To Tell My BF I'm Upset He Didn't Text Me

[LilacCatt]

Hi,

I've had some performance problems at work lately. It has been causing me some stress.

On Friday at the end of the day, I had a performance review with my manager. It didn't go very well. I'd like to add I don't feel fully responsible for my performance review. Some of the things I'm being reprimanded for I haven't even been trained on, ever. So I was therefore unaware I had done something wrong. My manager knows this, but will not admit it. I think that's what upset me the most, because it feels so unfair. So yeah, I started crying at the end of my review.

I told my BF this.

We have been together 2 years. One time about a year ago I was upset about a (admittedly sorta minor) health appointment and said I'd like a call because of how I felt about it and he just texted me saying he was a bit tired and goodnight. I explained the following week that this really made me feel uncared for. He said he didn't realise.

Fast forward to Friday, I tell him what happened at work. He gives me a hug, etc. However, on Monday he didn't text me until 3pm asking how the day went, and said he didn't feel too good (he works from home). The day was not nice, I had people coming up to me saying "I thought you were gone on Friday!" etc etc, and my manager is barely making eye contact with me.

I replied at 3:30pm saying it was a bit of a stressy day but that I was just trying to plod on, and that I hope he felt okay.

He then didn't text me until nearly 10pm, after watching a film

AIBU to feel uncared for? And to make this known?

I know he doesn't feel well today but.... I kinda already knew he wouldn't text me. All I wanted was a message "thinking of you today, hope you manage okay" or something.

Am I being needy?!

Really....?

A text because I told him to, when I told him to... Is not the same thing as him sincerely wishing me a good day. I really don't think that would feel much better to me!!

Well sometimes you have to take what you can get.

If you expect him to think of it all by himself when it seems he isn’t the sort of person who naturally makes thoughtful gestures then you might be waiting for a long time, but if you start telling him what you need the penny could drop - eventually.

If not then you will have to love him for his other qualities and recognise that you will need to build your own emotional strengths and work out ways to deal with difficult situations yourself.

You are being needy yes. You cried at work on Friday and then the weekend passed so it’s highly likely it slipped to the back of his mind, especially if he felt ill. What takes over our mind doesn’t necessarily take over someone else’s.
If it was me I would have text Monday morning before work and said I’m dreading going in today and knowing my husband he would have said thinking of you babe or something.

I think people are being unfair actually. A meeting like the one you had is incredibly upsetting and distressing. Most people would cry in that circumstance and feel like absolute shit going back into work. And I think people should expect a couple of messages of support off their partner and a big hug when they get home.

I’m curious, are you younger than your boyfriend?

I would be reconsidering this relationship to be honest, people get sick as in very sick, people lose jobs, get bereaved etc. It’s all part of life and you feel that your boyfriend can’t really be there for you in any meaningful way when you need it then you may have to accept that he will always be a fun boyfriend but never be a partner, or you may have to move on and look for what you want elsewhere.

You are getting ridiculous typical MN responses. You are not being needy, you want your partner to give a shit and take an interest in your life. Obviously all these people commenting are ok with cold relationships but most relationships I know people would want their other half to care, and take an interest. It's so normal to be there for your partner when they have something going on, check in with them, ask is all ok when they know something rubbish has been going on. It shows we/they care.

You seem to feel the caring should be one way. He feels unwell it’s all fine if he can watch a movie and nothing expected from you. You need to go to work where you’re not performing and he needs to be molly coddling you.

Hmm it’s a tricky one. I would’ve expected a text / call in your position. But rather than stew on it all day and waitibg for an unprompted text I would’ve probably text him first saying something like “oh god today is just as bad as I’d feared. I’m going to need a hug later!” or something like that. Im not sure you’ve done yourself any favours by waiting angrily for a text that you know wouldn’t come. Seems a bit like game playing.

sone people aren’t naturals at this kind of thing (my OH isn’t so if I need support I have to ask and then I get it in spades) if they don’t need reassurance in the same way you do.

I hope work is better today anyway.

Why? Because the BF isn't dancing to the OPs tune?

Sorry, I find people who expect their partners to communicate telepathically and then use that as a litmus test of whether they really care about you to be exhausting.

From his perspective you had a bad day on Friday and he comforted you. Then you didn't mention it over the weekend (or did you?) or say how worried you were about Monday, so he thought you were over it. Then he DID text you to ask you it went and you minimised it saying it was stressful but OK, so he thought no further comforting was required.

We've all had stressful days at work. Sometimes you need to vent or be comforted and then you're over it. Occasionally you get that ongoing feeling of dread that you had, and I sympathise because I've been there, but your partner doesn't magically know which one of the two it is. If I'm still feeling upset on Sunday about something that happened on Friday, I will tell DP this and he'll definitely step up with the comfort. If I don't tell him, he'll reasonably assume I've got past whatever happened on Friday.

