To wish I didn't have my daughter

[gingerbreadbunny]

I have 4 children, 3 are lovely easy children and 1 who whinges and whines all day about anything and everything.
She's really hard work, the other 3 go straight to bed but not her she's up fussing back and forth for hours, it's exhausting.
She doesn't ever want to go anywhere and will make everything about her by just being difficult and awkward, she won't do as she's told,
if she doesn't get her own way she screams and tantrums and ruins everyone else's day.
She constantly and deliberately upsets her brothers and sister who have had enough, she'll only play with them if she gets her own way and if they don't want to play her way she'll ruin it for them or won't play.
She's 6 and I love her but I just know life would be so much happier for us all if we hadn't had her.
I feel like she sucks all the energy out of me every single day.
She always wants everything to be about her and will deliberately talk over any siblings who try and talk to me.
If I hold another's hand she'll pull them off me so she can hold my hand instead.
I just don't have any energy left, she's completely depleting me and dh.
She is full of anger and hatred and is wearing us down.
She can be lovely when it suits her but it's usually short lived, just until something doesn't go her way.

On the basis there is little-to-no provision in most schools right now, and it is not currently working in the best interests of those children - and couple this with the fact that extensive research supports such provision being given - we have to assume that yes, it would make a measurable difference.

To suggest otherwise is facetious.

For goodness most parents of ND kids have already tried ‘firm boundaries’ and ‘clear consequences’ and often It. Does. Not. Work.

In fact often parents have very ‘well-behaved’ NT kids that they parent effectively, then cannot understand why that same parenting style isn’t effective on their other child.

Advice to just double-down on these techniques despite them clearly not working is just pointless. And would be the lazy parenting option in my opinion. Much better to actually understand that the solution is going to be a lot more complex and require a lot of understanding, learning and commitment first.

And sorry, but I’m not the only person on this thread stating that my DC had challenging behaviour - and by sticking to firm boundaries - rather then seeking scant support elsewhere/not sticking boundaries - DC is doing well.

Yet I’m being criticised for this observation by all those who jump to assuming OP has a ND child.

The majority of challenging behaviour is ND. Look at the prison population.

For a lot of ND kids firm boundaries does nothing 🙄

The moment has probably passed now but if my dc are anything to go by, this behaviour normally comes from a lack of confidence in the skills she needs to feed herself. Or she's really tired or she's over hungry.

You won't be able to solve anything while she's so riled up - so if calming her down involves you feeding her, so be it - then you can talk about it when she's calm, see if you can get to the bottom of why she didn't want to feed herself and if there's anything about it that she's not confident with.

It might just be that she's too hungry - avoid her getting too hungry, nice big snack after school.

Our understanding of ‘ND’ is not complete but many in prison system have had appalling abuse and poverty - they aren’t simply ‘ND’ - their symptoms may be of an ND but often caused by trauma.

You need to be consistent in whatever you choose to do. Are you going to feed her dinner every time she kicks off or not? If no you need to enforce that she feeds herself or doesn’t eat. If going to bed hungry is the result - she learns it’s a consequence of that behaviour. If she kicks and screams and you give in she learns the kicking and screaming works.

Words fail me! 🤦‍♀️

Exactly. It makes it worse.

And how does that apply to a 6 year old who has been parented exactly the same as her siblings, who are fine?

There are established strategies which do work with children who are neurodiverse. They are not the same strategies that work on neurotypical children.

I wonder what you endured in your own childhood that you think hitting children and leaving them to go hungry is a loving way to raise children. I actually feel sorry for you now.

This is such a horrible post.

’Little prize’

You bet my children are a prize.

I'm going to get reported for this bit @Katbum is such a enormous arsehole. Appropriately named.

@Eieiom you could always say that @katbum is extremely eponymous.

@Katbum and you can have consequences without violence. I assume you know but choose to ignore that. It's just plain nasty to be violent towards children. And entirely counterproductive.

I'm really hoping posters like Katbum don't have children or work with children, as what I've just read is vile.

OP it's well worth going down the ND investigative route as your DD sounds very similar to my autistic and ND friends.

Just to add, I think I was my mum's most difficult child growing up - we clashed severely, I was oppositional, a 'stubborn mule', wilfully antagonistic etc. And now as an adult, we have the closest relationship out of her 3 children. For me it stemmed from too much control exerted by her, with not enough freedom to make my own decisions or make mistakes. Once I grew up, those factors disappeared and I got to know her better as a person.

There'll come a day when you're out of the woods and will love the fact that you had that third child, but for now you'll have to take each day as it comes and remember that it's all temporary (easier said than done, I know!)

