To wish I didn't have my daughter

[gingerbreadbunny]

I have 4 children, 3 are lovely easy children and 1 who whinges and whines all day about anything and everything.
She's really hard work, the other 3 go straight to bed but not her she's up fussing back and forth for hours, it's exhausting.
She doesn't ever want to go anywhere and will make everything about her by just being difficult and awkward, she won't do as she's told,
if she doesn't get her own way she screams and tantrums and ruins everyone else's day.
She constantly and deliberately upsets her brothers and sister who have had enough, she'll only play with them if she gets her own way and if they don't want to play her way she'll ruin it for them or won't play.
She's 6 and I love her but I just know life would be so much happier for us all if we hadn't had her.
I feel like she sucks all the energy out of me every single day.
She always wants everything to be about her and will deliberately talk over any siblings who try and talk to me.
If I hold another's hand she'll pull them off me so she can hold my hand instead.
I just don't have any energy left, she's completely depleting me and dh.
She is full of anger and hatred and is wearing us down.
She can be lovely when it suits her but it's usually short lived, just until something doesn't go her way.

The school told me my daughter had no signs of adhd at all.

she got so bad we took her to a therapist who was like….’I think you need to have her tested for adhd’

we did. She was diagnosed. So don’t take their word for it. The symptoms of it are much different than with a boy.

You’ve been describing my daughter all the way through your posts.

the Coke bottle thing also sounds like how I used to say she goes from zero to 100 within seconds, but what I’ve now learned is that internally, her nervous system is so activated that she’s always hovering around 70/80 and can easily be set off from there.

The last six months have been a revelation to me. I thought she was strong willed, stubborn, challenging etc but I only realised towards the end of last year that she could be ND. We pursued a private diagnosis and just this month she has received a diagnosis of ASD and PDA is a big part of it. She’s well behaved in school and like you I was worried they wouldn’t ‘see’ it but they saw enough other things to support the referral.

good luck - a diagnosis for us has been a huge relief.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

I’m not sure I agree. ND is incredibly under resourced with huge waiting lists.
My DD was as described and we could have gone down the ND route, but we found firm boundaries has worked and she is doing really well now.
DS has a speech delay and everyone is labelling him autistic. I pushed to get him an EHCP and the school tried to refuse him a place. Largely because they thought they had insufficient resources. After a battle he is in school and doing really well. His needs revolve around his speech and not in other areas, but everyone just jumps on the ND bandwagon with him - and assumes he has needs in areas where he doesn’t.

I had 3 children.

If one was consistently causing problems my OH and I would find a way of taking them off and away from the others for periods of time - for instance he would take the one off somewhere for undivided attention while the rest of us were able to relax and have fun together - or we would do it the other way round.

It was an opportunity for the child having problems to establish relations with us that were not based on conflict. It did seem to help. The others were not jealous - they just enjoyed being able to play in peace!

It is hard when you have "normal" reasonably biddable children and one turns out to be different. It feels as though it makes no sense; or as if you did something wrong. But usually it is just that they have a different personality and different needs. It is nothing you have done.

But it is a problem when one child becomes the villain - they find they have cast themselves in a role from which they do not know how to extract themselves - that is what they are known as in the family, so if they let go of this role, what do they have left? Taking them aside for a morning/afternoon now and again gives them a chance to relate differently to a parent and rethink. It is of course vital that the positive reinforcement is of attention and not material treats that will cause jealousy.

Tbh, this behaviour could be the result of any number of things - birth order, temperament, seeking attention and having learned early on that bad behaviour is the most effective strategy, perhaps undiagnosed NDs (mine are ASD/ADHD and, unlike many posters here, we didn’t have any of the behavioural issues just clinginess/being withdrawn/anxiety etc so I am loath to immediately default to this as an explanation, but also wouldn’t rule it out).

Or maybe there are other family dynamics at play - you do not mention DH/DP from which I am inferring he is ‘absent’/not engaged/unsupportive and this can all feed into a child’s behaviour if you are the primary carer for 4 children without support. Do you spend any time with each of your children individually? Does their dad? Do you, yourself, get time away from your children to recharge?

In your shoes, I would see my GP and also speak to your HV, as I assume you may still have one with your youngest child. I think you and your daughter could benefit from a professional assessment, as much to rule stuff out as to obtain labels/diagnoses, but also because they can refer you to parenting courses that might offer you support at this challenging time and a fresh approach to managing her.

Yeah my dd was as described. We didn’t think she was bad, so didn’t push for a diagnosis. Didn’t think she was ND.

Shes in severe ASD burnout now. Been out of school 2 years.

Good luck with those boundaries. They won’t help with the masking which triggers burnout. Your’re hugely letting your daughter down.

Weve had self harm, severe burnout, the lot. Boundaries will make zero difference.

I was going to say the same as I have a dd with ASD (PDA profile) and ADHD. She displays near identical behaviour to what the OP has described.

I mean yes this child may well be ND, I have exactly the same story with one of mine who.. resented having that label & wouldn't comply with any support.
He has grown up resentful & now has no contact with anyone in the rest of the family. All incredibly sad especially since we poured so much energy into trying to support him.

I'm not saying that there's no hope but difficult & navigating any support offered is also a minefield.

