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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to up my hours when my children are at school?

138 replies

stayasiam · 27/04/2024 10:37

I am a teacher working 0.6 (3 days a week)

DH often works away, and even when he doesn’t leaves at 7 am and back after the children are in bed. He does do what he can but realistically isn’t around much. Obviously this means everything to do with the children and home falls to me. The one bit of respite I’ve had is that during school holidays they are in nursery for a couple of days so every 6/7 weeks or so I get a couple of days to myself. This keeps me fro losing my sanity Smile

Obviously when they’re both at school this will change and I’ll have them in the holidays so AIBU to refuse to up my hours or even ask to to 3 days spread over 4 or 5? I really will value a couple of short days a week to get stuff done and just breathe a bit!

OP posts:
Zippedydoodahday · 27/04/2024 11:32

You could always send the kids to holiday clubs to give you a break, which would be cheaper than your current year round nursery.

HappyHedgehog247 · 27/04/2024 11:33

I've done 3 full days, 3.5, five short days on starting school and probably 4 somewhere in there when I was an employee. 5 short days was best for time with dc as loved seeing them out of school with all their chatter but 3 full days was much better for work life balance. I am not teacher though.

MistressIggi · 27/04/2024 11:33

stayasiam · 27/04/2024 11:29

@MistressIggi but realistically that’s not going to happen and that’s fine - but if it’s all going to fall on me I do need to make it as smooth for me as possible!

So your dh is either away or comes home after his children are in bed - is that what you both imagined when you decided to have children? I hope he's with them all weekend at least.
Please don't go with the hours split across several days. When would you be able to do some planning in school, or sort out your classroom? That's not sustainable.

SkyBloo · 27/04/2024 11:34

Wouldn't the best of all worlds be one were all this was split between you and the children's dad?

For me personally? No lol. I like the time with the kids. The only way DH could do more is if he cut back his work hours as well, we've talked about it and its not what either of us want for various reasons.

But i should add, DH does his bit and does morning school runs so i can start work earlier.

hottchocolatte · 27/04/2024 11:35

It's fine if you and your DH can afford it and are happy with this. If you have two days when kids are at school will you be doing the housework and cooking?

Original poster
stayasiam · 27/04/2024 11:36

Zippedydoodahday · 27/04/2024 11:32

You could always send the kids to holiday clubs to give you a break, which would be cheaper than your current year round nursery.

It’s possible but I probably wouldn’t if I’m around anyway - wraparound care for 2/3 days a week and me having 1/2 days a week to breathe and get stuff done seems preferable!

You don’t tend to get classrooms when PT @MistressIggi . To be honest DH being away a lot isn’t a horrible and means I can just get on with stuff. I always knew his work takes him away a lot and it’s preferable to Covid times when he NEVER left the house!

OP posts:
memestoanend · 27/04/2024 11:37

Stay as you are but also ensure he takes regular time off in the holidays to give you a break. He gets five weeks, he needs to use them too!!

SkyBloo · 27/04/2024 11:49

having NO time makes me 😭

Does your DH get childfree time when not working? Don't count time you both get like evenings when they are in bed - often that time isn't useable, you are tired after work etc, can't exactly pop to the barber at 8.30pm, choosing between sleep & time for yourself.

LoveWine123 · 27/04/2024 11:50

stayasiam · 27/04/2024 11:29

But how do you find the time @LoveWine123 - babysitters?

Evenings and weekends initially. And now the kids are slightly olde (6 and 9), it has gotten much much easier. It’s just a rough time at the age that yours are at. Just speak to your husband and work it out together.

Original poster
stayasiam · 27/04/2024 11:52

@SkyBloo he does get time to himself. I do take the children out to give him a break from us Smile and his work is more flexible than mine. I can’t make it exactly even as life doesn’t work like that. But I don’t think it’s sensible to make myself exhausted so we’re equally exhausted if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Meredusoleil · 27/04/2024 11:54

Nrtft but I have been on 0.6 fte ie 3 days a week since returning from mat leave when dd1 was born. She is 15 now!!! That means I have spent more of my teaching career being part time than full time. (Don't even mention my pension.)

However I love it this way. Its the perfect work life balance imho and I have no intention of changing things if I can. I think it's actually a big part of the reason I am still in teaching after nearly 20 years!

