Birthdays - does no one bother any more?

[brightyellowflower]

Feeling a little upset. It was my 40th birthday last week, and not one of my friends got me a card or a present.

For context, they're wealthier than me and all 4 of them have thrown a party for their 40th's. I have attended all of the parties and taken decent presents beautifully wrapped and obviously a card!

I can't afford to hold a birthday party.

AIBU to think that despite me not having a party, they could have at least bought me a nice card if nothing else? Or do I need to accept that if I want a present, I need to host a party?

They all wished me Happy birthday on social media. Not actually in person.

In total I got 4 cards for my 'big' birthday - one off my husband, one of the kids, one off my brother and one off my uncle. That's it. I know you don't give to receive, but all of their presents were thoughfully bought.

For my 40th rather than a party as such I met friends for drinks in the pub. Low-key drinks, but most of those who came brought a card and a bunch of flowers or small present. I only have a couple of friends who would send a card if we weren't meeting, or do a small gift next time we meet. Generally these things seem to go hand in hand with a specific meet up, but doesn't have to be a party.

For my 40th I got some text messages, but the only cards were from Mum, DH and one friend. Tbh I never send cards to anyone except Mum, DH and DC unless there's a party (similarly I'd rarely send anything for a wedding unless I actually went to it).

I’m glad your 50th was nice, but how is this a helpful reply to someone feeling upset that her birthday wasn’t what she wanted? ‘Sorry yours was crap, mine was great’? Why do people do this?

Why didn't you plan a meet up even if only for drinks and a catch up? Honestly I've only ever bought people a present/card if going to a gathering of whatever kind.

Thank you for all the birthday wishes - actually really cheered me up!

I think tbh I probably do need to find better friends. I do take great pleasure in giving, it's honestly the thought that counts. One of my closest friends is actually a lady in her 70's and she did come round and gave me a beautiful handbag beautifully wrapped and a lovely card. I loved the bag, she clearly bought it for me with me in mind.

Maybe as people have suggested I need to even just meet in the pub for 'birthday' drinks.

It just feels a shame for a milestone birthday. I was brought up to acknowledge those especially. I remember my Mum getting over 40 cards for her 40th. Feels pathetic to have received 5.

It doesn't matter if they are "wealthier", what an odd thing to add!
My friends either organise their own party/meal/drinks/walk or we agree just a text is fine. Maybe flowers or a small present for a big one.

No one is going to throw a massive party out of pure love for you unless you have a serious issue (cancer/homeless/someone murdered your whole family this year) and they think you need massive rallying around. Most people past 30 just get on with it OP and celebrate their kids parties.

I fell out with a friend a couple of years because I didn't go to her party (she hadn't actually even invited me!) - she actually called me the C word!
Please don't be one of those people, not at 40, it's just embarrassing.

Happy birthday !

No it's not an odd thing to add, because I've spent on average between £40-£60 on their presents each. Not a cheap bottle of wine and an afterthought box of chocolates. That's quite a lot of money for me. For them, not in the slighgest so you would think even rustling £20 up wouldn't be difficult. This is why I've said it's not the money so much, it's the complete lack of thought.

I actualy did nearly die last year and didn't receive cards off any of them.

I wonder if they may have misinterpreted your not having a party as that you didn't want a birthday fuss at all? I can't bear to be reminded of my birthday, and especially of any age-milestones, and would be very upset if others did give me birthday wishes and presents. I am doubtless unusual in feeling that way even with regard to family, but there are certainly people who wish their milestone birthdays to be private, family-only occasions. Perhaps your friends thought that you were in this category, and were, as they thought, taking the lead from you, If your friends are in general stingy or selfish or indifferent toward you, then it's very hurtful of them; but if it's just the birthday, it may be a one-off misunderstanding.

OK, but you must see it's your choice to spend that on them? Gifts are just that.

I have friends who get twitchy if you give them stuff. They don't want expensive gifts - they obviously say thanks or whatever but it sets a precedent with expectations, as you have said. I don't want that to be any issue in my friendships. Some people love spending £5 on a card and something showy to give, but it's not for us.

Maybe just go to their level and take the stress off? Or find new friends if you are very offended. Your call.

