Do toxic people know they’re toxic?

[Betternowthannever]

Just that! Do they know they are toxic? Do they intentionally hurt others or are they a victim of circumstance? Did their upbringing or an experience make them this way?
My DF’s family are highly toxic, as was he. I’m just trying to work it out in my head…. Do they know or are they so engrained in this life/ behaviour that it’s just normal for them? Like a pattern repeating itself through the generations?

Oh this is a really thought provoking question!

I don't think they do tbh, the most toxic person I know has always had massive fallings out with (everyone) but its never (always) their fault. I genuinely don't think she knows or cares how her behaviour affects others.

everybody is somebody's "toxic".

No, I think they are convinced that other people are to blame.

Wolf in sheep’s clothing are the most toxic of all.

Those that acknowledge their toxic traits are far less toxic than those that don’t.

No of course not. Toxic people by definition have disordered thinking and don’t. Know that their behaviour is problematic.

No I don't think they do. For them
it's a way to get through life the only way they know how to. Reflecting on the way they behave would be too confronting and difficult I think.

Oooh I love this.

Honestly I think most of us have very little introspection of our own toxic traits.

But what is toxic really? Another modern label. There’s good and bad in most and some people are unfortunate enough to bear the brunt of the not positive aspects of someone’s personality and assume they’re the world’s worst. It’s like people who say they’re people pleasers, I don’t believe there’s such a thing really

I have been toxic in the past. Didn’t realise the extent at the time but knew what I was doing wasn’t right. In hindsight I can’t believe that person was me

Based on my sister, No. It's always someone else's fault.

I always thought they hurt me intentionally and deliberately acted the martyr/toxic. It kind of helps to know it’s not always that way.
They always did blame me or others for their behaviour and words.
It’s had a profound affect on me, I worked so hard to not be like them, that I’m not sure of my true self.

IME no. They seem to be the least self aware people. Or maybe being unselfaware makes you toxic?

But ‘toxic’ is a broad church, so generalizations like this unhelpful!

@stayathomer good question.
I see some toxic traits in myself and I know I could be very controlling if I allowed to be. It’s something I need to keep in check and a part of me I really dislike. It probably stems from my insecurities.
I suppose toxic to me is, blaming others for your own misfortune, constant lies, playing one person off another, martyrdom, controlling, abusive, sense of entitlement and always stirring up drama…. And just loving the fall out.

I don’t think my inlaws realise they are toxic. They use emotional blackmail to get people what they want. They don’t realise that’s it’s deeply manipulative. They think their wants are more important than other people’s autonomy over their lives.

I think it's a mix of circumstances, and how self aware they are.

@FloatyBoaty yes, I agree it’s a broad term which means different things to different people I suppose and is probably misused quite often for trivial personality traits or clashes.

Exactly! Some people just seem to behave badly towards a few "friends", for whatever reason, and seem perfectly lovely to others, which is quite baffling. I've known a few people like that.

I'm quite toxic sometimes; I keep myself to myself to avoid slipping into this mode.

I honestly think sometimes it can be a mental health issue so I would say there are ppl who know they are doing it maybe not at the time but when they reflect ..I’m probably one of them for me it’s mt anxiety

I think it depends..I look back on my marriage and I realise my behaviour was toxic at times. I’d say in my defence that he was abusive and we bounced off each other. I’m very different since we split and I’m much happier and nicer now!
However, if someone persistently gets ‘wronged’, people ‘bully’ them, they have loads of people who refuse to speak to them…you constantly feel uncomfortable in their presence and they lie and manipulate, you have to recognise that they are the common denominator! People like that don’t see it though. ExMIL is like that. I believe that’s part of the reason XH is as he is, attachment issues! She always has an excuse for anything that happened. She rewrites history to suit her own narrative and I think she genuinely believes it. She has no idea she’s toxic and she never well. I’m very glad I don’t need to speak to her any more!

Yeah, I'm the same - I get anxiety and it can turn me into a complete knobhead if it starts up 😁

I think we all have some unpleasant traits, to a certain extent.

But truly destructive people are incapable of acknowledging their flaws, from my observations. It's always about how other people made them do things, or how they were provoked, or other poor me narratives. Over time, it builds up so it becomes literally impossible for them to accept any wrongdoing because the whole house of cards would come crashing down.

The classic example is how every single one of their exes was crazy. Unlikely anyone would be that unlucky.

Exactly that it got so bad for me I snapped at work so instead of staying in denial I got help with talking therapy from my drs it was a great help it tought me coping mechanisms

I don’t think they do. And they often don’t have the emotional IQ to explore why they are, and to do something about it.

I disagree with the majority - toxic people can know they are toxic. For example those who apologise for what they do but keep doing it or those who preface what they’re doing with “ I know I’m a pain/lucky to have you”. You get those manipulative people that threaten suicide etc “I know I’m difficult but if you leave me I’ll…”