Birthdays - does no one bother any more?

[brightyellowflower]

Feeling a little upset. It was my 40th birthday last week, and not one of my friends got me a card or a present.

For context, they're wealthier than me and all 4 of them have thrown a party for their 40th's. I have attended all of the parties and taken decent presents beautifully wrapped and obviously a card!

I can't afford to hold a birthday party.

AIBU to think that despite me not having a party, they could have at least bought me a nice card if nothing else? Or do I need to accept that if I want a present, I need to host a party?

They all wished me Happy birthday on social media. Not actually in person.

In total I got 4 cards for my 'big' birthday - one off my husband, one of the kids, one off my brother and one off my uncle. That's it. I know you don't give to receive, but all of their presents were thoughfully bought.

I confess I only get a card for closest friends and would only get a present if we were at the very least meeting up for drinks. Otherwise I would message them.

But I'm not a person who is really 'into' birthdays- I'm not a total Grinch but it does not really cross my radar.

Happy Birthday and so sorry you were disappointed. I truly don't think you can deduce anything about the quality of your friendships from this though.

For adult birthdays, people will follow your lead. They assume that if you want to celebrate it, you will arrange something. You didn't need to throw a big party, but you could have said "hey all, do you want to go out for dinner to raise a glass for my birthday", or even, "do you want to pop round for birthday cake for my birthday?" From their point of view, you didn't indicate that you wanted to do anything, and some people really don't like their birthdays being celebrated, while others genuinely aren't fussed.

It would never cross my mind to send a card to anyone (but I'm not British), they are things you attach to a present. And it wouldn't occur to me to buy a birthday present for an adult friend - even a very close friend - unless she had arranged a birthday celebration.

I guess what I'm saying is PLEASE don't jump from "they didn't send a card or present" to "they aren't real friends / they don't value my friendship". It's simply that your norms around birthdays and theirs are different. And as this thread is showing, theirs are pretty normal.

My bday was last week too. Similar outcome. Close friend and sibling both messaged 1 to 2 days late. No calls.
So commiserations.

I haven't just turned up with a cheap bottle of wine and a card from Tesco.

But this is what you need to do in future!

I understand why it's upsetting, but its almost certainly not that they don't care. Agree with the suggestion to message them and arrange something, even a walk in the park if the sun's now out where you are, or invite them round for a cup of tea!

I'm a big card and present buyer and have calendar reminders for about 30 birthdays, but only 1 of my friends is similar so I expect to receive far fewer than I send each year. People have very different attitudes to birthdays and gifts. Are they good friends otherwise?

Sorry OP but I'm with your friends. I don't give birthday presents unless I'm coming to a party (and I'd expect the same for my own birthday). I did used to send cards but that has also been falling by the wayside in recent years. It doesn't mean I don't love them though!

Had they not seen it on social media would they have realised it was your birthday? Did you make any plans or mention it at all? People are busy. Unless we've made plans my friendship group don't really bother that much

i have one set of friends who we club together for a big birthday. Another set where we would only buy a gift if we were invited to a party. The first set I don’t send cards, we just text each other. Second set I only send cards to two of the people as they send cards to me, the rest of them is just a text.

I would say I like all the friends pretty much equally! I probably wouldn’t think to buy a present or send a card normally unless they had a party, also some people get funny with big birthdays and don’t want a party or any reminder they are getting older. I would have sent a text though, although a few times I have forgotten, but it’s not because I don’t like them.

I wouldn’t take it to heart, I would if you had a party and they didn’t get you a card or present then though.

Happy 40th sweetie! I’ve had a really similar experience too in the past few months. Met these 2 lovely ladies and we bonded straight away. We spent quite a fair bit of time together and had fun. Anyway, it turned out to be one of the ladies birthdays so I offered to take both of them out to a fancy restaurant (on me as neither could afford it) they both thanked me for the meal, and I also bought her a card and chocolates. We had a lovely night. So, fast forward a month later to my birthday…. Tumbleweed. Nothing. Said happy birthday to me but no card, no chocolates, not so much as a kiss my arse. I’m hurt. Deeply. So that’s when my walls are built very high, very quickly. I am the kindest giving person but as soon as I feel taken advantage off, it gets cut off immediately. No looking back.

Sorry you had to deal with similar. There really are some people out there who are out for themselves. It’s hard to believe when you’re a nice person, you feel everyone is like you ❤️😞

I have a few best friends who I always swap presents with.

The rest, I’d being a present to a party, but wouldn’t do anything otherwise, and same for them.

I actually really don't enjoy celebrating my own birthday, haven't since childhood and I think I tend to take the lead from the other person. I'd bring a present and card to a party but if the birthday person didn't appear to want fuss made I wouldn't do anything. Honestly I'd only expect people you're very close to to remember the date if you don't bring it up or suggest doing something.

Nobody seems to bother anymore with anything. Apparently it's all too much effort to buy, write and post a card on a milestone birthday, too much effort to actually phone and talk in person and far, far too much effort to bother buying a gift with some thought thrown in.