Edit to add sorry you nearly died - I also had that a few months ago. What kind of card were you expecting with that? I hadn't even considered that and I live alone! I've not been into Clintons for years though so they probably do do a "sorry you nearly died" card now.

I only get cards from immediate family, and one from an old friend. The same old friend is the only friend I ever send a birthday card to - cards just aren't a thing for most people now. I'd only give a present at a party, I don't remember when I last gave a present to a friend, or a friend gave me one. For me, exchanging presents with non-family is something you do at children's parties and that's about it.

I'd be hurt too.Happy birthday. I think people are cutting back though in general to be honest.

It's funny to hear Brits throw a party for themselves - it's not a done thing here (Canada). people would be a bit horrified!

Your friends should have reached out to you for your birthday, OP, I'm sorry that they neglected you. Spoil yourself with a new purchase that you would like for yourself, and let it go.

Cards aren't dead, they just mean they can't be bothered personally.

Cards are cheap you can get five for a pound now in the discount card shops.
It's nice to open a card that someone's chosen for you.
Texts aren't the same.

Happy big birthday. Hope you had a lovely day.

My 50th was similar, bit flat and spent alone. So I treated myself to coffee and far too much cake. Lol x

Are you maybe not from the uk? Culturally here when attending a birthday party it’s the norm to take a present. It would be perceived as very poor form to turn up without one. Maybe think of kids when your kids attend a birthday party, but they’d not buy all their class presents otherwise?

so if not hosting unless very close it is not so common just ti send Adults birthday presents. Its lovely they wished you happy birthday and remembered.

im sorry you don’t have much money, and want presents in return as you feel you spent on them, you sound bitter about it.and thats a shame. Maybe next time dont go to their parties so you do not feel the need to buy a gift and don’t feel so upset when you don’t get sent stuff in return?

They did reach out they sent her happy birthday wishes.

They send a message over social media. It's hardly reaching out.

This would be a success as far as I'm concerned. I don't wish people to know how old I am (I pass for 10 years younger), and I CBA with presents that need attention (plants flowers) or need shipping to the charity shop, I don't drink much etc.

I think the reliance on social media. It's all so fake. No one wants to take the bloody effort to think about their friend and what might make them smile.

I've just bought a lovely thank you card for my friend who wish me happy birthday sincerely - the card has given me joy to choose and I know she'll think it's lovely (older, definitely not of the social media generation)

It just seems a bit shit and a bit fake to only buy a card and/or a present for someone if you're attending a party!

But you have alll made me realise why my daughter also got zero presents or cards off her friends for her birthday - because we didn't do a party. She was quite upset saying things like 'i got x this for her birthday, she hasn't even said Happy birthday to me'

And for when I nearly died....no need to be sarcastic! Just a 'Get Well Soon' or 'Thinking of You' card would have been lovely.

OP I'm sorry that you and your DD didn't get the response on your birthdays that you wanted.

Going forward I'd be looking at what messages you are giving out about your birthdays and what you expect from them. By not making a fuss that signals to others not to make a fuss either. It doesn't need to be an expensive party but you have to give some sign that you'd like to celebrate a birthday as rightly or wrongly people these days don't do it automatically.

If you want to do something, you arrange it and invite whomever you would like to be there. It's easy and far easier for the person who wants a bit of a fuss to do than anyone else. We are not kids who need a lollipop when we go to the dentist.

It sounds quite odious though, at what point do you stop giving cards to each other, thank you for thinking of me, thank you for thanking me for thinking of you ad nauseum. Cards are expensive, unless you want to give the shitty 12 in a £1 box which do always go straight in the bin.

You can make yourself a victim out of this or you can actually tell people what you would like them to do or, better still, put some effort in yourself. People don't owe you presents and a party because you choose to spend half an hour picking out a card for them. People are not mind readers and people would rather spend time with someone than get something they didn't ask for. Do things with people and stop making it all about one upping people on "care" via gifts.

You bought someone a thank you card for wishing you happy birthday?

How old is your daughter that didn’t get gifts on her birthday from friends?

This has to be a wind up...a thank you card for wishing someone happy birthday?