To Tell My BF I'm Upset He Didn't Text Me

[LilacCatt]

Hi,

I've had some performance problems at work lately. It has been causing me some stress.

On Friday at the end of the day, I had a performance review with my manager. It didn't go very well. I'd like to add I don't feel fully responsible for my performance review. Some of the things I'm being reprimanded for I haven't even been trained on, ever. So I was therefore unaware I had done something wrong. My manager knows this, but will not admit it. I think that's what upset me the most, because it feels so unfair. So yeah, I started crying at the end of my review.

I told my BF this.

We have been together 2 years. One time about a year ago I was upset about a (admittedly sorta minor) health appointment and said I'd like a call because of how I felt about it and he just texted me saying he was a bit tired and goodnight. I explained the following week that this really made me feel uncared for. He said he didn't realise.

Fast forward to Friday, I tell him what happened at work. He gives me a hug, etc. However, on Monday he didn't text me until 3pm asking how the day went, and said he didn't feel too good (he works from home). The day was not nice, I had people coming up to me saying "I thought you were gone on Friday!" etc etc, and my manager is barely making eye contact with me.

I replied at 3:30pm saying it was a bit of a stressy day but that I was just trying to plod on, and that I hope he felt okay.

He then didn't text me until nearly 10pm, after watching a film

AIBU to feel uncared for? And to make this known?

I know he doesn't feel well today but.... I kinda already knew he wouldn't text me. All I wanted was a message "thinking of you today, hope you manage okay" or something.

Am I being needy?!

Sorry I am with this poster. He wasn't ill - just couldn't be arsed. Not someone I would want in my corner or near me.

Far too many narcissists walk among us. (Him, not you.) He 'hoovered' you back (it's a term). Suggest you look up traits of narcissistic behaviour and see how much else fits.
He can tell you that you're so important to him when he doesn't want to lose you, but look at his actions when you need support. This has made you unhappy for good reason.

I am so sorry, but no, not a genuine anything.

I haven’t RT whole FT but you don’t sound needy, you sound like someone in a relationship who hopes for a little more care and attention than fuck all.

YANBU.

I'll never get this messaging stress. In fact If I get messaged too much it gives me the Ick

Sorry not helpful

Yes, you're being needy, but some people are and some people just are not.

He's not a mind reader either and I'm not sure how many messages you need to exchange in a day these days. When DH and I got together we would send a message every evening (LDR) and it could be 1 message or 5 but that would be it.

Wow. This is a bit harsh! She's already said she's due on, which makes it 10 times harder to control emotions. Trust me I've tried. Crying is a perfectly normal emotional release, and I wouldn't want to work anywhere that didn't understand this.

Plus why can't she tell her partner what she needs emotionally? Many men need telling and showing. They don't always realise what we need.

If he's not responding, then that shows a lack of willing/care, but she needs to address it first, cus he could just be oblivious

Yes this

"You're crying at work which is completely in professions and behaving in a whining manner to your boyfriend*

Now would be a good time to focus in strengthening your emotions otherwise work and your boyfriend are soon going to thing you are histrionic, attention seeking and flakey

Wow. Internalised misogyny much!!!

You sound delightful

If youre someone who needs reassurance in this form better to drive away men who can't or won't provide it

My boyf is a similar age to yours and I have similar issues.
If I’ve got something coming up that I’m worried about, I think it’s nice to get a text to say something like “I hope it goes ok today”. A couple of my close friends do but I would like it from my partner too. I did get that from a previous partner which I think makes it more difficult (but I chose to split up with him for other reasons).
I think quite a few of the replies on here are extreme re both your behaviour and his (although that always seems to be the case!). I think it comes down to needing to communicate your expectations but also managing your own expectations.
I don’t have a solution as in the middle of it myself but I just wanted to empathise with you. Who doesn’t want a thoughtful partner?!?

If he begged for you to get back together after you’d split up, you’d expect him to put a bit more effort in.

I can only compare it to when I’ve had a rubbish day at work (maybe just frustrating or too busy) as I haven’t had a properly shit day like yours.

i think with my husband it would be a mix. Sometimes he might say goodbye in the morning and add, “hope it’s better today!” Other times I’ll be asleep so might get the same by text at 08:00. But there would be time when - like your boyfriend here - I got a text much later with a more retrospective, “hope it’s worked out better for you today”.

The thing is, whatever version I get, it comes from a backdrop of 100% feeling loved and supported by him. I might not wake him to say, “I feel shit about going in today” - but I know I could. I know that whether I get the text at 08:00 or 15:00, it’s from genuine care, not some kind of duty. Which means it doesn’t to me when I get a message. Or even if. He could forget (occasionally!) and I wouldn’t feel any less loved overall.