I yearn for my yoof, when people made an effort for their family and friends, when they bothered to make a note of people's birthdays on a diary or calendar and acknowledge them with a card at least, because they wanted their friends and family to feel seen, acknowledged, cherished, valued and loved. Now, everything is just too much fucking effort, and people wonder why depression and loneliness is on the up.

The other thing I've learned on MN is how people have very different norms about gift giving and how much is typical to spend on gifts. I'm thinking of that thread where the OP spent what I thought was a lot of money on personalised gifts for another child that her DD hadn't even known long.

OP it could be that your friends aren't big spenders on gifts in general.

You need SM to remember your friends birthdays?

They obviously don't give a shit OP. Time to knock the thought for their days on the head.

No i mean it's just not a big thing for us.
Sometimes we do stuff sometimes we don't

I feel the same. I got nearly 30 cards for a recent milestone birthday. Choosing a nice card and a present for someone you love is such a pleasure. But DH didn't get cards from his grandchildren on his milestone birthday and only one bothered to ring him (lives the other side of the world).

Or do I need to accept that if I want a present, I need to host a party?
Yeah, sorry. I only get cards and presents for a party. Apart from one old friend. Other than her unless there's a party then birthdays aren't really a thing for me or my friends.

I don't celebrate my own birthday but DH does and he got lots for his 40th because we went out to dinner with a load of people but other than that year it's only family.

In 5 years loads of us will turn 50 and there will provably be a few big parties which is the next time I'll probably buy presents

Although I would say, the last one I went to wasnt great :S Food was basic, bowls of crisps and it was just a normal paid bar.

But you didn't even bother doing this! I wouldn't have sent you a card or a present either but if I'd seem you I might get something if I'd seen something I thought you might like but otherwise it would have been a text.

Why do you mention that they are better off than you?

I've always bought thoughtful gifts from Etsy and the like. I haven't just turned up with a cheap bottle of wine and a card from Tesco

It sounds like you are someone who takes pleasure in selecting the perfect gift and enjoys the recipients response.

But You might be surprised at how many people find gift shopping/giving really stressful and awkward. Did I spend too much/too little? Is this present too personal/silly? So it's not so much that they couldn't be bothered to put in the effort but they fall back on something safe like wine or a gift card.

My take is that you either accept that gifting isn't transactional and you are doing it because it genuinely gives you pleasure, or you adopt a "like-for-like" attitude and only exchange with people who match your effort.

Feeling hurt or resentful when people don't reciprocate cancels out the pleasure of giving a thoughtful gift. If this is a common theme with you then you risk coming off as a bit of a martyr if you continue doing it.

Happy birthday for last week!

Do you typically buy each other birthday presents when there's no birthday party? I took a gift to my friend's 40th birthday party, but I didn't send anything to any of my other friends and they didn't send presents to me.

I don't think this is your friends being thoughtless - I think it's just one of those things where people have different assumptions and expectations.

A lot of people don't send birthday cards now that there's the option to say happy birthday on social media. My brother doesn't send me a birthday card but I always get a message from him - for him, the important thing is that you let someone know you're thinking of them on the birthday, and he doesn't see any difference in texting/messaging/sending a card/saying happy birthday in person.

I can understand why you feel a bit sad, but I think this is just a case of people having a different notion of what's 'the done thing' these days, rather than a case of them not thinking of you. I'm sure they care about you.

It's honestly not a present/cost thing as such. It's more the thought. I've always bought thoughtful gifts from Etsy and the like. I haven't just turned up with a cheap bottle of wine and a card from Tesco.

The thing is, for you, gifts are your 'love language' and you clearly for you, choosing a gift is an expression of affection and therefore important. But not everyone feels like that. Some people don't see gift-giving in the way that you see it. That doesn't mean they don't care about you. It just means that to them, it doesn't come naturally to express that through gifts.

I mentioned earlier that my brother doesn't send me a birthday card. I still always send him one, but that's because I like choosing and sending cards. He does appreciate it - in fact he always comments on how good I am at choosing cards I know he'll really like - but he would absolutely be equally happy with a text and I'm pretty sure that the cards I send go in the bin two days after he's received them. Basically, he and I just express things in a different way, but it's not a case of one of us caring more than the other.

I honestly wouldn't want to receive an Etsy gift.

These are not real friends. Use your 40s to find new decent friends.

I have to admit i gave up on cards gifts etc for friends birthdays many years ago , i mean we were friends since teens by thirties- we had all done every gift ever and coming up with something new was just too much effort, ,same for xmas etc just stopped will call or send message, on the day, but if they have a party or special event then i make a bigger effort with the gift card etc as i haven't given them a gift in years.

pretty sure that the cards I send go in the bin two days after he's received them

Sounds like me😂. I just don't care about receiving a card and sometimes toss them out right after I open them. It's one of those "traditions" that I'm glad seems to be dying out.

But again, if it brings you pleasure to select the "perfect" card then by all means do it! But if you're going to be sitting there on your birthday marinating in hurt and resentment because people don't reciprocate, then time to rethink things.