My DD (8) always embarrasses me

[Struggle1]

I’m really upset right now, I know part of it is as I’m feeling depressed and my mental health is very bad but I feel any happy days I have my DD “sabotages” them. I know it’s part of being a child but I’m fed up of it now.

An incident happened earlier today where I was chatting away to a lovely lady at an activity. I felt good today, I’m usually very anxious and shy/introverted but today I thought I’m going to make the most of it and forced myself to interact with people and stop isolating myself. The other mum and I were chatting and I made a comment and my DD contradicted me in front of this mum (and others mums listening in!) and shouted “NO! That’s not true we don’t have that, stop lying mummy”. My face went bright red and the conversation stopped. I felt so embarrassed. Just for context I didn’t lie about this thing it’s just something small which DD realised later we do have once I pointed it out to her. In the car I explained to DD she shouldn’t interrupt when I’m talking to adults. I feel so embarrassed, as I’m generally an anxious person this is affecting me more. A normal person would just laugh and shrug it off but I’m still thinking about it! DH has taken kids to see his mum so I have a few hours to myself and I’m wasting it but replaying the scenerio over and over in my head.

I tried to talk to DH when I got home as I was feeling upset but his response was he doesn’t care and doesn’t have time and has to take his dad somewhere. He called me a weird little bitch (kids were in car and didn’t hear).

This is exactly what's happening.
And @Struggle1 you have been so badly weakened by the way your H treats you, you can't defend yourself against an 8 year old. Instead, you sat there going red and getting upset.
You should have told her sternly "you do not say your mummy is lying, that's not OK. And you're wrong DD, what I said was true".

Your husband had zero respect for you and sees you as someone lesser and wrong. Your DD is treating you in the way she's learned to. If I were you I'd take your DD and get yourselves away from his toxic influence so you can teach DD that you are a person worthy of respect, because this will get worse not better, from both of them.

Your daughter is a red herring. The real issue lies elsewhere and you're unlikely to feel better whilst you remain tethered to him.

You will never feel bbetterwhile still in this situation.
And your children, however bratty, deserve to have their wellbeing put first.

How are you ever going to feel better in an abusive relationship??

You are never going to feel better with him if he speaks to you like that. Your children will be picking up this awful behaviour from him, please protect yourself and them from this abuse.

It’s obvious where your dd learned her disrespectful behaviour op. I’m sorry but the minute anyone called me a “wierd little bitch” they’d be out of the house, or I would, with my dc with me!

The only thing that stood out to me was your husbands comment. You said you children didn’t hear but I promise you they do and they will see that as an acceptable way to talk to you in public. That’s not normal in any relationship

You can work with your DD to change things hopefully.

But your DH is another thing, he sounds nasty and it looks like your DD is picking up behaviour from him. He needs to go.

Given what your husband called you and the manner in which he treated you I have to say I’m surprised your eight year old daughter’s behaviour is in fact the subject of this thread.
he doesn’t have your back
you don’t have his respect

I agree with pp that your daughter is learning to put you down by her father.
Your dh is the problem here. You can show your dd that you (and she!) deserve to be respected, by not putting up with any more disrespect in your marriage. I know it’s not as easy and simple as leave him. But that’s what you need to start planning to do x

Your DD may have done you a huge favour here. It took my friends 4 year old DS calling her 'idiot' in direct imitation of his dad to make her realise she had to stop this behaviour going down the generations and raising her own future abuser.

Don't leave it too long. The longer you stay with this man the more time your DD has to pick up his ways.

It will get harder to change things with her if you leave it too long.

Agree with the posters who have said your husband is the real problem here. The way he speaks to you is terrible and it is clearly having an impact on how your daughter, if not both your children, think is an acceptable way to speak to you.

That’s a really hard situation to be in, but if he is this way with you habitually, the children will follow suit and it will get worse as they get older.

You have a DH problem which is being passed on to your DD.

It sounds like you could do with some assertiveness training. Learning how to stand up for yourself in the moment. If my DH called me anything like that I would react very strongly in the moment. 'How dare you call me that ' ..etc.

You probably won't feel better whilst in you remain in your relationship.

You should just sharply correct your daughter at the time. No need to be embarrassed

Exactly this.

Your daughter and your husband are fucking rude!

Isn’t it crazy how the real problem is nestled right there at the bottom. You have a massive DP problem and that’s most likely where DD is getting it from.

I'd be willing to bet if you changed the him aspect of your life your mental health would VASTLY improve.

Amen

I feel for you OP. This quote springs to mind:

“Often father and daughter look down on mother together. They exchange meaningful glances when she misses a point. They agree that she is not bright as they are, cannot reason as they do. This collusion does not save the daughter from the mother’s fate.”

At 8 years old, your DD should know better. My DD5 knows not to interrupt unless it’s important, especially not to say something like that. I do agree with others, I would have corrected her right there and then. Maybe even told her it’s rude to interrupt aswell; embarrass her back. You need to be able to nip this behaviour before it gets worse.

Nailed.it

Be firmer with your DD and get your 'D'H fucking told - he's a vile cunt and I hope you don't stand for that shite regularly

@Struggle1 i think part of the issue is you won’t start to feel better while your exposed to his treatment like this.he is one of the reasons you are feeling like this and until you connect those thing in your head things won’t feel better.

you need to separate yourself emotionally in the short term so you insulate from rather than absorb the treatment so you can build some resistance and strength to be able to take next steps.

I think your focusing on dd behaviour because that’s something you think you can control as theoretically you are in a position of power in that relationship meanwhile ignoring the treatment from your partner as that feels like you are not in control there and not in a position of even equality never mind any power.

maybe have a think clearly about you situation and start a new thread so you can get some proper advice as this thread I think only cover a little bit of what’s really going on.

just to add though no one should ever talk to you like that, ever!

My dd (12) was walking along with me and purposely farted, im sure she knew parent and child from the activity were behind us!
My youngest (9) always ends up crying at minor hurts and has done so the last 3 parties i picked her up from. So there i am trying to chat to another parent and she is there crying (its like still having a toddler).

However my dp is always making up white lies and its infuriating as im always accidentally correcting him ( as he is ocften equally telling people incorrect things)

So perhaps your dd is a bit pedantic.

Be more assertive with your daughter, YOU are in control not her. Next time call her out infront of the other mums, say in a firm voice “No darling that’s not right…and explain why. Or simply say firmly “It’s rude to interrupt while Mummy’s talking to adults” If she does it again, have a consequence in place.

You’re the parent, you are in control.

The real issue is your husband calling you a litttle bitch. That’s weird.