Not to use birth control at 45

[IDontLikeMondays88]

DH tried for baby number 2 for about 2 years without success. We stopped trying as I moved job.
however I am now established in new job and thinking perhaps we gave up too easily.
pregnancy probably unlikely at 45 but would I be unreasonable not to actively try but not to use birth control and see what happens

Thats up to you and a personal decision. Not sure what your AIBU is really.

I’m 45 and I feel too old to have a baby, my kids are 19 and 17. But if it’s what you want go for it I guess, it is objectively pretty old though.

If you and DH both agree to have a baby then YANBU

I suppose the age factor is on my mind a bit.

I get why you would leave it up to chance, but are you prepared to leave yourself open to e.g. multiple miscarriages, some of which may be traumatic? Impacts on your own health, physical and mental? At 45 things are more likely to go wrong than right even if you do conceive, bluntly put. Are you OK with those risks against the very small chance of a healthy live birth?

You’ve a general 5-6% chance of conceiving each month (obviously this varies wildly as some people are through the menopause at 45).

the issue is that even if you do get pregnant you’ve a 50% chance of miscarriage and a significant chance of the baby being born with a chromosomal defect.

personally I’d have a mirena coil and forget about it.

OP I had a surprise pregnancy at 43. All you can do is leave it up to nature and see what happens.

Well I think if I even had one miscarriage I would probably just accept it isn’t meant to be. I did have a very straightforward pregnancy and birth at 41 though. Appreciate 45 is different fertility wise from 41 though.

not sure @DreadPirateRobots in answer to your question which I guess is what I am mulling over.

Mumsnet thinks anyone over 40 is a shrivelled up old hag who is too old to physically carry their own baby and will have dire threats of genetic abnormalities and miscarriage.

go for it o/p. Getting and staying pregnant, and carrying to term always has risks, regardless of age. If you still want a baby, do it.

I quit last year mid forties as I think the risk of falling is v low. My cycle is very regular and no scares yet.

It is optimum all roads round to have babies in your 20s. 40s is pushing it - that is fact, unfortunately. Biologically harder and lots more risk. It’s not just how fit you feel raising a toddler. It’s dealing with a 13 year old when you’re nearly 60, and being unable to retire until you’re nearly 70 as you are supporting them through uni. Seeing your own grandchildren. Having the support of your own parents. It’s lots of things to consider which I don’t think many people do anymore. No I wouldn’t advocate for anyone TTC at 45, sorry OP but that is my honest opinion and not intended to offend.

It’s not something I would ever consider due to the much higher risks to mum and health of the child as a very advanced age mum.

If you accept the high risks for both you and the child, you are physically very healthy, and very financially secure that you can afford the teen and uni years when most are approaching and financially planning retirement then your choice.

A lady I used to work with had a 4th baby at 46. What would your thoughts be at falling pregnant at 46 or 47

I think you need to do what feels right for you and your partner.
Personally 45 would feel too old for me to even consider having a baby, especially considering risk factors and what age I would be when they were a teenager (!!), but other folk wouldn't see any issue at all.

a friend of mine discovered she was pregnant with her 2nd child 2 weeks after her 46th birthday - Big surprise. Baby was healthy.

So it can happen.

I had both of mine over 40, 42 & 45. They appreciate that I am experienced and can offer advice. I'm not interested in being their friend, so had no hesitation in disciplining them when necessary. They both keep me young.

Getting and staying pregnant, and carrying to term always has risks, regardless of age.

But the balance of risk against the hoped-for benefit of a healthy live birth changes rapidly after 40, and slides more and more towards risk.

I don't think I'd do it, but I'm not the OP; it's her balance to weigh. It's a personal sum, but it's madness to deny that the parameters change as age increases, losses and complications become more likely, and chances of live birth decrease.

So I am not really worried about the financial side of things - won’t need to work till 70 to support them as my financial situation good.
also I do already have a 4 year old so I am already going to be in my 60’s dealing with a teen.
i already don’t have much family support for 4 year old due to age of grandparents.

you’ve not offended me @FlyingSoap - these are valid points. It was never really intentional not to TTC until 40’s - didn’t meet my husband until late 30’s.

I think as long as you’re prepared for the possibility of getting pregnant, then it’s fine to ditch contraception.

I would much prefer to have a baby in my 40s than 20s, well I just would not have a baby in my 20s or early 30s full stop so it’s definitely not the optimum for me.

It’s such a personal decision, some people can’t cope with babies in their 20s and some can’t cope with babies in their 40s - it’s not a competition!

I missed where you said you had another child already. In that situation I would maybe feel better about it, as you will have them anyway, as you say, so what’s the difference in one more. Why not just see what happens… if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen- and many people have become parents older than you! Ok there will be challenges and you might be a lot more tired but I’m sure you will also be in a better financial position, and with more life experience to throw into parenting. All the very best whatever you choose x

Ditch the contraception if getting pregnant is a good thing. I think you’ll potentially regret it if you don’t.

@FlyingSoap i suppose I was thinking along those line.

Don’t think you are safe. My friend fell pregnant at 48!!

If you don't mind being pregnant and having a baby then go for it but if you'd not want to get pregnant use contraception. You get more tired as you get a bit older. You might not be tired at 45 but at 50+ you might be. After menopause your energy just disappears. This would be difficult if you have a little one.

I got pregnant at 44 and gave birth when I was 45 with no problems at all during pregnancy (but it wasn’t planned ) so they is still a chance you can get pregnant. You do have more energy at 45 than now daughter is 11 and I do feel the tiredness at nearly 57 !