on small children watching births is) she should have spoken to you about this instead of relying upon the "no worries" attitude of her ex. And of course, as F & Z said, in scenarios where people do decide (and it's a joint decision) to allow children to be around at a birth, it should be a well thought out plan with extra support specifically for the child (what if they decide they "don't like it" and/or there's an emergency ??)

IMO, it would be the decent thing to do if she kept SD at home for the 1st couple of weeks after the new baby's arrival (excepting a few day visits, maybe for a couple of hours at a time) so you can focus on the baby and so DP can help you. When she had SD, presumably she had the 100% support of her ex then ...... but thinks it okay to dump her daughter on you when you've just given birth and will be exhausted (okay, okay, I know SD is DP's daughter too, but really, how about a bit of common sense and compassion here ?)

I think the thing which astounds me most though is here we have a "man" dictating what a woman should be doing when giving birth !!!! What the fuck does he know about it - why does he get to control all this ?

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Have just x-posted with you ......

Hmmm .... am not entirely sure the ex is being "reasonable" by agreeing to bring SD Monday instead of Saturday. That gives you a very short window in which to give birth doesn't it ?

Plus, what I've said above, about you having to cope with an extra child when exhausted. Even if DP says he'll look after SD that means he's not available for you & the baby as he should be. I think SD would be perfectly capable of bonding with short visits during the 1st couple of weeks, rather than a prolonged stay.

Chequers, she had such a huge fear of giving birth that she knew that she would be demanding a caesarian if and when she got prgnt. She had seen her mother give birth at home. She was about 14 too so older than 8 by a long way.

So what I'm saying is that a child is too young to witness a birth. It's a miracle and it's natural, but I don't think it's a good idea.
jmo

I agree that dsd's mother is not being entirely reasonable herself. You need time to recover from birth, particularly if you end up with an emergency cs. It should be arranged for dsd to come for a longer visit when you decide you can cope with having her around (after all she will be an additional responsibility - and it wouldn't surprise me if dp buggered off back to work as soon as you are home leaving you to cope with dsd as well), although she could have shorter non-staying visits to her new sister before that.

I do think you are being so reasonable that it's not normal, IYKWIM. This is your first birth and it's been made to be all about your dp and his dd. Unbelievable.

Why does she have to come Monday, can you not arrange so that it is when you have actually given birth and are at home? Can you not speak to the ex direct?
You mention she is reasonable.

Alternatively, let us know where you live. I'm sure that one of us would be only too willing to "doula" for you and then dp can be totally selfish and spend time bonding with his dd elsewhere. You at least would have someone concentrating on you and you alone.

DP works from home and we dont live together so I wont have to deal with DSD by myself. We spend most of the time at mine and will continue to do so after the birth.
To give some background - DSD's visit is being fitted round the school hols and I am in Scotland while she and her siblings are in England.

Which is no excuse for not giving me more space, but then she is not a handful and as I said I wouldnt have minded her being there for the birth if it had been discussed with me beforehand.

I know that DP's ex will just have assumed that this is something I am quite happy with because DP arranged it, not because it suited her. I have no probs with her at all. The initial arrangement was to have visited after the birth.

Perhaps after this he will not be so quick to make arrangements without asking me first.

I actually dont think an 8 year old is the worst to have in the house after a birth. My sister brought her dd with her both when DS1 and DS2 was born. She was 7 and then 10 when she was there. If she has a responsible characther she can hold the baby a little, she can fetch water for you, wash up dishes (or stack a dishwasher), she can fold laundry, make her into your little helper and a special big sister. My sisters dd was more help than hindrance after the birth. But that requires your dh actually involving her and tell her that she has to help out as you will not be minding her, as if she is on holiday.

SM - I dont have a Mum, Father or a sister, think that's why I am a bit more willing to accomodate his family.

As for not being in the mood for company - I will leave him in no doubt if that's how I'm feeling. Dont think I'll have a choice TBH. He'll just have to sort something out.

QS - this is actually what DP is good at facilitating, believe it or not, and is what I am hoping will happen.

Which hospital will you be having the baby at?

Did you say that you and dp dont live together?

Have you considered a doula?

Are you together as a couple even though you dont live together?(nothing wrong with that)
If you are not together might this be why he is being so bloody awkward?

YANBU, I agree with you.

First, I wouldn't want my 9-year-old at a birth for his sake = I think for a child the impressions and memories would be of something painful, frightening and violent (and yes, I know it's the most natural etc etc, but there's blood, crying, vulnerability and pain).

Second, you should not have anyone there whom you have not invited or employed. As someone pointed out, any additional stress will make you tenser. No-one should see you naked without your consent, let alone pushing a baby out.

Anyway your DP's 8 year old would probably be quite bored a lot of the time and your DP will have to amuse her in a dull hospital, rather than kissing your fingers and promising to make it all stop. Better to have her at home with someone who will bring her to hosp at first possible moment to meet her new sibling.

Good luck.

We dont live together (my choice). We are a couple but he would like us to live together, and prb a lot of his behaviour is resentment. That's just tough tho. he spends most time at mine, which is fine, then goes off for meetings or to his to work.

No19, when I raised the issue of his keeping DSD happy while I'm in hospital. he said something about making it an adventure. Again, how is that supporting me? Either he genuinely believes that that is how I like it or is getting his own back for my unilateral decision to live seperately.
When I reminded him that he was supposed to be with me as my birthing partner he said airily "Oh you wont notice me there anyway after a certain point"

Really, he will say anything to justify that his original idea was ok. But I just think it sounds flaky.

at your birth YOU are no. 1. not his dd.

No, really, POandP, I can't see how it will work at the hospital. Labour day is no time for anyone to be getting back at anyone else.

BUT if you are to have fruitful discussion with him you have to try to take the heat out of it.

Won't notice him there after a certain point? Well, no you won't, if he's down in the hospital canteen buying DD muffins and making origami shapes out of the napkins.

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