To think this wasn’t a joke

[FogChill]

And was actually quite a nasty comment?

I have just turned 40 and I was discussing with my partner that I am likely to start menopause in the next few years. My DM had terrible hot flashes and I said to him that he’s got all of this (sharing a bed with a heater) to look forward to. He immediately said - no way - I’ll just trade you in for a younger model who’s still able to get wet.

I’m absolutely upset that he has said this to me. I can’t believe that he thought this to begin with let alone said it. He’s now furiously backpedaling saying that it was a joke and that I need to get over it.

AIBU to be upset? I really don’t think I am.

There is an awful culture of spouse-bashing the world over. I don't get it. If you don't like your partner and would have no qualms about this sort of joke to their face, I'd be questioning whether the relationship has the level of mutual respect it needs.

Well then, I suppose you could try it.

It was a nasty thing to say but if it really was a joke then it wouldn't have been intended to be hurtful and he would be apologising and reassuring you; he'd feel bad about it. The fact he doesn't care about upsetting you is the issue.

The ‘who can still get wet’ part is the problem. The younger model line is a standard jokey comment, but adding that second element was really nasty and personal.

I don’t believe for one moment he would laugh if he was joking about ageing and you said “No way, I’ll just swap you for a younger model who doesn’t have a limp little dick”

Christ, that’s awful. I’d be seriously considering my future.

When your libido nosedives as well, his "jokes" are not going to make you want to make the effort for your sex life, are they. He's just shot himself in the dick.

Both parts of the 'joke' are grim.

The fact that the first bit is acceptable is also grim imo.

Forget menopause....His 'joke' would make my fanny dry up like a desert!!!

Has he apologised? Or is he just trying to blame you for not having a sense of humour?

I would be wondering why I was with a man who could be so uncouth yet
consider it humour.
Fwiw you could have another 10/12 years before menopause and don’t necessarily dry up.

Women can ‘go off’ husbands post menopause, although for you,
hearing his vaginal clamping comment, this may occur much sooner

I'd probably respond with 'I'd imagine anyone sensible would also struggle to 'get wet' with you involved, regardless of their youth'.
Then burst out laughing. Just banter, innit?
Is he laughing now?

He's showing you very clearly who he really is. Be very very careful if you choose to ignore this .. in a few years you will probably think back to this early warning with regret, if you choose to ignore it.

His mask has slipped. I wouldn't want to be with a man who calculates a woman's worth not on a lifetime spent together, her worth and love and personality, but instead on how satisfactory she is as his fuck-hole.

He sounds like he may have a veneer of being an ok human, otherwise you'd have left by now...But ultimately he is likely just another disgusting selfish misogynistic pig. They are ten a penny.

It's like the huge amount of men who abandon their wives if they dare to get ill with cancer or something. It's a staggering percentage. Awful. Plus, is he so perfect, so sure he won't get erectile dysfunction when he's older? What a waste man.

OP, he is a pig and that would really put me off him and off sex.

The 'wouldn't cry about it' comment would have me packing his bags. Let him take his crap sense of humour, misogynist comments, limp winkle and dry eyes somewhere else.

Completely agree with this.

The younger model thing I’d laugh off to be honest, but the get wet tells me he’s an ignorant pig.

Yep this 👆

That sums it up.

The younger model bit would be okayish but not the second part. So you are basically just a convenient vagina for him. Lovely.

' he is over 50 '

he already has a younger wife !!!

' He said he wouldn’t cry about it. '

I would understand that as he doesn't care about the relationship he is in.

I have a very ‘fiery’ sense of humour and find things amusing on here that others get up in arms about - but the get wet comment is not ok.

The younger model was a joke, the comment about being able to get wet was nasty.

I’d say the only way the get wet part wasn’t an awful comment was if you were oddly moist, as in an over lubricator and it was said to be ironic (for example DH is really handy around the house, a trained electrician etc. sometimes I will joke that I’d upgrade to someone who can do some DIY as it’s hard having a useless oaf - as it’s clearly not true, if DH was an amputee and couldn’t physically do DIY that comment would be a horrible thing to say) but even then it’s a stretch.

I think it probably was a joke but who knows how much truth was behind it.

I just wouldn't find someone attractive that would think it was funny. I'm good with crude and fairly offensive in the right context but that's just laddy and crass.

So he’s more than a decade older than you?
How long have you been together?
I’d be wondering why he didn’t want to be with a woman his own age… or why they didn’t want to be with him

Op his reaction to you getting upset I think is also an issue here. It may well be he said something really silly and thoughtless and didn't mean it but to tell you just get over it or "he wouldn't cry about it" adds to the shit show that is him. No respect to sit you down and apologise and reassure you it was a joke gone wrong, he shouldn't have said it.. he was being silly. He's the one in the wrong. You don't need to justify being upset and abit of reassurance could go along away . Seen as it's just a joke and he wouldn't cry, put him on mumsnet.. there's alot of ppl that I'm sure could make him cry with their comments 🤣. Sending hugs op. Xx

Oh hang on, you are rhe younger model> was there a wife number one? Is that why it stings, as you know he will likely do that?

This is a good comparison! Totally unacceptable, not funny and absolutely gross OP!