Birthdays - does no one bother any more?

[brightyellowflower]

Feeling a little upset. It was my 40th birthday last week, and not one of my friends got me a card or a present.

For context, they're wealthier than me and all 4 of them have thrown a party for their 40th's. I have attended all of the parties and taken decent presents beautifully wrapped and obviously a card!

I can't afford to hold a birthday party.

AIBU to think that despite me not having a party, they could have at least bought me a nice card if nothing else? Or do I need to accept that if I want a present, I need to host a party?

They all wished me Happy birthday on social media. Not actually in person.

In total I got 4 cards for my 'big' birthday - one off my husband, one of the kids, one off my brother and one off my uncle. That's it. I know you don't give to receive, but all of their presents were thoughfully bought.

I would text them the truth. Say I'm feeling a bit deflated because I didn't celebrate my 40th. Can we please go out for a dinner or something so I can feel like I celebrated it. I know it's a bit late. I'm sure they will get you something if you celebrate your 40th with them! Xx

I know! This all day long! Cards are not dead in my world. I love getting cards and send them for birthdays, Christmas, new baby, sympathy- lots of occasions. (mainly to family but to good friends too)
I also ring friends and talk
in the actual phone so I must be totally last century and thank God for that.
Sorry Op, that does sound disappointing. Happy 40th!

I probably wouldn’t buy a gift unless they were having a dinner/drinks/got together/party, to be honest. I would tend to send a card though

I must be living in a different world. All my friends and family still send birthday cards and gifts for those we are closest to.

If someone had bought me a birthday gift I'd be buying them one back on their birthday, regardless of whether they had a party or not

I haven't had a birthday card from a friend for years, which is sad in a way. I tend to only get something from my husband, my parents, and sometimes my brother. No one else has bothered to acknowledge it (beyond a message on social media) in years and years.

Happy birthday!

I'm part of a large social group. Every time someone has a birthday, they arrange a meal out somewhere stating its to celebrate their birthday. We all turn up with cards and pressies.

Could you not do that with your friends?

Tbh, apart from MN, I'm not on social media so have no clue when it's a birthday but we all rely on each other to shout out and invite us to eat somewhere (we all pay for ourselves btw).

Why not have birthday drinks?

It sounds like you've been very generous in gift giving to these friends. I have one very wealthy friend, and I used to give her and her kids little gifts, share my baking etc with them. Never so much as a wine gum in exchange. These people are multimillionaires and I'm broke, lol.
I think cards are a bit passe at this point amount anyone other than close family or older people. Unless you are meeting face to face on the day. The mail is so expensive and unreliable now, and people worry about wasting cardboard/ paper or whatever.
I'd say just make sure you do the same level with their birthdays. If they invite you just bring one small thing out of politeness.
Could you invite them out for drinks, in a go Dutch type situation? It could be once you get them out they might be more generous. But rich people stay rich for a reason, lol.

What made you stop giving to these tight friends in the end?

I think if you want cards/presents/attention on your birthday it's best to arrange something. Doesn't have to be a party - could just be a lunch or whatever.
Your friends might have assumed you were happy just doing something quiet with your family and thought that a social media post was enough.
Can see why you're disappointed tho. Happy birthday!

🌺🎂🍾 Happy Birthday. Sorry your friends have been remiss. Social media eh.

@exomoon I guess I subconsciously realised I was maybe trying to impress them, while they certainly didn't need to impress anyone. And neither did I for that matter.
I'm still friends with them but just knew gifting can end in tears so to speak!

Had this with my 40th but it was my family from whom I didn't get anything. Nothing. Not my parents or any of my brothers. And if anyone tries to excuse my brothers I would like to point out that one of them has his birthday 2 days before mine. So not like he's not going to remember!

I did find out about 3 months later that my parent had in fact sent a card (but no present) but it was delivered to the neighbours by mistake and they simply dropped it into their recycling bin. I found it there, stuck to the bottom of the bin, when I was looking after their cat when they were away. Not like they didn't know who I was!!!

OMG! I hope this means no presents for ANY of them ever again? Did your brother accept a gift from you knowing he would have nothing for you, the twat?

And also no more cat sitting for your neighbours?

Glad you have stopped!

I think that’s normal. I would only maybe “expect” a card or, even less, a present if I held some sort of party/ dinner/ going out thing. If I did nothing, I wouldn’t expect any cards, or definitely not presents, from friends. Only from my direct family.

So my friends and I don't really exchange gifts at birthdays, no. We're all adults, we have everything we need so don't really need the world cluttering up with more stuff.

Did everyone buy gifts at the 40th you attended? It can be a bit awkward if someone keeps buying gifts and wanted them reciprocated, if everyone isn't really doing gifts.

Nobody seems to bother anymore with anything. Apparently it's all too much effort to buy, write and post a card on a milestone birthday, too much effort to actually phone and talk in person and far, far too much effort to bother buying a gift with some thought thrown in.

What do you buy people though

As a child i remember people being poorer. Nice "smellies" or chocolates, wine etc, these were things genuinely appreciated that people didn't often have unless received as a gift. Nowadays everyone i know seems to have everything already, lots of people are very careful about their diet so chocolates or alcohol are not appreciated. People don't want a physical book or CD, everything is digital.

I've given plants a few times. But to be honest my friends and i are trying to consume less stuff, not more. We give each other our time and that's worth more.

It's the lack of thought that would upset me.

I finally ended a friendship because of the lack of thought and excuses why she couldn't even be arsed to try and celebrate a birthday with me.

Birthdays are a big deal to me. Both mine and friends and it doesn't need to be cards or presents. I just want some of my friends time

I don't think those friends are that into you, OP.

Perhaps take a step back from them, and find other people who do value you.

Do you send birthday cards to your friends?

I agree with this. I think a lot of the traditional etiquette around gift giving doesn't translate to modern times. There's too much tat and less opportunity to give thoughtful gifts.

Happy 40th to you. I’d have been a little hurt by this too. I recently turned 50, was dreading is because I didn’t want a party and thought no one would bother but I’ve had afternoon tea, a boozy bottomless brunch, family meal on my actual birthday plus other catch ups. I also had gifts and cards which I didn’t expect.

Happy birthday! Just my humble opinion and I'm older than you, but I really can't be arsed with fuss personally, so just a card and a small gathering with my kids would do for me. I had the opposite problem on my 40th and was forced to go to a surprise gathering which turned out ok but I absolutely hate stuff like that. I also severely dislike parties now I'm older. And I think birthday presents should just be for kids after the18th. I'll probably get slated for this but it's truly how I feel.
I always make an effort for my family though.