SkyBloo · 27/04/2024 12:02

I can’t make it exactly even as life doesn’t work like that. But I don’t think it’s sensible to make myself exhausted so we’re equally exhausted if that makes sense.

No but it might help you understand his perspective. How would you feel if he said he'd like to work 4 days a week? Could you manage financially?

From his perspective, you expect him to manage working full time as a parent, so he is probably not sure why if its expected for him, its impossible for you

SkyBloo · 27/04/2024 12:03

Sometimes its very stressful too being the primary earner. He might be feeling that responsibility heavily, and be worrying about money.

Original poster
stayasiam · 27/04/2024 12:06

@SkyBloo it does sound like you’re being a little bit provocative, to be honest. I’m unsure if that’s the case or not.

If I worked three days a week spread across five days a week I wouldn’t make any more money. The only way to do that would be to work full time.

OP posts:
Wonderwall23 · 27/04/2024 12:15

From what you say it sounds like you'd be happier to stick with what you've got.

I work 9 until 3 in a managerial level job (52 weeks) and it's fine. I feel very privileged to be able to have this arrangement, actually. I only have one DC though and a DH who pulls his weight at weekends and respects my job as equal to his. If I have a late meeting he takes time off to cover me, no question.

Don't feel like you can't use a holiday club in school holidays sometimes. And expect your DH to take time off in school holidays and entertain the children without you.

Codlingmoths · 27/04/2024 12:16

SkyBloo · 27/04/2024 12:03

Sometimes its very stressful too being the primary earner. He might be feeling that responsibility heavily, and be worrying about money.

He might. But he doesn’t do any parenting, and there has to be balance somewhere. If I did all the parenting and most of the house stuff and worked 3 days and Dh wanted me to work more, I’d leave for a week and let him handle it all. Tell him to take two days leave and it will be a breeze, since that’s your normal life.

MistressIggi · 27/04/2024 12:23

OP I'm a teacher and our part time staff definitely have classrooms - I mean they will share them with someone else but there still are resources and things you want to do at the end of the working day or the beginning of the next - even to talk to colleagues. I think arriving late and leaving early (and being paid accordingly) is just not a good idea in this job.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 27/04/2024 12:29

Also what about staff meetings and CPD? You can’t miss all of those or your professional development would take a hit

scotstars · 27/04/2024 12:57

YANBU. Slightly different as single parent here but I worked 0.6 when my son started school and havent gone full time since. Those 2 days term time are for housework, DIY, plus my own time for swim or gym. I feel we get to enjoy the weekend instead of being exhausted plus my working days are better as I'll do planning/marking on non working day so I'm not staying late every night.

Workhardcryharder · 27/04/2024 13:08

MistressIggi · 27/04/2024 11:07

This is awful. You expected to bend over backwards to facilitate his working life. What flexibility is he showing?

Show quote history

That’s barely fair, I acknowledge and fully appreciate the SAHP has it harder imo than the one working full time, but in this scenario, she gets 2 days off a week, which is a huge amount of child free time for any parent (most get none). This is likely to cause resentment from him and if I were out the house 60 hours a week I could
understand why

theduchessofspork · 27/04/2024 13:09

They can go to clubs for part of the school holidays.

I’d many any increase in hours gradual.

Allofaflutter · 27/04/2024 13:09

If he ever says right you need to do full time, agree then write the list of all you do apart from work and ask him which half he wants to do?

snorlax99 · 27/04/2024 13:09

I'm not a teacher but I do work part time hours over 3 days. DC is preschool age currently. DH works full time. I have zero intention of upping my hours once school starts. Unless some huge change happens in the next 2 years and we're desperate for the money. I'm keeping the 2 days for all the shopping, batch cooking, cleaning etc so we don't have to fill the weekends up with any of that shit and can enjoy time together as a family. DH is more than happy with my plan. Weirdly, the only person who seems mega keen on me going back full time is my dad for some unknown reason. But obviously it is nothing to do with him.

MultiplaLight · 27/04/2024 13:10

OP on balance I'd stay 3 days and cover pick ups and drop offs with school clubs.

I'd also say that as the children get older, the holidays become more of a rest than a drudge.

7&4 was a wildly different 6 weeks off to 2&5.

Allofaflutter · 27/04/2024 13:11

My gripe is that the man who works full time does it with the grace of the other person, his wife. If you both work full time then he has to step up.