Pissed off at friends birthday plans

[Alarmingghhh]

It's a big birthday and she wants to rent out a space in a poshish bar, I had heard all about it, sounded good, I told her was available to come etc.

Well she's just sent us all our invites and she is charging a fee basically to cover the cost of reserving space. You do get something for the price aka your "ticket" includes 2 drinks, but I just think its really cheeky?! She has savings so it's like use your savings or else lower your expectation?!

Wouldn’t bother me.

£15 is about the going rate for 2 glasses of wine. It means the bar get their guaranteed income from allowing exclusive use of the space. And the party will be more fun for having s private space.

I always expect we will pay for food and drinks if a birthday get together is in a bar or restaurant. None of us are wealthy enough to host everyone.

Many nice bars take a deposit to reserve a table I think this is similar. A bit annoying if you genuinely won't enjoy wine but i wouldnt mind paying £15 to ensure we had a space rather than trying to find big enough table somewhere nice on the night.

She is wrong to crowdfund for vet bills unless she genuinely has no other option but sounds like she had savings and i wouldn't contribute to that. But for the bar space for birthday alone i dont think she is unreasonable

Not sure why people aren't understanding the op. She's not annoyed at paying for her own drinks it's the fact that "friend" has turned it into a ticketed event to avoid paying the room fee. If you are hosting a cash bar event surely the cost of the room fee is on you or have it somewhere free? I'm with you, I wouldn't want to be told you are drinking wine...that covers a wide range of drink from bog standard plonk vinegar to decent wine that costs more. I'll bet the 1st is the option available

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable, I would not go. You need to find your self-respect and decline. You've allowed her to take the piss for far too long.

Once she invited a mutual friend over for dinner and it was just slices of cheddar and carrots.

She sounds like a real nasty bitch. Why are you friends with her? I'd do a fade. And make excuses when she wants to meet up.

Yesterday she texted me to say a friend (who I don't know) had turned down her invite and had a go at her about it

That is the perfect opportunity for you to say 'actually, I agree with friend, I think you are being grabby and rude'.

You really need to put your big girl pants on and say NO. Get her out of your life.

Sounds like there’s a minimum spend and she’s ensuring it’s met. No biggie. No one is forcing you to go.

Massive dripfeed.
Anyone who crowdfunded for their dogs treatment is manipulative and greedy and selfish.
If you had a dog (why? Why did you get a dog whose care you can't afford?) and then it got ill and needed expensive treatment and you literally did not have the cash, you obviously now have a responsibility for this animal so you have to do something. But I would be so ashamed, I would be privately approaching very close people, very apologetically and saying "look, I hate to ask, but I am in such a pickle..."
This vainglorious crowd funding bullshit is emotionally parasitic as well as financially. She has the kind of ego who thinks the whole world should all be behind her personal cause and would be delighted to be.

In this case, with the bar, I would say there are various legit options:

1. say to your friends "I want to see you all for drinks on my birthday, let's meet at the pub" and they will expect to buy their own drinks; it will be a bit messy and crowded and not private but you can't afford to rent a space, so thems the breaks
2. say to your friends "I really fancy some slightly swanky drinks and my birthday is coming up too. What do you think about us going in together on booking a space? It would be £15 a head and you'd get some drinks for it. I think it would be a fun night"
3. Just pay for the hire and be generous. Everyone would know you had done it and would be grateful and it would be a big hearted thing to do

Go and pay but don’t buy her a present ?

This is the norm for everyone I know. People pitch in for table/booth etc hire. Give herca wine instead of a expensive present and get yourself your whiskey. On here people have good earnings, but most people can't afford to host and you'd buy the birthday etc person a drink anyway.

If the charge was to get confirmed numbers (people less likely to call off last minute if they've paid a deposit) and the posh bar was providing a couple of drinks each and some nice nibbles, then I would say you're being unreasonable. However, it seems your friend has form for this and you obviously feel that she may actually make money off her party. If you want to go accept the invite but tell her the £15 is her present. (And don't get guilt tripped into paying her vet bills in future.)

No it’s not. You just ask if you can have something else instead. It’s not like they are going to force wine down your neck or hold your 15 pounds hostage.

do people not go out much or something: ? This is very normal. And I’ve never experienced it you can’t choose a different drink

She behaves like this because you all let her. I wouldn't contribute to a gofundme for a dog when the owner has savings. It's ridiculous.

