My DD (8) always embarrasses me

[Struggle1]

I’m really upset right now, I know part of it is as I’m feeling depressed and my mental health is very bad but I feel any happy days I have my DD “sabotages” them. I know it’s part of being a child but I’m fed up of it now.

An incident happened earlier today where I was chatting away to a lovely lady at an activity. I felt good today, I’m usually very anxious and shy/introverted but today I thought I’m going to make the most of it and forced myself to interact with people and stop isolating myself. The other mum and I were chatting and I made a comment and my DD contradicted me in front of this mum (and others mums listening in!) and shouted “NO! That’s not true we don’t have that, stop lying mummy”. My face went bright red and the conversation stopped. I felt so embarrassed. Just for context I didn’t lie about this thing it’s just something small which DD realised later we do have once I pointed it out to her. In the car I explained to DD she shouldn’t interrupt when I’m talking to adults. I feel so embarrassed, as I’m generally an anxious person this is affecting me more. A normal person would just laugh and shrug it off but I’m still thinking about it! DH has taken kids to see his mum so I have a few hours to myself and I’m wasting it but replaying the scenerio over and over in my head.

I tried to talk to DH when I got home as I was feeling upset but his response was he doesn’t care and doesn’t have time and has to take his dad somewhere. He called me a weird little bitch (kids were in car and didn’t hear).

Absolutely this.

Am occasion or two of your daughter being firmly put in her place in front of whoever you were speaking to will soon cure her!

Your husband is a whole separate issue.

Oh dear op, I have three dds and they've all gone through phases of contradicting me in public 😅 it's very annoying and can be abit embarrassing especially when they're always right and you get caught lying through your teeth but hey ho, that's kids for you and all that. Now they're getting abit older they've wisened up to things and go with the flow when their mother appears to be embellishing the truth 😂

Your dh on the other hand. 😱 I mean did you have a massive fight , or did he just casually call you that and walk off? What did you say before that, how did you react to this? Don't worry about your daughter. It's him you need to worry about.

@strawberrycheesecakey i came home and needed to talk to someone and I tried telling him but he wasn’t interested. I told him I’m upset and would like him to listen to me. He told me he’s late to see his mum and I took too long at swimming and should have been back 20 minutes ago, the then called me names and said he doesn’t have time to listen to my crap as his parents are waiting to see the kids. They got back at 10pm yesterday, kids were exhausted and my little one had a temp and I’ve been up all night with him. I’m so fed up.

99 problems...

What are you doing about your anxiety? Have you talked to your doctor about this?

Does your H often talk to you so disrespectfully?

If your daughter has heard him speak to you like that, it's little wonder she felt so free to put you down.

You need to identify the real problem here.

Either get the fuck RID of that awful husband of yours or you tell him not to dare talk to you like that again or he’s gone. I have absolutely no tolerance for people like that. Who the hell does he think he is? He’s setting a great example to your daughter. I can’t believe the shit people tolerate.

I’d be more concerned about being called a weird little bitch by your DP.

Your DD says these things to you because she’s learning them from your DH. Children learn by example. He denigrates you, she denigrates you.
You need to find some support to work through this, but your relationship with your DH sounds very troubled.

Try emailing Women’s Aid - send them a link to this thread if you like but explain your self esteem issues and the way your husband and now DD talk to you. It sounds like abuse. They can be busy so a email might work better for you. The email link is further down the page. Don’t tell your husband, or daughter, what you’re doing. Good luck. Take care of yourself.

Women’s Aid

Your anxiety is linked to how your dh treats you. You would feel much better and calmer away from him.

although that may seem overwhelming at the moment, take some small steps. Do you have anyone you can talk to? Start imagining a life free from that kind of abuse. Think about finances. Where you could live. Think about work, if you can.

think about it first, then you can start taking some steps to make it real.

It’s difficult trying to make such a huge change when I’m feeling so low but I do get what you all mean.

Very harsh. I don't agree sometimes my child behaves like this in a show off way. OP your DD is 8 and you are the parent call your DD out on the spot. Say "please do not involve yourself in adults conversation as it is rude and bad manners" children need to be pulled up on the spot!

As for your partner he's just as silly!

With a decent man I'd suggest finding a time to talk where you both have ample time to open up. And where you've both done a bit of self care so you aren't going in hungry or tired... But he isn't a decent man and he doesn't deserve you.

you won’t feel better until you do something though! You can’t sit there being verbally abused, hoping something will change. You need to ditch him and work on yourself. You will gain strength and confidence and your daughter will look to you as an example, instead of her abusive dad. I truly wish you the best. I did it myself!

