To refuse to up my hours when my children are at school?

[stayasiam]

I am a teacher working 0.6 (3 days a week)

DH often works away, and even when he doesn’t leaves at 7 am and back after the children are in bed. He does do what he can but realistically isn’t around much. Obviously this means everything to do with the children and home falls to me. The one bit of respite I’ve had is that during school holidays they are in nursery for a couple of days so every 6/7 weeks or so I get a couple of days to myself. This keeps me fro losing my sanity

Obviously when they’re both at school this will change and I’ll have them in the holidays so AIBU to refuse to up my hours or even ask to to 3 days spread over 4 or 5? I really will value a couple of short days a week to get stuff done and just breathe a bit!

When they’re home from school though they will be older and will probably be able to play together / watch TV independently etc, it’s not like toddler years where you have to be glued to them. You don’t need to bath them every day either.
Not saying you would have it easy at all, but just that the evenings after school might be more relaxing than you are imagining.

If you stick with the 3 longer days have you a plan to manage school drop-offs and collections?

What's your drop off and collecting plan for 3 short days? You may find having 3 days over 4 easier, with a day off at home too.

Fellow teacher here, work FT and do pick ups, H does drop offs. Luckily I have family support so do get some downtime. DH doesn't work long hours either.

This is awful. You expected to bend over backwards to facilitate his working life. What flexibility is he showing?

Op - I thought the same as your husband did op - as soon as my youngest was in reception I organised my work (my job means I can work as little or much as I want) ti work all the time they were in school. It was shit. For everyone. For me cos I was knackered. For my kids cos I was knackered. And for my husband because we then ended up doing all the errands:chores/admin that I would have got done in the week on my days 'off', on the weekend.

As a single parent, and if your kids do extra curricular, and you work all the hours they're in school with marking etc on top if you're a teacher, then you will end up working 7am -10pm straight through every school day. No life.

Or you could be busier if they do extra curricular.

I hope so @AnotherNightAnotherName , but just the same it’s never getting time to myself in any meaningful sense I suppose. Don’t get me wrong, I love them to bits and I wouldn’t be without them and they are actually lovely children but just some time to actually be would be good!

@Marynotsocontrary the primary school they will attend does have wraparound care. I’m possibly willing to collapse one day so working Monday - Thursday with Friday off but still only being three days (so potentially leaving early Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and arriving late Tuesday and Wednesday or any other variation) but having NO time makes me 😭

Do NOT spread your hours over 5 days! You’ll feel like you are working full time for .6 pay, seriously! You can’t guarantee what your timetable might look like. At least with 3 full days you know you’re going to have 3 full on days.
When they start school you’ll have 2 days a week to mark, prepare lessons, have play dates, do life admin, chill a bit during term time.
Hopefully your kids will attend a school with wrap around care so they’ll be looked after on those 3 days even with your husband’s long hours.
We always have after school meetings, training, parents eves, etc on Tuesdays so my DC were in afterschool club every Tuesday and their dad picked them up when he finished work / had to finish early to pick them up.
ExDP always thought I had it easy because I was off when the DC were off and used to moan about how I was on holiday. It saved us thousands of pounds me working term time only, but he wouldn’t recognise I was still working - just looking after our children instead of teaching other people's! When he is on annual leave he does naff all with DC.
I used a mixture of free / cheap / reciprocal play date activities to make sure I had some alone time during the holidays. It can be done!

When my husband suggested I go full time we had a discussion and I laid out all the stuff I do on my days off. All the washing, shopping, cleaning, life admin etc and I said that he would need to take on half of it and it would have to be done at the weekend. I appreciate this is what lots of people have to do but if you can afford not to it could be better for you both.
If he doesn't 'get it' and fully understand that you work hard - even if it's not all paid work-

• then that's how resentment builds.

I'm not a teacher but I did change from working 3 full days to 5 short days when my kids went to school and it was a terrible plan.

Work definitely expanded because if you are there for most of a day no-one realistically covers for you. It was hard to leave on time. I was always late, stressed or in a rush.

The kids frankly did not appreciate it. They were tired after school and it was not quality time. They enjoyed after school club when we switched to that.

I did indeed have no time to myself ever. I was always rushing from work to kids stuff and often working again when they were asleep and doing all the housework at weekends as I had no time in the week.

Thanks - this is making me think staying at three days is definitely the right decision. Five short days would be horrible. And the longer school holidays will be stressful enough!

As long as you can manage drop/pick ups and using breakfast/after school clubs I would stick to 3 full days to give you flexibility and some time to yourself.

I work in education full time term time and have two primary aged children. It does mean never having time for myself as when they’re in bed I am doing all the things I can’t do in the day BUT the school holidays are such a different pace that it’s enough of a change that it feels like a proper break (even though I have the kids with me all the time).

I have lots of friends who work full time 52 weeks (with 5 weeks annual leave) with children/other caring responsibilities and being term time only feels much easier so I don’t want to complain!

if you can afford it, work less days and have the time for yourself!

Thanks @OliviaHart . They are both preschool age at the moment so I’m conscious hopeful that it’ll get easier but even things like meeting friends and shopping or getting my hair done can be tricky. At the moment I just do it on ‘nursery’ days in school holidays but when the eldest is in school that’ll be harder!

he does assume that I’ll work five days a week but shorter days so I can do drop offs and pick ups which seems to me to be the absolute worst of all worlds - all the disadvantages to part time without the tangible benefit of a couple of days off

See I'd always seen this as the best of all worlds... able to keep job/earn money, but get to do most of the pick ups, maximise time with kids and have minimal childcare costs!

You might feel differently when kids are older OP. Compared to a toddler, school age kids are quite easy. They play much more independently. I enjoy the time we have together after school.

Are you worried about talking to your dh about this? Have you given him a list of the things he will need to step up with (including more time off work for their sickness) if you do more hours?
Obviously if you can't survive financially without more hours that's different.

Wouldn't the best of all worlds be one were all this was split between you and the children's dad?
I thought primary years would be easier than they were. It also depends on your children's needs of course and how they navigate the system - could have SEN, could be bullied etc.

@MistressIggi its a while off yet. I’ll be going back to work after my second maternity leave in 2 months and then I’ll need to be thinking what the plan is for the year after. It’s in my mind because I am going to be struggling a bit with two in different places and thinking how best to mitigate that.

That’s what I do and I work full time (husband works long hours) 😀 I still find time for myself, I go to the gym, etc. Not that I’m telling you to work full time if you don’t have to, just saying it’s not as bad you make it sound and if you prioritise it, you will find time for yourself. You need to speak to your DH though, this thread isn’t going to help you much.

@MistressIggi but realistically that’s not going to happen and that’s fine - but if it’s all going to fall on me I do need to make it as smooth for me as possible!

But how do you find the time @LoveWine123 - babysitters?

Do him a deal. You'll work full time if he does 50% with the kids. It's only fair after all.

Also - be aware, make sure your husband gets some spare time to himself where he isn't working or with the kids too.

Often these issues come up because the part time working parent has built in some child free/work free time and actually the full time working parent gets none, or gets a bit and spends it feeling guilty they aren't spending time with children.

The reality is, having kids takes up time that you had for yourself pre kids - you can claw a bit back by working less while they are in school or childcare, but there's only so far you can do that before it becomes either a financial impossibility OR you get very little time with them.

It doesn't last forever- before you know it you can't extract them from their bedrooms.