We found boundaries made it worse for every one boundary we set and adhered to she then had to gain control back in multiple other areas to balance the power back over to her and it made things even worse

Definitely echo others suggesting looking into ND assessments. Sounds very familiar to our experience, now with a DD of 16 with a recent diagnosis. With respect many professionals are still in the dark about how such things present in girls so you need to do the leg work and be armed with info before going to the GP. Schools, for example, may well still not recognise the impact of masking on girls (“well behaved” at school, then all that effort leaves them depleted at home and seemingly “difficult“). I’d really recommend looking into info from the Autistic Girls Network although appreciate this is not necessarily relevant. Sorry it’s tough for you, OP and this feels like extra work but, if anything does come up from it, you’ll have a different perspective and coping strategies to see you through.

Do you have much experience of ND children?because it sure screams ND to me. Even down to the glowing school reports.
OP, Look up PDA autism and strategies to cope.
There is help out there.

I recommend all reading pp have suggested and amend parenting accordingly - this is the bit that will make the most difference and heal your relationships quickest. It will feel counterintuitive, but so interesting to see if it works.

You say she is shining at school. So possibly academically very able? In that case, maybe try getting her to learn a musical instrument or to code or Duolingo or something along those lines at home. If she can hyper focus, find that thing she can progress in and challenge herself with, get self esteem from and some quality positive attention from you. Lots of free resources for guitar, coding etc online. Added benefit will keep her occupied. Avoid computer games - they tend to lock those type of kids in, to no real purpose, for hours at a time and then they come back to the real world in foul form - a battle to avoid as their tenacity is unreal.

All best

She sounds like my DS at that age. He's been diagnosed ASD.

The thing is, if she's doing well academically at school, you can't rely on the school to push for diagnosis, or even suggest it. They only care about neurodiversity if it's affecting school work.

I pushed for diagnosis as I'd heard that ND kids often do OK at school until they're teenage, and then find it all too much. But it takes ages to get diagnosed and to tget the support they need. So I wanted to get a diagnosis - if one was to be had ) sooner rather than waiting until he was in crisis. I also wanted him to have the language to describe his own experiences, rather than just feeling like he was different but not knowing how or why.

I would look up ASD symptoms in girls, speak to the school but don't rely on their opinion (I let the school put me off for 3 year in a row, until we got a new SENCO who was supportive. It was a total waste of time. School are not doctors, I should have gone with my gut). Find out how to self-refer, so you know how to progress a diagnosis without the school if you need to.

If she is on the spectrum, no amount of strictly enforced boundaries etc is going to change the underlying issues.

Understanding my DS is on the spectrum has helped enormously.

If you chose to use time out, if she gets off, you put her back

Yeah this works like a charm with ND kids everytime🙄

Cant think why l didn’t try it🙄if you read my earlier post THEY DON’T DO IT.

My daughter was super tall for her age. I didn’t have the strength to wrestle with her and the kicks aimed at me.

Hmm if my mum wished she’d never had me, I’d probably pick up on that and act out too

If she's academically bright ('shining') then she may be gifted and those children can be difficult too. What does she like doing, when she is pleasant to be around? It does sound like (what used to be termed) Asperger's, those with the condition can lack empathy and emotional intelligence and be very self-willed.

You would be best to have her assessed. Girls on the spectrum tend to mask at school and turn in a good academic performance, and fly under the radar, so to speak.

I know everyone hates MN diagnosing. But my first thought was "girl with Autism".
The difficult behaviour at home, compared to the angel-child act at school, suggests a lot of masking going on. And her saying "it's boring and she hates it", could well be 6yo code for "I find school very emotionally draining."

Even if you think I'm totally off the mark, I don't think a doctors appointment would be a bad bet.

They don’t lack empathy or emotional intelligence. That is an outdated concept. Based on the outdated male presentation.

Mine is full of both, in fact she astounds me with her depth of emotional intelligence.

My autistic DD is just like that. Sucks all my energy too. Might be worth considering if this could be at play?

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

I’m sorry but firm boundaries has worked for my DD. Yesterday she was making an intricate model which partly collapsed, and she calmly said - I’m going to take a little break. She would not have been able to self regulate like this a few years ago.
To tell me ‘I’m hugely letting my daughter down’ is quite unnecessary - and I wouldn’t criticise you in this way.
It’s only fair that the OP hears different points of view.
Parenting isn’t a one size fits all. You have a style that works for you - which you are sharing. And I’m sharing what’s worked for me.

Well, this child clearly does. All ND children are different.

Her nursery suggested that neuro diverse DC can't be lovely? I'd ignore them based on that, straight away.

My work area too, and I'd say the absolute opposite.

That people are finally waking up to the fact that girls have been under diagnosed and therefore under supported for years is not a "bandwagon".

Interested to know what your qualifications actually are? I've found some teachers to be particularly dismissive.

She’s 6. She’s too stressed and unhappy to display it. Shes fighting for survival at the moment.

Do any kids have empathy or emotional intelligence at that age?

All ND kids are different. But the lack of empathy has been debunked for the majority.

I didn't find I had to fight. I spoke to my GP who did a short screening and then referred her to the child development centre. They send questionnaires for myself and school to do. Her teacher pretty much saw no traits in her as she masks at school. But the professionals know that. Then we had a video call consultation with a paediatrician which mainly involved me answering questions. Then we had an in person session with a paediatric, child psychologist and occupational therapist. This involved answering questions as well as them observing my DD. She was given her diagnosis there and then. All in all it took about 2 years.