To refuse to up my hours when my children are at school?

[stayasiam]

I am a teacher working 0.6 (3 days a week)

DH often works away, and even when he doesn’t leaves at 7 am and back after the children are in bed. He does do what he can but realistically isn’t around much. Obviously this means everything to do with the children and home falls to me. The one bit of respite I’ve had is that during school holidays they are in nursery for a couple of days so every 6/7 weeks or so I get a couple of days to myself. This keeps me fro losing my sanity

Obviously when they’re both at school this will change and I’ll have them in the holidays so AIBU to refuse to up my hours or even ask to to 3 days spread over 4 or 5? I really will value a couple of short days a week to get stuff done and just breathe a bit!

Yanbu as you are doing equivalent of full time in any other job during term time.

@stayasiam I know you said he does long days but could your DH make changes to do some pick ups some times? Even if you don’t do extra days? And definitely keep your ‘sanity’ days … everyone needs a break!

It sounds like you have managed to identify your needs to be happy and protect your well being.

Genuinely I congratulate you, all around me are people running themselves into the ground, for what?

Life is for living and living as well as possible. I truly believe happy people make better parents and your mindset will rub off on your children, which is a better legacy than a few quid extra in thw bank.

@stayasiam most working parents get no time alone. This is everyone I know.

But if you can afford it, then 3 days a week certainly gives you more time alone, time to batch cook, clean, run errands, take dc to appointments etc.

I am a teacher working 0.6 too with 3 kids who are all now in school. I haven't upped my hours for a few reasons.

-I don't want to pay for childcare before/after school and never be able to pick up and drop off my kids from school.

-Part time gives me flexibility as my HT happily allows me to swap days on occasion where possible so I can attend my children's school events etc.

-It gives me an opportunity to breathe and catch up on things at home.

-It gives me some time to myself which I feel like I need/deserve.

I work in quite a big school so regularly pick up extra days on supply for extra money but this is optional and I only do it when it suits me. If my HT is desperate at short notice she will let me come in 9.15-2.45 so I can till do school run for my kids.

I am not sure how your husband would expect you to still do school runs on any ways you work. Doesn't seem conducive to a teaching job.

My two are 6 and 10 and I've kept my Fridays. My DH has a chronic health condition that means I'm always the one up with them in the mornings, doing most of the chores. Fridays are my chance to balance that. And I assume as a teacher you'll end up doing prep on your 2 days off. If you don't need the money it's invaluable.

I haven't read all the posts but just to ask how exactly your dh plans to step up when you do more hours? With all due respect, you might be enjoying that time alone but I guarantee you are using a lot of it to do things like cleaning, shopping, meal prep just in your own time, without any additional demands on you. Who will be doing all thay once you swap to this mad dash all over all the time?

Never do 3 days over 5 or whatever. It doesn't feel like 3 days and everyone treats tou like a full timer who is leaving early.

@anon4net most working parents get no time to themselves

I think they do, actually. Of course some don’t but the number of parents who work full time and have their children all holidays and have no one else who takes them is probably fairly small. I’m not of course claiming non existent but small.

And even if it wasn’t, why (genuinely) would I make my own life more difficult because someone else’s is more difficult? Some people manage without gardens but it doesn’t mean I will live in a property without a garden because it’s possible to raise children without one. OK, bad example but you get my meaning I am sure.

The options are

Work three days spread over five: responsible for all pick ups and drop offs, treated as a FT member of staff on PT pay, and always rushing and stressed.

OR

Work three days spread over three. Kids in wraparound for three days a week. Two days to clean the house, see any friends, get my hair done, exercise, pursue hobbies, read, watch tv. Enjoy life a bit. And … why not

I went up to 4 days after youngest started at preschool and got myself a cleaner four hours a week.

Main motivator for me was I love my job and I wanted a promotion, the cleaner was to counter the fact I used one of my non working days just to clean the house and actually my life has improved significantly now I’m not spending all that time cleaning and also I’m in a work setting earning money!

My Fridays will always be mine, but on the whole, four days is nice.

