To think this wasn’t a joke

[FogChill]

And was actually quite a nasty comment?

I have just turned 40 and I was discussing with my partner that I am likely to start menopause in the next few years. My DM had terrible hot flashes and I said to him that he’s got all of this (sharing a bed with a heater) to look forward to. He immediately said - no way - I’ll just trade you in for a younger model who’s still able to get wet.

I’m absolutely upset that he has said this to me. I can’t believe that he thought this to begin with let alone said it. He’s now furiously backpedaling saying that it was a joke and that I need to get over it.

AIBU to be upset? I really don’t think I am.

I think YABU because it can be both a joke and a nasty comment at the same time, it's not an either/or thing. Jokes can be vicious. I think his crime was to misjudge how you'd receive it. It's more ignorance/stupidity rather than malice.

Hmm it sounds as though he’s at least 12 years older than you?

It’s around the time you hit 40 that the scales fall from your eyes and you see him for what he is- a sad bloke in his 50’s who chases younger women .

As an aside, the average menopause age is 51, many women don’t hit menopause until their 60’s.
Some women sail through with few symptoms.

It’s a bit daft to be all doom and gloom about the menopause / getting old when you’ve just turned 40.

While I don’t think my dp would ever say the last part.
Proven by me already being in early menopause and him being good about exactly this type of thing and similar being part of the relationship now!

if he did say something that genuinely upset me thinking he was being funny though he’d be really upset!

it’s bad enough your partner said it but now he is refusing to take any responsibility or even acknowledge or care that your feelings are hurt. It doesn’t matter if it was unintentional he’s supposed to care about how you feel.

Ew….

make sure you’re financially secure, have a good understanding of your family finances. He’s warned you

Absolutely LTB for a silly joke 🙄. Do you ever comment on his growing belly / receding hairline / other age-related niggles?

The trading in comment is fairly typical humour for a lot of people sp some will find it fine and others won't.

Personally my dp and I have the sort of relationship where this common humour and we both know it is. In a similar way that there is a standing joke that I have taken out wedding insurance just in case I change my mind.

However, if you don't or one person feels sensitive to those comments then it is not ok.

The wet comment has made me gip though.

I guess you need to assess whether you would have found the first part funny if you weren't feeling so sensitive about imprending menopause and then judge whether you have over reacted or are justified in your upset.

Should she?

And if she does and it hurts him, should she tell him it doesn't matter?

Do you think it’s normal or acceptable to negatively comment on someone’s appearance? Some you love no less? There are lines surely?

This comment is akin to saying you’ll trade your husband in for someone you want to have sex with - it’s loaded

I'd tell him that you'll do the saw when he's older- trade him in for a younger model who's still able to get it up.

Does he think he isn't ageing too?

How long have you been together? Does he have form for offensive 'jokes' /comments?
As an aside, you have probably got a long time to go before the menopause (I had two children in my 40s!), so try not to anticipate too many negative things now.

I'd be a little hurt if that was said to me.
I know what it's like to be the brunt of all the jokes It's awful.

Should have shot back with "you dont make me that wet anyway"

@FogChill
As your 'D'H is 10+ years older than you, can he be so sure a 50s+ man can still attract a woman in her 30s?
He might be laughing on the other side of his face if his ED gets worse.
Some women get increased libido in peri menopause and menopause and men's libido can reduce as testosterone reduces with age.
He's not the catch he thinks he is.

Excellent response. Time to hit back hard, OP.

The get wet part is just disgusting and degrading to you. It's like you're getting an opener to a whole new way that he thinks.

"I did ask him how he would feel if I threatened to trade him in for a younger model every time he got ED (which is more frequent than it used to be given that he is over 50). He said he wouldn’t cry about it."

I think I'd test his own ability to get wet, preferably through tears as he watches you walk out the fucking door. What a creep.

I agree that the last part is awful. I wonder whether he feels insecure as he is obviously much older than you, and is trying to put you down to boost his own shitty little ego.

I’m not. We’ve been together ten years and neither of us have been married before and we were both single completely when we got together

Hahahah I shouldn’t laugh it’s not funny !
But why don’t u trade yours in for a new model !! His bit about being wet wud av givin me the ick !!
But I do think he was joking it makes me laugh thou when men say this like as if a younger woman wud want and old man !!! X

agree

He took the joke way too far and you were right to call him out on it but it was still a joke just like your joke about being a heater.

He sounds like an insensitive twat but I don’t think he meant it.

Even the younger model thing would give me the ick, and I have a good sense of humour. It's just too much of a shitty thing in society that actually happens.
And this charmer is much older than you! Yuck yuck yuck.
He would dry me up, not the menopause.

First response nailed it.

He sounds delightful! Agree with most of the other posters - the first bit, said in jest in an otherwise good relationship, fine. The second bit is just horrible. I'm not one to overreact but honestly I think that sentence says a whole lot about someone's underlying personality and the way they view you and their relationship. It would make me look at him in a completely different light

Oh he wouldn't cry? I think he'd be very hurt if you retorted, 'What's the point in a woman getting wet, when you can't get it up to perform half the time? It's difficult to feel excited when the situation is' always 'will he, won't he'?

Only presumably you aren't as crass and unpleasant as him.