Why didn't you text him on Monday and tell him how your day had went or call him?

But the thing is she did get an umprompted text.

I think she wanted a "good luck, hope it goes well" early morning text whereas he thought it would be more supportive to ask how it went once the day had happened (which could only be an afternoon text) and take it from there. I'd have done the latter too tbh.

I don’t think you get it. I don’t think that @viques is advising you to tell him to text you. Rather I think it’s more about you communicating a bit better. You could have text him in the morning to communicate with him about your anxiety. And then he most likely would have responded.

Is it reasonable to expect people to do as we would do? He is not you. He is his own self. How does he care about people in his own way?

Maybe you show someone you care about them by checking in with them via text or phone call as a follow up from a previous conversation/interaction. And maybe you would send a text to wish someone well. But that’s not what everybody would do. People show they care in their own way.

Ask yourself in what ways does my boyfriend show me that he cares?

Sometimes our bad feelings or our disappointment or our frustrations can actually stem from having unreasonable expectations that aren’t met. The best way to deal with that is to consider your expectations carefully and if they are not reasonable then adjust them accordingly. It will change the way you feel.

It is amazing how perception affects our emotions.

Yes @gannett but not the one she wanted. I think she needs to prompt the communication because it’s not coming naturally to him. Not everyone shows their support like she wants him to. Before he met me I think my OH would’ve been amazed that some people like a text to show you’re thinking of them.

I don’t think either of you are necessarily being unreasonable, you just have differing expectations.

Personally the whole “why didn’t you text” stuff would drive me nuts, having to second guess when I was expected to text or call. But that’s me, everyone is different.

Yes I agree. I'm a bad texter too (and so is DP so we're suited on that level). Don't think either of us would have sent an unprompted morning text in this scenario (though we would have asked how it had gone in the afternoon, like OP's bf). But if I'd said to him on Sunday night or Monday morning that I was feeling really anxious about work, he'd have 100% stepped up to comfort me and give me a boost to face it. That's the thing. It's all about communication not just silently expecting something.

It's very convenient that he's ill when you need a bit of support. He's only there for the good times...

He doesn't behave in the way you want him to, OP. Telling him how he needs to do that defeats the object a bit. If he really wanted to know how you are, he would ask you. A 'duty' text wouldn't make you feel any better, would it?

What's going on at work that your colleagues thought you would be gone on Friday? That must have been so stressful for you returning to work on Monday. Can you look for another job?

You have a bit of a double whammy going on here... work and a boyfriend who doesn't seem to care that much. You can't change him but you can look at your work situation to see if you can improve that. It's not good for you to be in dread before the start of work every day... I know how that feels.

I’d guess you are quite a bit younger than him, and that he is emotionally unavailable.

Why would you guess he is emotionally unavailable? It sounds to me like she is needy and wants molly coddling, and he isn’t playing that game, neither would I. And I’m emotionally available.

Had you mentioned over the weekend you were dreading it?

If I'd not mentioned it and then got a text on the morning saying "hope all goes well" then it would potentially make me feel there was something I need to be worried about instead of putting it behind me. A text after to check how the day went is still an acknowledgement you know it'll be tough but without potentially making them feel more nervous about it too.

You did minimise by saying "a bit stressy but plodded on" rather than saying how it really was as well

It’s not about expectation or obligation.

My husband would have texted me in the situation OP describes. Not because he felt he was expected to but because he loves me and cares about me.

I went to the GP a couple of weeks ago about something that I knew was in all likelihood nothing, but I was worried so he called me afterwards to see how I got on. He could have waited til we were both home but he was
worried about ME being worried.

That’s normal surely? I’d check on a friend in that sort of situation too. It baffles me that some people accept such a low level of consideration from people who are meant to care.

It's bizarre to use differing communication styles as a litmus test for love and care.

I wouldn't have texted DP unprompted in the morning in this scenario. I still love and care for him!

If he isn’t behaving the way you would like him to (I think his behaviour is fine) and you’re upset by it but you’re not willing to communicate what you need then you have the option of ending the relationship or continuing with someone you're going to be disappointed with.

Some people have a low bar on here. Don't let them think you're being unreasonable.

Sounds like he couldn't care less about you and won't step up when you really need him.

Well, I would never expect any texts at all from my partner, work issue or not - that's just not how we operate. But if texting about stuff is normal for you, it does still seem a bit "needy". You probably need to concentrate on sorting out the issues at your workplace, not waiting for texts during the working day.