I have experienced it where the host has prepaid a package with their money -so it's a fixed drink offering like glass of bubbles on arrival or special cocktail.

If the bar really does let you have anything at £7.50 value per token then happy days (though rip off if pregnant and not drinking)

But it doesn't sound like host is one for getting a buffet provided or snacks etc!

It's no more cheeky than people who say "oh lovely, I'll be there" and then don't show up. Meanwhile she's forked out cash expecting 40 people (or whatever) and 3 come on the night.

It is not free drinks. You are prepaying for 2 drinks
The fee is not to reserve the room as such
The fee will be % of minimum spend
If you invited 9 others for your birthday and the minimum table spend was £150, would you be happy paying the bill if everyone turned up and drank tap water.
Would you be fine paying the difference if only 2 of the 9 turned up?

It's your choice to go or not. You need to decide if £15 fee, which gets you entry and 2 drinks is worth it to you.
If not don't go. Very simple, very easy and no need for the drama you seem to be making it.
I don't agree that you sound like you don't like your friend, I'd say more fed up than anything which I can understand.

With the crowd funding, if you don't want to pay don't and don't feel guilty about it.
It's her animal she had the funds to pay and needs to use those, others paying for those sorts of bills for her is just enabling her behaviour.

Well I wouldn’t contribute to anyone’s dog even if it was a best friend so I don’t think the pp comment was all that strange

People aren't getting why the OP is annoyed by this (admittedly she hasn't explained it very well). It's not about whether £15 for a couple of drinks in a posh bar is ok. It's about the host pretending to host but actually not and making it all about her ego

Meant to add your friend not being upfront about expecting others to chip into the price is not ok, arrangements where you are asking others to pay need to be stated up front

But that's not how it works....the bar will let you use the space for free but they will only exclude other paying customers if they are guaranteed a certain level of sales. Hence this pay up front for your drinks.....it means people are less likely to back out.

Let's say there are 20 people. So that's £300.
Quite a lot for her to pay out herself.
But the bar will be hoping that once there people will buy another 2 drinks.
If only 10 people turn up, she has paid for 4 drinks each and the bar are likely to only sell half as much extra....but have reserved a bigger space.
If you buy your own ticket you are more likely to turn up.
The bar aren't likely to say its a flat rate £50 for the space as long as you need it, if then only 3 people arrive and they sell £50 of drinks.

She may be a cheapskate the rest of the time but this is reasonable.

OP I understand EXACTLY where you are coming from. How old are you? I'd advise you to untangle from this friendship as once you've noticed you can't unsee.

I too have this friend. She has been downgraded to an acquaintance after decades of this crap.

When we all turned 21 people did different things but lots of people had parties. She was the only person who charged us money to attend. It was the same drama when we all turned 30.

Guaranteed if you did something similar for your birthday then she would be the one meeting you after or sneaking in to avoid the cover charge.

I had a big birthday recently. My husband paid for the room, free drinks and put on lots of gourmet food. My tight acquaintance was there, shovelling food and drink down her throat, at the staff suggestion filled a box with food to takeaway, thanked me afterwards claiming she forgot her gift but would post it. Needless to say nothing arrived.

You didnt HAVE to pay though.you had a choice

I think the snarky posters who are calling down the OP do not have a person like this in their lives.

As a PP said, once you have realised what they are like, you cant unsee it. So what would be a reasonable suggestion from anyone else is seen in a different light when its them. Sharing a takeaway where they forget their purse, again, or make sure that they round down their contribution so everyone else pay for their part of the meal. The ones who will always promise to "get the next one" in the pub but the next one never comes. It really grinds after a while when you realise that not only are they not short of money but that the reason is that they are living on everyone elses dollar.

Short arms, long pockets.

I wouldnt go.

You didn't have to do anything, though.

You chose to do it. If you begrudged it, you could have not contributed a penny.

I wouldn't have a problem with this - the 'fee' would be recouped by ordering two glasses of wine (I think two glasses for £15 is a deal). It'd be nicer to celebrate there than at the local pub for a big birthday.

Re. crowdfunding for vet bills, I'd politely decline!

I was brought up that if you host a party, you pay for it - but that’s apparently not the done thing anymore 🤷🏻‍♀️ YANBU