To Tell My BF I'm Upset He Didn't Text Me

[LilacCatt]

Hi,

I've had some performance problems at work lately. It has been causing me some stress.

On Friday at the end of the day, I had a performance review with my manager. It didn't go very well. I'd like to add I don't feel fully responsible for my performance review. Some of the things I'm being reprimanded for I haven't even been trained on, ever. So I was therefore unaware I had done something wrong. My manager knows this, but will not admit it. I think that's what upset me the most, because it feels so unfair. So yeah, I started crying at the end of my review.

I told my BF this.

We have been together 2 years. One time about a year ago I was upset about a (admittedly sorta minor) health appointment and said I'd like a call because of how I felt about it and he just texted me saying he was a bit tired and goodnight. I explained the following week that this really made me feel uncared for. He said he didn't realise.

Fast forward to Friday, I tell him what happened at work. He gives me a hug, etc. However, on Monday he didn't text me until 3pm asking how the day went, and said he didn't feel too good (he works from home). The day was not nice, I had people coming up to me saying "I thought you were gone on Friday!" etc etc, and my manager is barely making eye contact with me.

I replied at 3:30pm saying it was a bit of a stressy day but that I was just trying to plod on, and that I hope he felt okay.

He then didn't text me until nearly 10pm, after watching a film

AIBU to feel uncared for? And to make this known?

I know he doesn't feel well today but.... I kinda already knew he wouldn't text me. All I wanted was a message "thinking of you today, hope you manage okay" or something.

Am I being needy?!

I think this.
If I need support from my husband, often times I ask for it. He has a busy job, we have two kids plus hobbies etc so tbh I don't expect him to always know or remember when I might need something from him. I don't think it's fair to expect a 44 year old man to read your mind. Just because you told him you cried at work on Friday doesn't necessarily mean he would guess you'd still be upset or anxious by Monday - especially if in his mind he wouldn't feel this way?

You could have easily text him in the morning for support, rather than waiting til 3pm to see if he text you. This feels like you are setting him and you up to fail because you expect something, but he doesn't actually know that.

Communicate better, tell him that what you need and ask what he needs, if you need support just ask for it.

@LilacCatt to be honest, you do sound very needy! he probably finds it difficult to deal with you when you are like that.

You sound very needy indeed. How old are you? I hate to say it, but you're going to have a LOT more upsets in life than that. You need to learn how to deal with life.

It seems reasonable to me to text in the afternoon to ask how your days gone. You need to have some of your day first! I think I'd do the same - check in on how it's been rather than a 'thinking of you today' at the start. That just makes more sense to me.

He said he hadn't been feeling well and you didn't check in on him either. So seems either you decided you didn't believe him or you issues trumped his.

I didn't mean to quote Josette77 there 😳

Hes just not that into you. Sorry Op.

No, you don't sound needy actually OP. God forbid someone hopes that their partner thinks to check in with them when they know that they are having a really bad time.

A lot of posters have been really unkind on this thread. I wonder what you would have their permission to be upset about, if the threat of losing your job isn't enough for them?

And in terms of the comment about how you will have bigger things to endure in life, well exactly why the partner's behaviour is a worry. It doesn't sound like he would be much use, or have her back.

I don't think you sound needy.

Does he have a habit of feeling unwell whenever you aren't feeling good yourself?

So from one year ago the problem has not changed and in fact confirms that it is who he is.sounds like he isn't very interested op, it's normal to check in given what happened.

TBH I don't think he has done much wrong here. My DP might not pick up on the fact I was stressing on the Monday given the review was Friday and I'd had the weekend to prepare. He sort of treats everything in life like we are grown adults, we get on with it and if I have an issue I will tell him in an open way so he can support me, and likewise. Some people are just like that. I know to be clear - DP is the most lovely, wonderful and supportive person, however sometimes it wouldn't occur to him I'd feel like I needed support as I'm a strong character and hide things well!

If you come back OP then I think this PP hits the nail on the head.

This is who he is, there’s only a certain amount he might be able to learn new habits but you’ll need to be explicitly clear what you need. No point saying “he should know” - he doesnt know and doesn’t sound like a particularly emotionally mature person either. Really there is no right or wrong - there is only right FOR YOU or wrong FOR YOU.
Lots of people wouldn’t be bothered by this, you are and that’s fine but if he’s a person who wouldn’t be bothered then you’re going to always be misaligned in these situations where you “need more”

Your choice is to communicate clearly with what you need at these times and do not expect him to just “get it” (because he clearly doesn’t) or you move on and choose a future partner with more a more
compatible level of emotional intelligence

Thank you. My colleagues have been crying too. I was actually the last one to crack. Also there is a backstory because I have had awful luck with jobs - not getting paid etc. and it's just extra upsetting for me to be faced with a sh*t job situation again when I do actually work really hard. Also my dad was in intensive care all last month. My BF knows all of this.
He is 10years older than me.

How are people guessing this? 😕

Appreciate your understanding, thanks. Everyone is getting fired for basically no reason. Or leaving before they get fired. I'm reluctant to leave because I'm also trying to study for an exam to get a better job but also I'm worried I'm gonna get fired even though I'm just trying my best. I'm trying. I just have not had a smooth ride recently.

My partner would have done this too, I don't think this should be a high or unrealistic standard either? A two year relationship is long enough to make an effort to check in on your partner if they're going through a hard time! A text takes 2 minutes to send and OP has already communicated previously with her partner that it means a lot to her to have a phone call or check in if she's upset so I do think it's a bit thoughtless. I really don't think this is an unreasonably high bar of expectation

You do sound very needy and clingy.
Its like its all about you.

It has happened before but could be a genuine coincidence

I just had no idea he wasn't feeling well as that only happened on the Monday

I feel like he doesn't like it when I call him. In the past I've had bfs who will stay an hour on the phone chatting. Current bf, I feel an awareness of not to stay on the phone to him too long

He's quite a reserved person, I don't think he likes talking on the phone in general tbh

Please don't listen to anyone telling you that you are needy for expecting the bare minimum in your long term relationship.
Sounds like he wants you more when he can't have you, hence the harassing you to get back with him before. Now he's 'got you' he's become lazy again.
You know your worth and you can do so much better.
I'm sorry your bf is such a dick OP.

What a passive aggressive snide little comment. From ignore everyone else to the fake sorry he’s a dick.

This. PPs are being very unfair. Your partner should be there for you during difficult times. They should have your back. Otherwise you are not a partnership, you are just two people.sharing the same space. The people responding that you should just get on with it yourself are probably avoidant attachers!

You are being needy.

Did you text him to see how he was feeling after you knew he felt unwell?

I'd be seriously taking a long hard look as to whether the relationship has run it's course - 2 years together, living separately I'm guessing, barely texting each other other 🤷🏻‍♀️

As for work, as shitty as it is, you have 2 choices - stick with it or find another job - it's that simple.

If I'm unhappy at work, I'm out of there as quick as possible - life is far too short and there's always something else.

OP it’s totally reasonable to be in a loving relationship and expect emotional support. That’s what your supposed to do for each other. It’s not being whiney or expecting him to be psychic - your two years in. He should know your going through a shit time and be able to support you.

Your two years in and he didn’t realise you’d need checking in on? I just don’t buy that - he doesn’t give a shit OP or he is not mentally able to give you support.

Have a really good think are those times laughing with him really worth feeling alone when the going gets tough for you? How would he be if you got seriously ill? How would he be if someone you loved died? What support would he be able to give you?

You already told him you were going though it so he knew.

So you wanted a message.

he didn’t.

he also explained he was ill.

and you’re still not happy.

when he said he was ill what did you do?

you sound exhausting.