To Tell My BF I'm Upset He Didn't Text Me

[LilacCatt]

Hi,

I've had some performance problems at work lately. It has been causing me some stress.

On Friday at the end of the day, I had a performance review with my manager. It didn't go very well. I'd like to add I don't feel fully responsible for my performance review. Some of the things I'm being reprimanded for I haven't even been trained on, ever. So I was therefore unaware I had done something wrong. My manager knows this, but will not admit it. I think that's what upset me the most, because it feels so unfair. So yeah, I started crying at the end of my review.

I told my BF this.

We have been together 2 years. One time about a year ago I was upset about a (admittedly sorta minor) health appointment and said I'd like a call because of how I felt about it and he just texted me saying he was a bit tired and goodnight. I explained the following week that this really made me feel uncared for. He said he didn't realise.

Fast forward to Friday, I tell him what happened at work. He gives me a hug, etc. However, on Monday he didn't text me until 3pm asking how the day went, and said he didn't feel too good (he works from home). The day was not nice, I had people coming up to me saying "I thought you were gone on Friday!" etc etc, and my manager is barely making eye contact with me.

I replied at 3:30pm saying it was a bit of a stressy day but that I was just trying to plod on, and that I hope he felt okay.

He then didn't text me until nearly 10pm, after watching a film

AIBU to feel uncared for? And to make this known?

I know he doesn't feel well today but.... I kinda already knew he wouldn't text me. All I wanted was a message "thinking of you today, hope you manage okay" or something.

Am I being needy?!

How on earth can this man be diagnosed as a narcissist based on the snippet of information given? He may well have been ill.

Calling someone a narcissist at the slightest thing seems to be the latest thing to do.

Calling someone a narcissist at the slightest thing seems to be the latest thing to do

I agree. Lazy thinking/slash/stereotyping also.

All the replies here are personal opinions based on experience. For me it’s a red flag that she’s upset and his response about being ill makes her doubt whether her feelings are valid. He managed to work and watch a movie but he was too poorly to text? I’m not a psychologist though. You are welcome to disagree and I certainly wouldn’t go so far as to diagnose him.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, wanting a bit of thought in a circumstance like this isn’t being needy, if it was all the time maybe but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case.
and to all those suggesting being a little bit ill means he can’t send a text .. jeez 😳🤦🏻‍♀️ I’m guessing you are also men 😆
But in the grand scheme of things if he’s generally a good guy this maybe something you just have to accept.

Ahh
There's the poster calling us men 😒

Watching a movie and texting are two different levels of "commitment". If he was texting everyone BUT OP that would be different

The point really isn’t that he didn’t text and that he claimed he wasn’t able to because he was ill, he did text, just not at the time that OP thought he should text. He still texted her when she was at work, just that it was in the afternoon.

I have had a vagina since birth and still don’t think it’s a big deal that he texted a few hours later than what was expected but never expressed to him. I don’t understand how he could have known.

Calm down, it was said in jest.
Different level of commitment? Come on!!!

but I guess he can’t be expected to multitask 🤣🤣

You sound super needy.

Crying at work?

He did text you.

Do you think it’s possible you’re transferring your emotions about your work situation onto him?

It is quite a strong reaction to him messaging five hours later than you’d have liked.

It’s actually quite usual to be busy with work, alongside not feeling well and it be 3pm before you get round to making a personal call. For me it’s quite controlling behaviour from you to feel entitled to manage him to this extent.

I hope your work situation improves. Put it in writing that you haven’t had sufficient training in one of the areas you are being criticised for. Try to improve the other areas.

How are you going to feel if in a week’s time you have no job and no boyfriend?

Just checked and I definitely don't have male genitalia 😘

Though Tbf these days that's no guarantee of anything

As you were..

It's such an over used comment now, it's not even funny

Nor is it multitasking

Watching a film requires very little... thought (usually) texting about something deeply emotional however does.

Oh grow up.

My work is not great atm (redundancy threats) but I don’t expect my husband to be constantly checking in on me whilst he is doing his job. My husband’s work is incredibly stressful but he doesn’t expect me to be constantly messaging him to ask how he is whilst I am at work (even if I am wfh, because I am actually working and focusing on that).

if you don’t feel like the communication with your OH is where it should be then ditch him.

You need to take control of your own work situation.

1. you are being reprimanded for areas of your job you have not been adequately trained in. ASK your line manager for further training. Ideally in writing on email and keep a record of it.
2. if your employer is not already doing so, ask for regular check ins with your line manager and obtain performance feed back
3. set some goals for you to realistically achieve at work

you are responsible for your own happiness.

This relationship sounds like it doesn't give you what you need. You ended it before. You tried again. And now it's going wrong - again.
You want more support and he's clearly the type to throw a sicky rather than offer it to you.

I think you already know this isn't right, and it's probably time for something new which gives you what you need.

I'm with you OP. You shouldn't need to ask him etc, it should be instinctive. Unfortunately he does seem to be lacking in emotional literacy. Only you can decide if it's a deal breaker or not- for me it would be.
I hope he job situation gets better for you soon. If not, make sure you get yourself out and find another job where you are properly trained and appreciated.

However the op is crying because her performance in the workplace has been poor and she's failing to understand the implications of that and the constructive criticism.
Now she's blaming her poorly boyfriend.

Needy employee and needy partner.
Tiring for both employer and partner.

In fact the thread is tiring.

He treats you like you don't matter to him, you break up with him because of it, he pleads with you to come back to him (probably with promises to behave better towards you in future), you go back, he reverts to the former uncaring behaviour. Rinse, repeat.
OP, at 44 this man is not going to become more emotionally mature because he doesn't have to. He has found a woman who will repeatedly tolerate his blatant disregard for her feelings whilst still providing sex.
As for 'I was ill' - please, what a cop out.
Do yourself a favour and dump this disrespectful jerk. You're on the road to nowhere with this guy and you deserve someone who shows real interest in your life and feelings.

OP, I feel mixed here. Potentially you are a little needy but the right guy will never make you FEEL you are being needy. You will feel secure, loved, cared for and never need to question it. I have a lot of attachment issues due to my childhood and was often made to feel needy and sensitive. All that fell away when I met my current partner and I don't need to be needy anymore because he makes me feel safe without even actively trying to, if that makes sense. Please don't stay in a relationship that isn't good enough. You aren't getting what you need from him.

I think its him who should feel uncared for. How long exactly is he supposed to pander to your neediness?