When does your DH get time to himself? If you step up more hours will he have less pressure on himself financially? As the main (female) breadwinner I am exhausted and would love some time to myself!

Work as little as possible, your dh just isn't around.

At the moment the children do an activity on Saturday afternoons which is an hour and fifteen minutes to get there so DH gets this slot if you like undisturbed. They also go to church every last Sunday of the month for a family service so he gets a couple of hours then.

I do get more time in a sense as my job obviously has more holidays but this does advantage DH: he’s never going to have to worry about covering this time. I can’t really see the point of making myself stressed to make it ‘fair.’ That’s like waking DH every time the baby wakes - no point to it but fair.’

number of parents who work full time and have their children all holidays and have no one else who takes them is probably fairly small.

I disagree with this! Few people can afford to have time not working when children are in school. Its inefficient to have a day off and be paying an arm and leg in childcare other days. I only know one mum who has a day off work when the children are at school, and she earns a lot so brings home more in 4 days than most people do in 5. Most of the part time working mums i know do some combination of 4 or 4.5 days, spread so that they finish early and collect the kids 2 or 3 days, rather than having a full day off to themselves and using childcare other days.

I assume from your DH point of view the point is to reduce childcare costs, which might reduce stress he may feel about finances?

Of course some don’t but the number of parents who work full time and have their children all holidays and have no one else who takes them is probably fairly small

The majority of teacher/school parents I know are in this boat tbh. Not a small minority.

I do have family support in term time but try not to use it in the holidays. There are holiday clubs available if you want to use them.

With respect, you're years away from this being an issue. When I was on my second mat leave I had all sorts of ideas for 'when both kids were in school'. Well in September both kids will be in school. Their ages mean there is far more opportunity for "me" time because I feel less attached to them.

You never know what might happen to your Hs job, he may want to work less or do something different 5 years down the line.

What does he do with his dc at the weekend? Anything? I'm hoping he at least goes out with them on Sundays. Not sure any activity for such small children is worth an hour's drive!
Lots of full time working parents get their respite from having their mum or mil or sister or whoever (note the female terms!) nearby who will mind a child either after school or while they go for a haircut or the odd night out. But also lots of parents don't have that support and gaining time elsewhere is then very important.
The OP will be on a reasonable salary working three days as a teacher, and her contribution to the family through holiday care and what she does on her days off is invaluable.

I started 3 days pw when my first was born. They’re now teens but I’ve stuck with that. The extra money would be nice but we’re ok without it and it means things like kids’ orthodontist appointments etc can be scheduled for my days off and when they were in primary school I could still drop off/ pick up two days rather than them having to be in wraparound every single day. The extra days at home to get everything done just means a calmer household for everyone and I’m still there for them to offload to when they get home, at least some of the time. If you can afford to stick with the current arrangement, then I would if I were you.

I think most people do have some support. I don’t know many people who have their children 365 days a year with no respite whatsoever and work as well. Of course some do but even if everybody does, how does it help them if I follow this example and more to the point, how does it help us?

Childcare costs will be minimal even with a bit of wraparound. Much less than at the moment.

DH doesn’t take the children out alone but we do go places as a family. And divide and conquer where someone takes one child and someone takes the other.

I am not a young mum and I do get a bit shattered! I’m not sure I could keep this up indefinitely!

OP all of your answers involve minimal input, change or assistance from the father of your children. I hope the monetary lifestyle his job provides is worth it!
I know your dc are very young but as time goes on please insist that he becomes more involved with them, or this is your life - doing it all alone - for the next 18 years.

I think I’d focus on why caring for your children is such hard work foe you. Is there a back story? Sure housework should be split, but it seems you find looking after your own exhausting, and I get some do, but I’d focus on why?

Lol. Two tiny children + a stressful job - support from anyone = exhaustion

Oh I do. No apologies for that. They are lovely but one wakes early, one wakes overnight, they need constant supervision, entertainment, cleaning, feeding, caring.

@MistressIggi i am not sure how to take that: I’m not ‘here’ for the money.

Could you take extra cover work 'when it suits you'?

Probably, but why?