Not to use birth control at 45

[IDontLikeMondays88]

DH tried for baby number 2 for about 2 years without success. We stopped trying as I moved job.
however I am now established in new job and thinking perhaps we gave up too easily.
pregnancy probably unlikely at 45 but would I be unreasonable not to actively try but not to use birth control and see what happens

My babys 19 im heading in to peri and i would not cope with a toddler in my 50s.

But thats not to say you wont loads of mums have babies now over the age of 45 it can happen.
It's not for everyone its not something id want but who cares what others think.

The only advice i would say is look at the later aswell as now.
You fall peg at 45 46 47 your going to be parenting into your 60s 70s.
If you're ok with that then go for it.
The down side is you may not get to see or help with grandchildren.

If you have a 4yo anyway, then you might as well try and see what happens.

How does your husband feel about it?

Exact same scenario, now my oldest is leaving school, my youngest is in reception!

40/50 years ago was the 1980s and 1970s. I think you mean more like the 1940s, 1950s, first part of the 1960s.

I don’t think that was a universal attitude. I come from a big Catholic family in the US, and both grandmothers and several great-aunts had babies in their early forties, with the biggest age gap between kids being about five years. No one considered those babies to be surprises, just sort of a regular part of life. You’re married, you’re having sex without contraception, you’re premenopausal - you get pregnant and have a baby. 🤷‍♀️ How were these married women in the UK, before reliable contraception, having all these fertile years with no pregnancies?

If you’d be happy to have another child then yes, see what happens.

I have three friends who got pregnant in their mid-40’s, two at 44 and one at 46. Two of them were leaving it to chance, but the other one had difficulties conceiving when younger and underwent IVF to have her older children.

Obviously she assumed that she couldn’t possibly get pregnant without help- and then it happened. 😂

All three have healthy teenagers now.

My DM is the same age as my DDiL's DM. She's lucky that her DM is reasonably fit and healthy but my DGC seem to understand that they can ask me to play football and run after them whereas their other DGM would struggle.

Yeah 40 years ago was 1984. There was fairly reliable contraception available in the mid-1980s surely?

Anyway, it’s up to you OP, if you would be happy with a baby and have balanced the risks then go for it!

@buttnut Yes, my Mum was using the Pill from the late 1960’s. It became even easier to access during the 1970’s so it’s been a good 50 years since reliable contraception was hard to access. Plus we have so many more contraceptive options now.

I think you need to project forwards. a 5 year old at 50, 60 with a 15 year old. It's not for everyone.

I wouldn't personally have a child at your age - we stopped trying for our second when I was 40 as that was my personal cut off (had DS at 35). DH has since had a vasectomy.

So what is best for you and your family but bear in mind that genetic abnormalities increase as the parent's age - what impact would that have on your and your child's life?

I'd be worried that all my maternal hormones would disappear when the child was only about 5, when they still desperately need a motherly mummy. It's one thing to be menopausal with a teenager but with a primary school aged child it scares me. The warm and fuzzy feelings are the only thing getting me through this stage tbh.

One of my best friends is 53, and I am 33. We both have 7 year olds! First and only for both!

@Getonwitit i didn’t deliberately set out to be an older mum - it is how things worked out with relationships etc.

@KittensSchmittens I’m 50 this year with two teenagers and believe me, the warm and fuzzy feelings don’t go away! It’s just that teenagers don’t want all the hugs and cuddles that you’d like to give them- although I still get a few from mine. 😍

If you never try then it's 100% chance of failure. If you want a child then don't ever not try. If it's not meant to be then you could understand that situation but if there's a hint of wanting a baby in you don't ask anyone else or hang around. The biggest regret will be the time when you thought about it but never tried.

I'd think at 45, I'd count my blessings with one. That's me personally though I wouldn't want the risks of things not going well.

I’m 44, I’d love one more baby. But, my hubby’s gran had a menopause baby at 46 ( hubby mum had first child same year) Hubby’s mum now care's for her much younger sibling who has learning difficulties, autism and ocd. She’s loved and cared for in our family, but I can’t do that to my existing children or any new baby. So that ends any possiblty of a new addition for us.🍀🍀🍀

This!

i’ve read the whole thread to date and really don’t think this is an AIBU issue it’s a personal choice and in my view, nobody can reasonably comment without being really close to you.

I’m a similar age and single, so it’s condoms every time (sexual health) but it’s different for different people.

YANBU if you want a baby. However, 45 is really pushing it age-wise . I’d think carefully.

The timing of a child is rarely perfect. My father was 57 when he had me and he was the best dad ever- lots of patience and wisdom and kindness.

I am so much more reluctant to say 'sure go ahead' to someone who seems a bit too young than to someone who worries they are too old.

It’s funny how on MN everyone always rants about how cruel it is to have an only child…until the woman is older and then the consensus is that it’s even more cruel and selfish to have a child when you are over 40…

I had my DS aged almost 43. Very similar situation to you in that I met my DH late in life.

I can live with not being a Granny, or being a granny who is too old to play football (!). My own parents were dead when I was in my thirties anyway, neither of age-related illness. Shit happens. The fear in this place of having a life that is not utterly conventional (2.4 NT kids, all done by age 30, 4 grandparents round the corner to help) is laughable.

We never used contraception again after DS was born. I’m 50 now, nothing happened, but we had IVF for DS so not massively surprised. I think I am a bit relived that I did not have the worry about whether a second child might have additional needs but I know enough younger Mums of additional needs kids to have worried about that at any age pregnancy.

If you are asking would you be U to have another baby over 45, that is a personal decision for you and only you and DH can decide based on your health, lifestyle and plans for the future. If you are asking whether not actively TTC and just leaving it to fate is a good idea I’d say no- try properly if you want another child. All or nothing.

If you truly are ambivalent then I’d say don’t do it, just focus on the positives of being a family of 3, of which there are many.

Good luck whatever you decide.

I agree with you, Kein. I would not have considered it at 45. The op has a child, a good job and, presumably, a stable marriage and home. I do not get the need to add another child to this scene, when she could have such a good life as things are. However, it's up to her and her husband.

You should leave it up to nature if that's what you want. Nature will decide if your eggs and body are good enough. There's lots of testing that you can take advantage of and it's not unheard of for a woman your age to have a healthy pregnancy and baby.

Some people can't conceive in their 20s/30s and that's because nature decides!

Yes, @Kelly51? Less contraception meant more babies. Hence why it wasn't at all unusual for women to have a last baby late. My grandmother and her peers weren't ALL surprised, given how many of them had babies in their 40's.