It sounds like she’s craving your attention. I’d give her a choice, say something like “you know how to feed yourself but you must be feeling tired and frustrated. I can feed you but then you must go straight to bed if you’re too tired to feed yourself. Or I can sit here with you while you feed yourself and then afterwards we can cuddle up on the sofa and watch Gabby’s Dolls house (or whatever her favourite show is). Which is it to be?”

@BustyLaRoux

@BustyLaRoux Sorry, posted too soon. Just to say lot in your post resonated.

This is such a difficult situation. If your DD is ND (and it does sound like she might be) then certainly adapting your parenting will help. Whether you pursue or get a diagnosis isn’t a magic cure, but you could still make some adaptations and there are plenty of helpful suggestions here (as well as some very unhelpful ones. Please don’t smack your child as someone suggested!). What is interesting is that I was recently on a different MN thread where the OP’s autistic child had developed such controlling behaviours, which had been allowed to spiral out of control to the point where the other children were miserable and everyone was living under a dictatorship, that she had had enough and decided to adopt a zero tolerance approach to the controlling behaviours. This sparked an interesting debate with many ND people feeling this approach would damage the child, people on the other side saying their autistic child’s needs needed to be balanced with the other NT children’s needs.

I guess OP you’re not quite at the point of zero tolerance nor would I hope that you need to get to this point. This is perhaps what happens when things spiral and spiral and the child (whose fault it isn’t) has pushed at and tested the boundaries only to find there are very few and they have developed an absolute need to control every aspect of their environment, including all the family members in it.

You obviously don’t want to get to this stage. Firm boundaries are a must. Children need to know where they stand. But their behaviour does need to be understood. Many children who are ND have high sensory needs which can be extremely challenging for the child. Understanding these and managing them would help. There are often free parenting courses put on in your area, such as non violent resistance, which is excellent and could also be really helpful. For my DD a lot of her challenging behaviour came from the fear that she wasn’t loveable so she would test me to prove her theory! If she’s vile to me then I won’t love her and she will know she’d been right all along. But if I still love her even when she says something awful to me, then she gets to feel safe. I’ve found that spending a lot of time telling her how much I love her and trying to boost her self esteem is helpful as she no longer feels the need to test me as much. Your DD will of course have different reasons for testing you in the way she is. A lot of ND children have poor self esteem though and children need to test us to see where they stand. Just bear in mind her behaviour is trying to tell you something. You have to try and work out what it is. A diagnosis may help, but even then it’s just a label to some degree and it’s up to you to really understand the nuances of your child’s behaviour.

It’s also really important to make time for yourself and cut yourself some slack. Parenting ND children is hard work. There isn’t a manual. You also have to balance your other children’s needs. You are doing a great job already. Don’t beat yourself up. When emotions are high then always take the wind out of her sail and revisit things later when things are calmer. I hope things improve for you. Xx

This is excellent advice right here.

@BustyLaRoux

I think that is a great post because you are taking all angles into account.

From my DD, I know she was trying to rule the roost. From a very, very young age she was telling me “I’m in charge”. And if I’d allowed that to continue she would have continued with her dominance in situations, she’d have continued hitting, dictating her own bedtime, choosing whether or not she goes to school/does homework. During Covid, she would have refused any work set by school - but with very firm boundaries/consequences - she did it : and achieved really well.
And I think it starts from a young age.
E.g. the food refusal discussed earlier. Simple positive language : you are a grown up, very clever girl. I know you can feed yourself beautifully. Lots of praise, make it a game. If tantrum continues - then a very clear - no I expect you to feed yourself. If it continues, then I’d warn, then remove the food, gently pick up the child, put her in a safe space and tell her an apology is needed. Keep returning to the safe space until the apology comes. Even if you have to do it 20times - you continue even if you are exhausted. Once you get the apology then you return to the food. You praise for the apology and you heap LOTS of praise once the expectation begins/is achieved.

This has worked for me, and I’m not ashamed to say it has.

I have 2 DC and a stepchild. My own DC are well behaved and respect the boundaries we set firmly, so we don't need to resort to smacking. If they threw tantrums and acted out in the way OP describes, spoiling family life, then yes if nothing else works they might get a smacked bum! My DSD is a handful because of a lot of complex reasons, her own mother does smack her when the behaviour gets out of control (it's the only thing that works. If you haven't seen a child meltdown to the point they are destroying furniture and so on over not getting what they want for a snack etc. you really can't understand). We don't smack her at my house because it isn't appropriate for me to phsyically punish someone else's child, and I don't think my husband as a grown man should be smacking a 10 yo girl.