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AIBU?

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Original poster

To Tell My BF I'm Upset He Didn't Text Me

118 replies

LilacCatt · 30/04/2024 00:24

Hi,

I've had some performance problems at work lately. It has been causing me some stress.

On Friday at the end of the day, I had a performance review with my manager. It didn't go very well. I'd like to add I don't feel fully responsible for my performance review. Some of the things I'm being reprimanded for I haven't even been trained on, ever. So I was therefore unaware I had done something wrong. My manager knows this, but will not admit it. I think that's what upset me the most, because it feels so unfair. So yeah, I started crying at the end of my review.

I told my BF this.

We have been together 2 years. One time about a year ago I was upset about a (admittedly sorta minor) health appointment and said I'd like a call because of how I felt about it and he just texted me saying he was a bit tired and goodnight. I explained the following week that this really made me feel uncared for. He said he didn't realise.

Fast forward to Friday, I tell him what happened at work. He gives me a hug, etc. However, on Monday he didn't text me until 3pm asking how the day went, and said he didn't feel too good (he works from home). The day was not nice, I had people coming up to me saying "I thought you were gone on Friday!" etc etc, and my manager is barely making eye contact with me.

I replied at 3:30pm saying it was a bit of a stressy day but that I was just trying to plod on, and that I hope he felt okay.

He then didn't text me until nearly 10pm, after watching a film

AIBU to feel uncared for? And to make this known?

I know he doesn't feel well today but.... I kinda already knew he wouldn't text me. All I wanted was a message "thinking of you today, hope you manage okay" or something.

Am I being needy?!

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 30/04/2024 00:29

He said he isn't feeling well, why don't you contact him and ask him how he is? Its more likely to become a habit for both of you if you just start doing it, instead of being upset he hasn't thought of it.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 30/04/2024 00:32

Gently I think yes, you are a bit

He doesn't have to be available 24/7 for you. Some people find calls draining, especially if they are going to be really just listening to one person off-load

And he text you at the end of the day to check in. You replied in a way that minimised the issue to essentially "ye it was fine really". Is he usually a speedy replier or is it common for long gaps?

It sounds like you need to set expectations between you about levels of communication

BiIIIie · 30/04/2024 00:59

My DH would be so much more caring than this. He would have text me by 10am asking how work was if he knew there had been issues. He would have called me if I was upset about an appointment.

Rubyrubyrubyrubee · 30/04/2024 01:01

YABU

Original poster
LilacCatt · 30/04/2024 01:08

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 30/04/2024 00:32

Gently I think yes, you are a bit

He doesn't have to be available 24/7 for you. Some people find calls draining, especially if they are going to be really just listening to one person off-load

And he text you at the end of the day to check in. You replied in a way that minimised the issue to essentially "ye it was fine really". Is he usually a speedy replier or is it common for long gaps?

It sounds like you need to set expectations between you about levels of communication

We don't text loads/speedily. I'm not bothered about texting constantly.

I just felt absolute dread going into work Monday morning after what had happened. It just would've been nice to have a text as a gesture of care and support from him I would have texted him the same, even if I did feel a little bit ill (he was well enough to work and to watch a film).

I didn't know he was ill until 3pm

OP posts:
Original poster
LilacCatt · 30/04/2024 01:11

Thelnebriati · 30/04/2024 00:29

He said he isn't feeling well, why don't you contact him and ask him how he is? Its more likely to become a habit for both of you if you just start doing it, instead of being upset he hasn't thought of it.

I didn't know he wasn't well until 3pm when he texted me. He was still well enough to work and to watch a film.

I text him plenty

It's not about a habit

It's about this one occasion with what was going on with work. I felt very 'left to my own devices'. Unsupported.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/04/2024 01:20

I think you should reevaluate this relationship.

Original poster
LilacCatt · 30/04/2024 01:26

Aquamarine1029 · 30/04/2024 01:20

I think you should reevaluate this relationship.

Can I ask you further thoughts please?

I have really bad PMT right now too and it makes it difficult for me to judge my own emotions, what's rational and what isn't

OP posts:
Ladyj84 · 30/04/2024 01:28

Wouldn't expect my other half to constantly feel he has to text me about stuff or make an issue but that's just us

Original poster
LilacCatt · 30/04/2024 01:30

Ladyj84 · 30/04/2024 01:28

Wouldn't expect my other half to constantly feel he has to text me about stuff or make an issue but that's just us

I don't expect him to text me constantly

OP posts:
Original poster
LilacCatt · 30/04/2024 01:30

It was my first day back after crying at work on Friday

OP posts:
MonsteraMama · 30/04/2024 01:38

Did he know you were dreading it on Monday? My husband probably would've text me but he has the benefit of having had 18 years to get to know me and he'd know that I'd be an anxious wreck.

How old is he? This could just be a touch of emotional immaturity - the whole "it wouldn't bother me so I doesn't occur to me that she might be bothered" thing.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 30/04/2024 01:39

He WFH and do you know he definitely did work?

Sticking a film on and half sleeping through it when ill isn't the same as texting, especially when there's likely to have to be some emotional cost to the text, needing to invest a little because he knows it'll have been a bad day for you

Original poster
LilacCatt · 30/04/2024 01:42

MonsteraMama · 30/04/2024 01:38

Did he know you were dreading it on Monday? My husband probably would've text me but he has the benefit of having had 18 years to get to know me and he'd know that I'd be an anxious wreck.

How old is he? This could just be a touch of emotional immaturity - the whole "it wouldn't bother me so I doesn't occur to me that she might be bothered" thing.

