Not to use birth control at 45

[IDontLikeMondays88]

DH tried for baby number 2 for about 2 years without success. We stopped trying as I moved job.
however I am now established in new job and thinking perhaps we gave up too easily.
pregnancy probably unlikely at 45 but would I be unreasonable not to actively try but not to use birth control and see what happens

A friend had her 6th at 49.

You could see what happens and then after a set amount of time (your choice) make sure you’re back on contraception? Otherwise you might alwyas feel unsure.

To be honest OP, I have a baby and I'm 43. Had her at 42. I'm pretty tired. It's fairly relentless. I think 45 is just too old. A 10 year old at 55? I have an older one too. I definitely wouldn't rush to have a baby at 45. Looking forward to getting the mirena in soon.

Chances of multiples increases in older mothers. Can you cope with twins or triplets?

Yeah I guess I am a bit worried that we might regret giving up so easily.
that said trying to get pregnant and it not happening I also found stressful.

@Fluorescentgem but I honestly think that most people with a baby are just tired no matter the age. Maybe unless you are a really young parent like 20 or something.

I'm almost 47 with a 5 and 3 yo, as well as a teen. It's great. We are financially stable, patient, I've done much of this before and the kids are adorable little buggers. My grandmother was not far off when she had my dad on the 40's. This obsession with not having later babies is a modern thing. It was perfectly normal then to have a late baby in your 40's.

I am mid 50s and menopausal. I feel a HUGE difference in my health and energy levels compared to my mid or even late 40s. Energy levels have dropped off a cliff edge - you have no idea until it hits you. Add to that I had aging parents that needed a lot of support when they suddenly had serious health conditions (COPD, cancers etc) as they aged, and grieving for both when they died. 50s are a tough age for many women before adding younger children to the mix.

Your decision needs to be what, considering your advancing years, menopause, aging parents on the horizon if you will be able to give your existing and a new child what they deserve from a parent for the next 18+ years, or if it is in your existing child's best interests to not have their aging mother exhausted to breaking point with a new, potentially high needs, baby/young child.

If you think you should chance it and then if it happens and have to go through all the tests that comes with it . And then a termination or miscarriage is a doodle go for it .

sone of the comments I feel are quite dramatic tbh. No one said a miscarriage is “a doddle”. Of course it isn’t.

Eh? You have tests throughout any pregnancy. Not sure why you are doodling miscarriages and terminations though, is everything ok?

That’s pretty much any pregnancy.

ever wondered why people generally don’t announce their pregnancy until 12 weeks, whether they’re 20, 30 or 40? Yeah, because it’s not uncommon to miscarry before then.

nothing’s guaranteed. You won’t know if you don’t try’s

At that age pregnancy is not easy come easy go . You have to be sure you know what you want . You don't just decide at 45 not to use contraception .

The child may well have additional needs - this is a scale and people think about worst case vs best case but that’s simplistic. Think about: can you cope with a child with SEN? Asd? Adhd? Pathological demand avoidance? It would tax anyone but your risks of having a child with additional needs are higher at 45.

@RinklyRomaine
It was perfectly normal then to have a late baby in your 40's.
40/50 yrs ago women didn't have access to reliable contraction, babies in your 40s were always talked about as surprises and usually a large age gap. My GM was 12 years younger than her nearest sibling born to a 45 yr old mother.

Follow your heart. You clearly have the means so the only negative for me would be higher risk of health issues for the child (and long term disabilities) but obviously the risk is low and not everyone would be concerned about that.

In your situation, I'd go for it with the mentality that it probably won't happen.

I think since you already have a 4 yo go for it!

I will say at 46 with a 13 yo I am more tired then in my 30's. I was a nanny in my twenties and also had a lot more energy then.

For me having a young kid in my 50's would be a nightmare, but that's just me. Plus my ds has complex sn's.

The older parents I know ( key words just the ones I KNOW) in my opinion struggle with energy and also flexibility.

Ds is adopted and many fellow adopted parents have been older. Many I've known have struggled to be flexible and go with the flow. There lives are much more strict and mapped out and they have struggled more with the special needs aspect. Maybe because they are more set in their ways?

They would also say they are parents and not friends with their kids but for me at least I like a balance. Because I'm my kids friend as well he comes to me with everything even if he knows I'll be disappointed. Just my experience.

Again, only sharing my experience before people come for me. 😉 Lol

Nothing wrong with having a baby in your 40s but the implication here from some seems to be that having a baby young means you can't offer them advice and want to be their mate? I had DS, 18, at 25 and I offer him endless life advice and help him with all sorts of things. I've always disciplined him and am most definitely not his mate.

If you're not using contraception then you're trying to conceive which means folic acid, no smoking etc.

In addition to the increased risk of miscarriage and chromosomal abnormalities, there is also a risk of multiple births. My MIL had twins in her forties. They destroyed her body (and her soul as they’re extremely difficult personalities!). She really regrets it still 30 + years on as she struggles to walk and bend. She had no choice as she lives in a third world country and they were conceived during a war. She repeatedly tells me to take precautions even though Im menopausal!!

I had a heart attack a month ago, when it was happening my biggest regret was that if i died i wouldn't see my little Grandchildren grow up. I am mid 50s and had my children when i was in my 20s and i can honestly say that being involved in your Grandchildren's life is the most special part of your life.
The job really doesn't matter as long as it pays the bills, the house you live in or the car you drive means not a lot. I have travelled extensively, i have lived overseas, i have done many things but none of comes near being a Granny so i never understand why so many women remove the chance of such pure joy from their lives by having children so late in life.

Due to ageing eggs, women become relatively infertile many years prior to the menopause.I saw a chart once suggesting fertility drops up to 10 years earlier. Obviously you don't know when exactly the menopause will happen until it does but at 45 it's likely to be within 10 years.

I had my last period at 46 and fertility struggles in my mid 30s which were due to poorer egg quality so it makes sense.

I wouldn't bother with contraception if I were you.

My Mum thought she was pregnant in her mid/late 40s. I was mid 20s and married.

Not sure if it was contraceptive failure or lack of - there’s only so much a son can ask.

Turned out she wasn’t - or lost it before she really knew (before days of diy pregnancy tests)

My absolute honest opinion is that 45 is too old. My personal cut off was 35. There is a higher risk of more serious illnesses and physical issues once you hit 50. My parents and in laws are in their 60s now and no way could they cope with looking after young kids for more than a couple of days.

There’s also a huge difference between caring for 1 child and 2 children.

YANBU however as pp's have said, there are increased risks. I had mine at 39 and 45 (wasn't on contraception between DC - both natural conceptions and both born healthy). So long as you are prepared for any possible outcomes I don't see why not. The risks increase but (aside from the increased risk of miscarriage) I think the chances of having a healthy baby are still more likely than not. Would I have liked to have had mine earlier and had a smaller age gap? Yes, but life didn't work out that way. It sounds like you are in a good position to try, good luck.