To wish I didn't have my daughter

[gingerbreadbunny]

I have 4 children, 3 are lovely easy children and 1 who whinges and whines all day about anything and everything.
She's really hard work, the other 3 go straight to bed but not her she's up fussing back and forth for hours, it's exhausting.
She doesn't ever want to go anywhere and will make everything about her by just being difficult and awkward, she won't do as she's told,
if she doesn't get her own way she screams and tantrums and ruins everyone else's day.
She constantly and deliberately upsets her brothers and sister who have had enough, she'll only play with them if she gets her own way and if they don't want to play her way she'll ruin it for them or won't play.
She's 6 and I love her but I just know life would be so much happier for us all if we hadn't had her.
I feel like she sucks all the energy out of me every single day.
She always wants everything to be about her and will deliberately talk over any siblings who try and talk to me.
If I hold another's hand she'll pull them off me so she can hold my hand instead.
I just don't have any energy left, she's completely depleting me and dh.
She is full of anger and hatred and is wearing us down.
She can be lovely when it suits her but it's usually short lived, just until something doesn't go her way.

I think that's the point. This delightful person thinks we need to smack the neurodivergent differences out of our kids so that they're more socially acceptable.

@gingerbreadbunny could you afford to go private. I know it's not right but I almost guarantee you someone in the loop somewhere will fob you off and gaslight you. The SENCO at my child's school gave nothing at all even though others felt strongly there was a difference ( this only came out because I ensured the private assessment had an in school observation). So based on the SENCO, no problem there. NHS assessment request declined. My GP started talking about parenting classes. At that point I knew it was futile.

I feel it has the potential to add significant stress to parents going through the shit show that is accessing NHS assessment for autism/ADHD. Others may have had a better experience.

Smacking my ND child would just lead to a confused, hurt little boy who would still face all the challenges his autism brings.

I must have missed it, but somebody is recommending smacking kids? Wtaf????

This is exactly why most children go undiagnosed because parents fear being wrongly accused of poor parenting and offered parenting classes and potentially attracting children services to come and question the parenting so sometimes it's best to keep quiet especially if you have other children.

I would have thought that if the huge increase in ND diagnosis over the past 5/10 years was working and children were getting the correct support : we’d be seeing less school absence, better behaviour in schools, less mental health issues and less disaffection.

Is that’s what’s happening?

Smacking is expressly criminalised in Scotland and Wales, and - subject to context and the story of whoever is reporting it - likely covered by the Children Act 2004.

But yeah, stuff the advice to speak to a HV and GP and explore whether there might be anything underlying her behaviour and get professional support either way - no, just fast-track to breaking the law. 🤦🏽‍♀️

The support isn't there. It's as simple as that.

It’s ND children who are mainly behind the absences…

This is exactly why most children go undiagnosed because parents fear being wrongly accused of poor parenting and offered parenting classes and potentially attracting children services to come and question the parenting so sometimes it's best to keep quiet especially if you have other children.

Oh wow really, so you're saying they might take your children because they might think you're an unfit parent because they don't believe they are nd??

Is she getting too much of the wrong type of attention? Instruct H that you will not respond to whining, instead say a compliment to other child, the second she stops then look at her, compliment and give instruction, 'I like your waiting, let's play a game' as soon as shouting, grabbing starts then don't look at her, just get up and walk away. When she stops again, back to looking at her and saying, 'I like you are waiting, let's continue the game'. It might take ages but it's surprisingly effective.

This was in reply to @littlepringle it just didn't quote.

@pointythings

I totally agree with you. It’s impossible to give adequate support from outside agencies. They are severely under resourced. So what do you do? Blame others and let things slide - or do everything you proactively can to support your child’s behaviour. And I’m sorry, but time and time again - it’s down to lack of boundaries and not taking responsibility for that behaviour. You need to be assertive, give firm guidance (and NO you don’t need to smack) and let the child know that they are loved - but they are not going to live a healthy life if they don’t follow the rules for living in society.

😂yeah right……..boundaries🙄

This assumes that the training of specialised staff and provision of additional facilities also increased in tandom with the rate of diagnoses, though, doesn’t it? And that existing staff can keep up with the broadening list of behaviours and upskill to manage them?

It also lumps all ND diagnoses in together, when ASD is a spectrum disorder - one ASD child may have high anxiety, another may have sensory processing disorders, another also ADHD - and this is before we fall into the territory of dyslexia and dyscalculia (ND in their own right, but also highly concurrent with ASD), or harmful behavioural problems which may impact up to & 44% of children struggling with emotional disregulation.

So the bad behaviour started when she was two e.g. when her younger sibling was born and has continued ever since…Sounds more like jealously of no longer being ‘the baby’ especially with what you said in the OP:

She constantly and deliberately upsets her brothers and sister who have had enough, she'll only play with them if she gets her own way and if they don't want to play her way she'll ruin it for them or won't play.
She's 6 and I love her but I just know life would be so much happier for us all if we hadn't had her.
I feel like she sucks all the energy out of me every single day.
She always wants everything to be about her and will deliberately talk over any siblings who try and talk to me.
If I hold another's hand she'll pull them off me so she can hold my hand instead.

Nothing screams out additional needs there just a bratty jealous child who wants to be the centre of attention. 6 is still very young, hopefully she will grow out of it.

’Bratty jealous child’🤮

She's currently screaming at me at the top of her voice for me to feed her, her dinner because she doesn't want to do it herself.
Do I give in and feed her or insist she feeds herself which will lead to hours of screaming, violent outbursts and throwing things?

Bratty jealous child? What an awful way to describe a wee girl.

Feed her make it fun try that

It isn't as simple as 'boundaries '. If you think that, you don't know enough about neurodiversity. Yes, you can raise an ND child to cope effectively with society in many cases, but conventional parenting strategies won't get you there. The goal is the same, but how you get there is quite different.

@BusyMummy001

But is that provision objective, highly understood, well resourced and making a measurable difference to children in our society?

I am sorry to hear you are finding things so tough. I have a son (youngest of two) with similar traits and I have spent a lot of time recently trying to pin point causes.

Firstly, have you communicated your concerns with her school? It might be that they have also noticed some behavioural traits themselves and might be able to offer some emotional literacy support. This may or may not open a door to investigating if there are any medical reasons for her behaviour, such as some sort of neurodiversity?

I personally do not have problems with bedtimes at all and actually, when my son is alone he is a dream, but I have realised when he is around his brother (or when I have to say no to his wishes for whatever reason, be it safety or time constraints) this is when the problems start. I have realised he genuinely thinks the whole world revolves around him and could not care less what effect he has on others, plus he will never back down, nor settle down should an altercation happen. This is not to do with my parenting approach, we are not walkovers, but I sadly can probably put a lot of his traits down to me and my personality. I remember being very similar as a child but obviously now I have just grown up a lot and have the emotional maturity to know what is socially acceptable.

I have recently asked his school to refer him for emotional literacy support by their pastoral department and plan to work closely with them using their techniques. I appreciate that it might just take a lot of time for him to mature and ‘control’ it but our children have so much more access to these types of support than we ever did, so I hope it will help him at least go along the correct path. You might very well find the same for your 6yr old.

At times I have felt totally alone, a terrible mum and helpless. I want you to know you are not alone! I hope you can find something that works for you all as a family x

@pointythings

But you are ending up with a situation where every child that exhibits challenging behaviour is labelled ND. Which can lead to not even attempting boundaries. Which leads to a confused child, who doesn’t follow or understand societal expectations.

Resulting in school disaffection being worse now than 20/30 years ago when people didn’t immediately jump to a ND diagnosis for challenging behaviour.