My DD (8) always embarrasses me

[Struggle1]

I’m really upset right now, I know part of it is as I’m feeling depressed and my mental health is very bad but I feel any happy days I have my DD “sabotages” them. I know it’s part of being a child but I’m fed up of it now.

An incident happened earlier today where I was chatting away to a lovely lady at an activity. I felt good today, I’m usually very anxious and shy/introverted but today I thought I’m going to make the most of it and forced myself to interact with people and stop isolating myself. The other mum and I were chatting and I made a comment and my DD contradicted me in front of this mum (and others mums listening in!) and shouted “NO! That’s not true we don’t have that, stop lying mummy”. My face went bright red and the conversation stopped. I felt so embarrassed. Just for context I didn’t lie about this thing it’s just something small which DD realised later we do have once I pointed it out to her. In the car I explained to DD she shouldn’t interrupt when I’m talking to adults. I feel so embarrassed, as I’m generally an anxious person this is affecting me more. A normal person would just laugh and shrug it off but I’m still thinking about it! DH has taken kids to see his mum so I have a few hours to myself and I’m wasting it but replaying the scenerio over and over in my head.

I tried to talk to DH when I got home as I was feeling upset but his response was he doesn’t care and doesn’t have time and has to take his dad somewhere. He called me a weird little bitch (kids were in car and didn’t hear).

Right then Op, stop - take a breath and listen! There is nothing, I repeat nothing about you that is ‘weird’. You are being gas lit by a man who has some considerable short comings. He has made you doubt and second guess yourself. He had robbed you of your self esteem and your social confidence. You are far far far too good for him in reality. The person who is weird I’m sorry to say is him. He’s going to be a burden to you I’m afraid but the more you can remind yourself of the real dynamic going on here the better you’ll be able to ‘grey rock’ his behaviour and get yourself stronger.

Yep

What your husband said to you was fricking vile.
Your daughter is 8. She's not sabotaging days out nor would I say she is embarrassing you: you feel embarrassed due to high anxiety.
I have got 6 year old twins - both of whom are ND - and, honestly, some of the stuff she comes out with. 🤦🏼‍♀️ I cringe inwardly but, like me when I was younger (I'm also ND), she says things as she sees them, with very little filter or impulse control. Each time, I just gently, but firmly, remind her not to interrupt or intrude on other people's conversations etc.
I'm not trying to imply either of you are ND, btw! I'd recommend just reminding her of boundaries in the moment and not wait until after the event.
Do you have any support for your anxiety?

There’s an issue they’ve noticed with GP appointments where people will make them and then for 15 or 20 minutes, they’ll talk about the weather or a bit of a twinge in their knee or something else inconsequential, and then when it’s almost time to leave… that’s when they mention the real reason for the appointment. Maybe yhere’s blood in their stool, they have a breast lump, they were assaulted, or they’re being abused.

I don’t think it’s any accident that OP mentions she’s a victim of emotional abuse in the last line of her post. @Struggle1 , today may be tied to what is happening - that your daughter isn’t respecting her mother because she’s mimicking her father’s treatment of you. I think @urbanbuddha had some great ideas of where you could start for help. I know it feels impossible to take that first step when you feel SO low and he makes you feel SO small. The problem is that he’ll never let you get any higher, or any bigger. You have to find the space for yourself. And you can do it. Almost everything grows from the ground up.

Maybe if you got rid of your husband you would feel better. I'm sure of that.

I just saw the part you need to feel better before you can do anything in terms of DH, you won't feel better while you're with him, this is why you are feeling like this and your child is learning from him, the cycle will continue unless you get rid of him.

I’m guessing your DH/marriage is one of the big reasons why you’re depressed and why your mental health is bad.

It’s a catch 22 situation because you won’t feel better whilst he is there bringing you down and abusing you.

Your children are also taking their cue from him on how to treat you.

I think it’s likely they have heard him call you a ‘weird little bitch’ or other things.

Your DH was vile and his attitudes will unfortunately be picked up by your DC. As PP I’m concerned about him and it could be easy to start to focus on DD instead of the real issue.

Get the practical help and support you need to get out, you can’t heal when you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, the strength will come from leaving it.

DD is a child and DC do these kind of things (how it is expressed may depend on various individual factors as well such as personality, neuro diversity).

I appreciate it can feel horrible and to some extent you need to try to not take it personally as it’s likely to continue in different forms into teens as part of her developing separate identity from DM.

It’s helpful if you can wait until you are not in an emotionally charged state and tread carefully around how you use this as a teaching point as it’s a fine balance of teaching and shaming (even though shaming isn’t intended).

How much IRL support do you have OP? Have you contacted outside agencies?

If anything like this happens again calmly explain to your DD, in front of others that you don't appreciate her interrupting you & correct her when she is wrong then pack up your things & leave so she knows you're not putting up with her behaviour. Work on your self confidence too as it sounds like you go to panic mode quite quick.
As for your husband, he's a Dickhead just ignore him.