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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this wasn’t a joke

144 replies

FogChill · 01/05/2024 09:58

And was actually quite a nasty comment?

I have just turned 40 and I was discussing with my partner that I am likely to start menopause in the next few years. My DM had terrible hot flashes and I said to him that he’s got all of this (sharing a bed with a heater) to look forward to. He immediately said - no way - I’ll just trade you in for a younger model who’s still able to get wet.

I’m absolutely upset that he has said this to me. I can’t believe that he thought this to begin with let alone said it. He’s now furiously backpedaling saying that it was a joke and that I need to get over it.

AIBU to be upset? I really don’t think I am.

OP posts:
Original poster
FogChill · 01/05/2024 14:48

Thelnebriati · 01/05/2024 11:12

Has he apologised? Or is he just trying to blame you for not having a sense of humour?

No, he hasn’t apologised. All he kept repeating was that it was a joke and that I needed to get over it.

OP posts:
Original poster
FogChill · 01/05/2024 14:52

ichundich · 01/05/2024 12:26

Absolutely LTB for a silly joke 🙄. Do you ever comment on his growing belly / receding hairline / other age-related niggles?

Absolutely not! He is sensitive about his hair loss. So I’d never joke about that because I know he’d find it hurtful.

OP posts:
C1N1C · 01/05/2024 14:54

I'm a guy and I agree with the above posts...

old-man joke @ the younger model bit
Getting wet bit = that's over the line

CactusMactus · 01/05/2024 15:12

Grim and tactless joke. As long as he doesn't have form for being a twat - move on.

mrlistersgelfbride · 01/05/2024 15:14

Knobhead.
Crass, insensitive, disrespectful.
I hope he's a well hung Brad Putt lookalike to go with that fantastic sense of humour?

Whatismypasswordthen · 01/05/2024 15:18

Never mind the menopause, that comment would dry me up good and proper 🫤

I'd be trading him in for someone with a better line in dirty talk.

itsmylife7 · 01/05/2024 15:21

FogChill · 01/05/2024 14:52

Absolutely not! He is sensitive about his hair loss. So I’d never joke about that because I know he’d find it hurtful.

Show quote history

Well maybe have a rethink and start "joking " about his hairline.

Everintroverte · 01/05/2024 15:22

Another one here to say second comment absolutely grim, unnecessary and hurtful.
Are you going to talk to him about it again? I don't suppose you would believe an apology now anyway as he clearly doesn't think it's an issue.

fatphalange · 01/05/2024 15:41

Fucking disgusting of him. I'd have told him 'it's a struggle as it is but that's down to the grim excuse of a man I'm with, I'm afraid'....bastard.

AmethystSparkles · 01/05/2024 15:47

That’s very grim. He’s not someone you’ll want to grow old with because you know exactly what he’ll be thinking of your ageing body. Sorry, that doesn’t sound nice but not sure how to word it!

willWillSmithsmith · 01/05/2024 16:16

If a partner said that to me I’d ‘dry up’ when he was around anyway. His vulgarity and disrespect would totally turn me off him.

willWillSmithsmith · 01/05/2024 16:17

mrlistersgelfbride · 01/05/2024 15:14

Knobhead.
Crass, insensitive, disrespectful.
I hope he's a well hung Brad Putt lookalike to go with that fantastic sense of humour?

Wouldn’t matter if he was ‘well hung’ he’s a total turn off.

Lamelie · 01/05/2024 16:37

As pp have said it’s the last part.
Trading in/ going grey/ growing whiskers/ zimmer frames/ hot flushed are banter. What he said is grim.

thisfilmisboring123 · 01/05/2024 16:37

I think the replies are slightly over the top.

I mean it’s not funny and not something my husband has ever said but I would say it was clearly a joke.

Don’t really get the comments, why is the second part so much worse than the first?

Spinningroundahelix · 01/05/2024 16:42

The average age for menopause is around 51 and you're only 39! Some people do sail through it despite mumsnetters blaming everything on perimenopause. I think though that your partner is rather awful. He's more than 10 years older than you and he's crass, balding and has ED.

therejustbarely · 01/05/2024 16:44

When someone tells you who they are, believe them.

Freakinfraser · 01/05/2024 16:47

Spinningroundahelix · 01/05/2024 16:42

The average age for menopause is around 51 and you're only 39! Some people do sail through it despite mumsnetters blaming everything on perimenopause. I think though that your partner is rather awful. He's more than 10 years older than you and he's crass, balding and has ED.

I think the op is confused and doesn’t know the difference between peri and meno. Peri starts at 40-44.

CheapThrillsMeanNothing · 01/05/2024 17:02

@FogChill
So you wouldn't mention his receding hairline as he's sensitive about it but he's happy to joke about it you getting vaginal dryness in peri/menopause.
Maybe time to 'trade him in' as he's becoming a grumpy old man with declining testosterone.

SmileyClare · 01/05/2024 17:07

I definitely think the age gap in a relationship with an older man starts becoming glaring when the woman hits her forties and the man is nearing sixty.

Throw in a decline in oestrogen and a lowered tolerance to men’s misogyny and your rose tinted view of him starts to slip!

5128gap · 01/05/2024 17:08

Blimey. He's no Oscar Wilde is he? He sounds as thick as a brick and twice as rough. If that his idea of humour, you must have to park your brain on the drive before you walk in. And that me putting the kindest interpretation on it. If I was being cynical I'd say he's a nasty negging piece of work that wants to keep you on your toes by making out he has better options.

Allfur · 01/05/2024 17:34

Ironic given how much younger you are and more likely to trade him in

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 01/05/2024 17:37

DonnaBanana · 01/05/2024 10:16

Imagine if you said to him if he mentioned about getting bald or something “it’s okay I’ll trade you in for a new model”. Now imagine if you added “who can actually get it up” it becomes a crude dig that undermines him. So very unacceptable.

A perfect comparison. I'd use this to explain to him why what he said was such a problem.

Apolloneuro · 01/05/2024 17:43

Ew! Gross.

OP you know exactly what to say the next time he suffers from ED, then don’t you. See how funny he finds that.

AdoraBell · 01/05/2024 17:44

I had a colleague who was divorced. Apparently her ex had always “joked” that when she hit 40 he would trade her for 2 20 yrs olds. Just after her 40th birthday he left her and moved in with a 20 yr old.

YANBU OP

splatmouse · 01/05/2024 18:09

Well, I think a good response to the second part of his comment would be a simple "That's quite the self-own, dear". Or the slightly jazzier, "Ooh, self-burn. Those are rare".

This would be implying that, if indeed you couldn't 'get wet', it would be his shortcoming, not yours.