He's 44....

OP posts:
Original poster
LilacCatt · 30/04/2024 01:43

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 30/04/2024 01:39

He WFH and do you know he definitely did work?

Sticking a film on and half sleeping through it when ill isn't the same as texting, especially when there's likely to have to be some emotional cost to the text, needing to invest a little because he knows it'll have been a bad day for you

He definitely worked

OP posts:
Original poster
LilacCatt · 30/04/2024 01:45

MonsteraMama · 30/04/2024 01:38

Did he know you were dreading it on Monday? My husband probably would've text me but he has the benefit of having had 18 years to get to know me and he'd know that I'd be an anxious wreck.

How old is he? This could just be a touch of emotional immaturity - the whole "it wouldn't bother me so I doesn't occur to me that she might be bothered" thing.

I told him on Friday 5pm that I'd just been crying at work and why

OP posts:
MonsteraMama · 30/04/2024 01:46

LilacCatt · 30/04/2024 01:42

He's 44....

Show quote history

Oh dear, I thought you were going to say early-mid 20's. Far less likely to gain any emotional intelligence at his age.

PrincessFionaCharming · 30/04/2024 01:54

He’s just not that into you.

Its not meant to be hard or complicated.

If he was into you he’d be blowing up your phone.

throw him back.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/04/2024 02:00

LilacCatt · 30/04/2024 01:26

Can I ask you further thoughts please?

I have really bad PMT right now too and it makes it difficult for me to judge my own emotions, what's rational and what isn't

Show quote history

He doesn't seem bothered, op. He's not invested in you. I think you know this, and after reading your updates I definitely know it. Stop wasting your time. He is not ever going to give you what you need.

Original poster
LilacCatt · 30/04/2024 02:01

PrincessFionaCharming · 30/04/2024 01:54

He’s just not that into you.

Its not meant to be hard or complicated.

If he was into you he’d be blowing up your phone.

throw him back.

I feel very confused.

I broke up with him once about a year ago because of something similar.

He practically borderline harassed me to get back with him. Said I'm the only person for him, said he'll never get over me, said I'm the one he wants to spend his life with.

Annoying, I love him. He makes me laugh like no one else. I have so much fun with him.... I missed him so much. So I said okay and got back with him.

Now here we are.

It's just that when this sort of thing happens, it makes me feel really alone and like he doesn't care. Like he just wants me there for the good bits.

I really don't know what to make of it all.

OP posts:
DrJoanAllenby · 30/04/2024 02:13

You are being very needy.

Wanting constant reassurance will drive him away.

DrJoanAllenby · 30/04/2024 02:20

You're crying at work which is completely in professions and behaving in a whining manner to your boyfriend

Now would be a good time to focus in strengthening your emotions otherwise work and your boyfriend are soon going to thing you are histrionic, attention seeking and flakey.

You need to work on your emotional resilience.

'Emotional resilience is the ability to adapt to stressful situations, and cope with life’s ups and downs.'

'Resilience does not eliminate stress or erase life’s difficulties, but allows you to tackle or accept problems, live through adversity and move on with life.'

www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/design-your-path/201305/10-traits-emotionally-resilient-people

Books -

Herald, M (2013) Stepping Stones to Emotional Resilience. A Guide to Embracing your Inner Strength The Resilient Living Collection
Joseph, S (2011) What Doesn’t Kill Us. A guide to overcoming adversity and moving forward London: Piaktus
Robertson, D (2012) Build Your Resilience: Teach Yourself to Survive and Thrive in Any Situation Teach Yourself
Webb, L (2013) How to Cope When Everything Around You Keeps Changing West Sussex: Capstone Publishing Ltd

RawBloomers · 30/04/2024 02:28

LilacCatt · 30/04/2024 02:01

I feel very confused.

I broke up with him once about a year ago because of something similar.

He practically borderline harassed me to get back with him. Said I'm the only person for him, said he'll never get over me, said I'm the one he wants to spend his life with.

Annoying, I love him. He makes me laugh like no one else. I have so much fun with him.... I missed him so much. So I said okay and got back with him.

Now here we are.

It's just that when this sort of thing happens, it makes me feel really alone and like he doesn't care. Like he just wants me there for the good bits.

I really don't know what to make of it all.

Show quote history

It doesn’t sound like he gives you what you need. I don’t think you can “train” someone to care about you in the way you want to be cared for. You need to find someone who thinks that way and communicates that way. It’s hard to tell from one incident (or even two if you could the previous one) what he’s like as a whole. But from what you’ve posted here, it sounds like, from your perspective, when it matters he just isn’t there.

So I think YWBU to text him telling him you’re upset he didn’t text. There’s not much point in it. He isn’t going to change because you tell him this. You need to decide whether you’re prepared to be with someone who doesn’t give you the support you need at the points in life when you need it - does the rest of it make up for this?

Josette77 · 30/04/2024 02:34

I'm pretty independent in a "child of neglect and put into care" kind of way. 😉 I hate asking for help. Hate it!

But when I know I'm struggling and actually want help I make it known. I would have been texting my partner before work letting him know I was a mess. I've learned the best way to get what you want is to ask for it.

If you don't get it, you go from there. But if you don't give that person a chance, you're robbing yourself.

viques · 30/04/2024 02:34

He isn’t psychic and he isn’t picking up the signals you are sending out about your need for support so you need to send stronger signals, ie tell him what you need him to do “ I am really worried about going back to work today, I would really appreciate a text from you in the morning to give me a bit of a boost”.