So I would step back from this specific incident and look at the overall relationship. In my experience, if you’ve dumped someone once, it’s rarely the right relationship afterall.

I think this is just about people all being different.

If I had a shit day on Friday, I wouldn’t want anyone texting me about it on Monday. Wouldn’t want them checking in and seeing how I feel about going in etc. it would just draw attention to it for me. I would be really pissed off at colleagues that kept bringing it up.

He text and asked how your day was. You text him back said you hope he was ok.

So you both text eachother seeing how eachother was. With him texting first. Then neither texted eachother again until later that night. Again, him texting first. But he is uncaring for not checking in again earlier, knowing it was a difficult day for you. But it’s fine that you didn’t check in again, knowing he was ill?

Because these sorts of men only ever go for much younger women.

If you’ve been having performance problems at work, then the last thing you should be doing is going on your phone and texting your bf.

If you wanted to speak to him then you could have messaged him at lunch time and spoken to him about it.

He did text you, just not as early as you had hoped.

If he wasn’t feeling well then it’s normal to cuddle up and watch a film, instead of going on your phone.

I understand how you feel but I don’t think this was personal.

I completely agree.

You’d be too needy for me and I think you risk causing a situation where he’s tiptoeing around you trying to guess the level of care you need. He really did try this time but instead of texting in the morning he texted in the afternoon to check how it went. Not exactly the crime of the century. I wouldn’t know when the correct time to text is either but towards the end of the day would make sense to me too as that’s when you’d be able to give an update.

You can’t expect one person to fill every gap in your life, if he’s funny, loves you, interesting, generous or whatever maybe that’s enough and you can leave sending caring messages to a parent or a friend of something.

Crying at work does not mean someone needs more emotional resilience. Crying is a natural processing of emotions, and in times of stress, happens. To suggest this person is unprofessional for having emotions is completely wrong. You may not like tears, but tears are normal.

Stop trying to shift the blame here.

OP has a right to their feelings, and having someone who supposedly loves them not show they care is a reasonable response.

I've had a difficult time at work recently and my friend messaged to check in. It doesn't take much to send a quick text to let someone know you're thinking of them. If a partner isn't capable of that, it's them that has issues with supporting the person their claim to love.

OP. Your resilience isn't an issue for having emotions. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise. Resilience doesn't mean never getting upset. It's about how you bounce back after difficulties.

I don’t understand why people are being so hard on you OP.

Id text a friend if I’d known they had a bad performance review in the morning to say hope their day goes ok etc. it’s nice to know someone has your back. A bf could potentially be a life long partner and checking on you / being supportive for key reasons I’d say should be part of a healthy relationship. You’ve given two instances in the past two years so it doesn’t come across as you’re being high maintenance.

Goodness that sounds horrendous. Does your boyfriend know how serious things are for you at work? That you're at risk of losing your job? If not then please tell him. You're not being clingy at all but if he doesn't know then he may just think 'as per' and not give you the support that you actually need.

Do you think you can hang on and just 'tune out' or would it be better to look for another job, even temp work, until you can get your exam out of the way. I suspect, from what you've said, that your 'performance issues' are due to the company wanting to get rid of staff in the cheapest way possible. It's grotesque the way some employers treat their staff.

What do you need to do, whom do you need help/support from and how can you get there?

I think the best thing is to trust your gut. If you feel uncared for then that’s valid. Maybe that’s how he does relationships but it’s not what you are looking for. Can you talk to him and explain how you feel? If he doesn’t take it onboard then you need to decide whether you are happy or would be better looking for someone more on your wavelength. It’s not that he’s necessarily doing anything wrong. It’s more that he’s not making you happy and you deserve that.

You sound like a high maintenance pain in the bum. He doesn’t want to talk to you about it because he can do without the neediness. I’m assuming you’re quite young and still need a lot of validation.

on another note, if you know there’s something you have to do that you’ve not been trained in, why aren’t you insisting on training? Don’t be passive in your own life.

I also echo what some other people have said about him sounding like a narcissist. By saying he was ill he flipped the situation to make it about him. And like you say he still managed to do other things that day so wasn’t too ill to message. Your work situation sounds awful and I’m sure if you had a choice to leave you would. You said you were studying for a better career so it sounds like you have a plan. Hopefully you have other good people in your life who you can draw support from to help you through this difficult period. Things will get better.

I'm with some of the other posters that don't see what he's done wrong. He text asking how your day went..I think that shows he was thinking of you. That's all I'd expect from my DH. But to be honest I'd be happy with him asking me about it when I got back home too. Would you really want to be texting at work when you are being told of fir performance issues. I don't generally text when I'm at work.