DD is obviously used to seeing DH talk to you like crap and she is doing the same, she has no respect for you. You need to establish boundaries with her, and him. They see you as a shy little mouse and have gotten away with treating you like shit.
Also, DD is used to having your 100% attention and was probably jealous when she saw you talking to somebody else and that she wasn't centre stage for a change, hence her chipping in her two-penneth. You need to firm up with then both.

Agreed.

Yes I know I have bigger issues than what my DD says to me but in all honesty I need to feel better before anything changes in terms of him.

It appears it’s easier for you to focus on your DD rather than your H. Which means your DD becomes the scapegoat for the bigger insidious issue or your obnoxious H.

I think DD is taking the lead off her DF when it comes to you and how she behaves. Kids pick up on and hear everything. If she has picked up on the way your DH speaks and acts towards you then you need to think about your relationship with him. He sounds abusive and your daughter is following suit. You don’t deserve this. Get rid of that nasty prick of a DH and work on your daughter’s behaviour. Both of them taking you for a ride.

I don't think it is possible for you @Struggle1 , "to feel any better before anything changes in terms of him".

To begin feeling better about yourself you will need to learn at least how to challenge your DH or at least respond to him calmy without feeling guilty whenever he criticizes you.

You'll feel better when you change him.

You won't feel better UNTIL you leave him.

Women lose their whole lives like this. Children lose their childhood in abusive households like this.

No wonder your DD questions/back chats you.

She’s learnt how to treat you from her dad.

Why would she show you respect when you don’t get it from your own partner.

Its not her fault, this is what she has learnt.

No wonder your MH is in the toilet.

Please end this awful relationship.

I don’t think you should wait to feel better before you do something about your husband, because whilst you are living with an abusive partner, you will never get better. I know because I have been in that situation so speaking from experience. Sending empathy hugs to you as I know you cannot just face up to him and/or leave, you need help. So please contact an organisation that supports Victims of Abuse to help you understand and deal with your situation. My child also copied my ex and disrespected me, it’s what happens.

You need to learn some coping strategies.

Such as at the time of event:
"Darling don't interrupt when I'm speaking."
"Darling we'll discuss this later. You're being rude."
"No, I'll explain it to you later."
"Come outside now."

I think if you're anxious you need to put a time gap space before you speak to your daughter, to collect your thoughts.

You've managed perfectly well on this occasion to think through why your daughter got it wrong - which means you can explain it to her later acting as the adult and parent.

You can explain what's rude and disrespectful.
At age 8 you can also explain diplomacy towards all people, as well as family.

You should also know that generally all mums support and reassure each other when dealing with their children in a group.

HOWEVER, what concerns me most is a lack of respect towards you in your family.

Your partner called you a "weird little bitch"??????????

Children pick up on and watch every little thing, including body language and exchanges between adults.

They were inside the car - you know with windows - and even if they didn;t hear (they did) they saw your husband treat you with complete disrespect. Bet that's not the first time.

Where do you think they're learning their behaviour to disrepsect you?

You need some support and validation and confidence as a parent.

I've just googled parenting classes and support.

theaimgroup.co.uk offers free qualification courses in better parenting.

Family rights group also offers free advice and guidance.

I think if you read up a bit, you'd understand it's not you - that you all contribute to your family dynamic.

And if you approach it in a more pragmatic way, as in relating to text book bad behaviour and how it should be approached professionally, it might give you the confidence to be more assertive.

Willing to bet every single course or advice topic you look up - a fundamental is two parents acting as a team and supporting each other, when it comes to expected good behaviour from children.

Have faith in yourself. Your husband sounds less than wonderful as a co-parent.

Op, I think that where as I understand your embarrassment and the need for your child not to get involved in your convo but this is what kids do sometimes.. I don't know why you have taken this as badly as you have and in your post you reference your child trying to sabotage your good day but this is really an awful way to see your child and what's more worrying is you are more offended by this then your partners behaviour. I don't believe as others have said your child is copying your partner.. my guess is your child is just being a typical child however that's not to say the kids don't learn poor behaviour in the home when they see one parent being abusive to another but what you have described is something kids do all the time, now thats not to say you dont have an issue with the way your partner speaks to you!! please remember your child is not out to get you , your child needs you and your love and loves you more then anything I'm sure. On a separate note you need to consider why you are with a man that's obsessed with pleasing his own mum , so obsessed not to be late for her but can't show you an ounce of respect in how he talks to you, to be perfectly honest it doesn't sound like he was just too busy to listen to you, it actually sounds like he's the one trying to sabotage you(using your own lingo here) but doesn't look like you see this...

Yes!
If your husband treats you this way, then your daughter has picked up on it. If she does it again, punish her. Take her to one side and tell her there are consequences for her behaviour, and carry them out.
Tell your husband too that this is the case, and he needs to treat you with more respect too.