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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthdays - does no one bother any more?

105 replies

brightyellowflower · 30/04/2024 13:24

Feeling a little upset. It was my 40th birthday last week, and not one of my friends got me a card or a present.

For context, they're wealthier than me and all 4 of them have thrown a party for their 40th's. I have attended all of the parties and taken decent presents beautifully wrapped and obviously a card!

I can't afford to hold a birthday party.

AIBU to think that despite me not having a party, they could have at least bought me a nice card if nothing else? Or do I need to accept that if I want a present, I need to host a party?

They all wished me Happy birthday on social media. Not actually in person.

In total I got 4 cards for my 'big' birthday - one off my husband, one of the kids, one off my brother and one off my uncle. That's it. I know you don't give to receive, but all of their presents were thoughfully bought.

OP posts:
Howareu · 30/04/2024 13:31

Happy 40th Birthday 💐
For my 50th, I didn’t have a party, but i arranged to meet up with my close friends for a meal.
have you seen/spoken to your friends recently? Was your big birthday mentioned at all?

Work2live · 30/04/2024 13:31

I’d be hurt by that!

Have you seen any of them since your birthday? I don’t live really close to my friends so will sometimes give card/gift when I next see them - could that be the case?

I hope you still managed to have a lovely birthday 💐

Original poster
brightyellowflower · 30/04/2024 13:34

I have seen them, and yes speak regularly. Haven't actually seen in person one of them since it was actually her birthday - was sort of waiting for her to ring the day after to say thank you for coming blah blah and then just been super busy, but thought she would pop round with a card . She olnly lives down the raod!

I feel I can't ask but it does feel like they feel I didn't hava party so they don't need to buy acard.

I did have a lovely daywith the kids and husband . Just feel like I'm being taken for a mug :(

OP posts:
Rustycheeks · 30/04/2024 13:38

My 40th was very similar. Very few people who "should" have cared did and I was lucky to get a FB message off some close family members. Like you, this really upset me. It's really painful to realise you mean so little to certain people.

I think now, unless you make it a big deal yourself then other people just won't bother.

I didn't plan much for mine because I feared nobody else cared enough. Now I wish I had just done more to celebrate the milestone with just my husband and appreciating how much he makes up for everyone else's lack of shits to give. I'm considering re-doing my 40th this year.

PenguinLove1 · 30/04/2024 13:39

Why dont you message them and ask first they fancy joining you for a meal/couple of drinks one night to celebrate your birthday? If you havent done anything they may think you didnt want to celebrate.

Some people do only do gifts when there is en event to be honest, i have seen that before, but they may be waiting until they see you?

Pistachiovillian · 30/04/2024 13:45

I had a gathering for mine. Only one close friend came. My partner's friends came, my sibling and my Mum, and a neighbour. That's it. Dad didnt want to come because it 'wasn't his thing'. Three close friends who were due to come cancelled on morning of it. I'd even said I'd pay for their taxi back as they don't have a lot of money, still not good enough. Others cancelled at the last minute.

Oh and one other friend turned up later on because his prior arrangement fell through. So that was nice.

So I'd say yes, people often just don't bother although I feel with your situation OP that they should have, given you'd been generous at yours.

Pistachiovillian · 30/04/2024 13:46

Theirs*.

YouveGotAFastCar · 30/04/2024 13:46

Just feel like I'm being taken for a mug :(

That's interesting. Can you explain why?

You naturally get a present if you host a party - it'd be poor form to turn up empty-handed. I'd think the same if you hosted a small meal/met people at a cafe or restaurant/etc. It's a celebration of your birthday with people, and a prompt for them to get a present.

I can't 100% say I get presents for every friend that I don't see. It's nothing personal, at all. I'd like to remember everyone and I used to be really good at it!

Have you seen them since?

Onetiredbeing · 30/04/2024 13:53

You would bring a gift to a party so I don't see what they did wrong there.
Cars are done and dead, nobody I know sends a card except if there's a gift with it. And I've also just text a few friends for their big birthdays. Unless I'm seeing them for an event I wouldn't think to get them anything. I didn't expect anything for mine.
You can still have a small dinner/ meal out and say it's a bit late as you were busy.

Harara · 30/04/2024 13:58

It’s expensive and quite a lot of work for the host to plan a big party, whereas guests just get to come. Maybe they’re a bit disappointed that after hosting you, you won’t be hosting them? Not saying you should especially if you can’t afford it. But they might equally feel that they haven’t gotten from you what they gave.

isthismylifenow · 30/04/2024 14:00

I have not sent or received a card in years. They are expensive and just get thrown away eventually.

And I also would not expect a gift from a friend. Close family members are a bit different though. In our friendship group we would just toast the birthday person with a drink the next time we get together.

If I was invited to a party I would take something small as they are feeding me so it seems the done thing to do.

CountingCrones · 30/04/2024 14:01

Cards are pretty much dead in the water. I did ask for birthday cards from family this year because I like getting them, but without a specific request almost no one under 75 bothers.

As for a gift - seeing as each gift you gave was in response to a party, not just because you wanted to give them a birthday present, I suppose it’s fair enough that they would bring a gift to an event but not without.

The group of you hadn’t set a precedent of gift giving for the sake of it.

You haven’t been taken for a mug. If you want a birthday celebration, arrange one.

exomoon · 30/04/2024 14:02

That's shit, OP. They should have got you cards and presents.

Don't get them anything for their next birthday.

Even if they have a party, just turn up with a bottle of plonk and a card.

JadeSheep · 30/04/2024 14:02

I'd expect a gift if I threw a party as people don't want to turn up empty handed - but not otherwise.

Happy birthday though

ComtesseDeSpair · 30/04/2024 14:03

I only tend to do cards and presents for my very closest friends or if the birthday person has organised a party or meal out. I’d be buying and sending cards and presents to people most weeks otherwise, which is completely unrealistic. Everyone else just gets a nice text message. Your friends remembered your birthday and sent birthday wishes, so they aren’t completely thoughtless.

Whatever you read on MN, you don’t need to be able to pay hundreds of pounds for everyone’s food and drinks to have a birthday celebration: it’s completely fine just to book a room or a big table in a pub and everyone buys their own, or have something low cost at your house. Why not arrange a belated do?

aggielocke · 30/04/2024 14:04

I think it's ok to mention to your friends that you feel a little hurt at the lack of a card. As long as you go in with the stance of just communicating what you feel rather than attacking them it can only benefit you. Either they take it well and apologise, or they take it badly and you know that they aren't the friend for you.

isthismylifenow · 30/04/2024 14:05

exomoon · 30/04/2024 14:02

That's shit, OP. They should have got you cards and presents.

Don't get them anything for their next birthday.

Even if they have a party, just turn up with a bottle of plonk and a card.

Why should they have?

elevens24 · 30/04/2024 14:07

I've never given my friends a card for their birthday, even my best friend. Neither do they. Too much faff. Within a friendship group think it's up to the birthday person to organise something for their own birthday. We will all chip in and pay for birthday persons meal and drinks.

exomoon · 30/04/2024 14:07

isthismylifenow · 30/04/2024 14:05

Why should they have?

Show quote history

Because it's her 40th and they all received gifts and cards from OP on their 40th.

They're not 5 that they only acknowledge parties, it wouldn't have killed them to send a small gift and card.

GettingStuffed · 30/04/2024 14:07

It was my 60th a few weeks ago and we basically had a weekend long party.

Cue yesterday DH's birthday we had a takeaway. He had presents from me and DGS which I paid for. Only one child out of three sent a card.Next yes is DH's next milestone birthday and he's talking about us ( me and him) going on a nice holiday.

We always send family cards and presents but outside family we don't celebrate at all

HidingUnderTheBleachers · 30/04/2024 14:13

I buy presents for close my close circle of friends whether there’s a party or not. They do the same.

For friends that I’m not as close to, I only buy a gift if they’re having a party. If there’s no party I just send a text to say happy birthday.

None of us send cards.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 30/04/2024 14:14

I'm sorry it was a disappointment OP. Happy birthday 🎂 🎈 🎂

I keep reading on Mumsnet that 'cards are dead'. Meanwhile, my friends, family and work colleagues (we're big on birthdays where I work) give and receive cards.

User000001234 · 30/04/2024 14:14

Happy 40th OP!

I can understand why you feel hurt, I think it would have been nice for them to have sent you a card. Did they text you as wellor only message you on social media?

I probably won't expect a gift unless I was having a party but just being thought of would be nice.

I came off social media a couple about 3 years ago and it's amazing how few people remember it's my birthday when they don't have Facebook reminding them.

All my close friend's birthdays are saved in my calendar and I always send them a card and birthday text, I think only 1 or 2 of them remembers which is quite hurtful.

I know not many bother with cards now but I still think there's something nice about having something 'physical' to open.

I think everyone is so wrapped up in their own lives that these things have fallen by the wayside which is sad.

BiIIIie · 30/04/2024 14:15

Do you normally gift for one another's birthdays? I think when you go to a party the expectation is different. You would turn up with a gift, whereas if you don't normally buy gifts for these people you wouldn't in the absence of a party.

Original poster
brightyellowflower · 30/04/2024 14:15

Harara · 30/04/2024 13:58

It’s expensive and quite a lot of work for the host to plan a big party, whereas guests just get to come. Maybe they’re a bit disappointed that after hosting you, you won’t be hosting them? Not saying you should especially if you can’t afford it. But they might equally feel that they haven’t gotten from you what they gave.

That's an interesting take and yes, fair enough. Although I would say, the last one I went to wasnt great :S Food was basic, bowls of crisps and it was just a normal paid bar. So the £50 odd quid I spent on the present was for my friends, not to pay for my meal if that makes sense.

It's honestly not a present/cost thing as such. It's more the thought. I've always bought thoughtful gifts from Etsy and the like. I haven't just turned up with a cheap bottle of wine and a card from Tesco.

They've given my actual birthday no thought.

OP posts: