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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re something teacher said to ds

133 replies

Mindovermatter247 · 26/04/2024 23:34

DS16 came home from school today in a weird mood, usually on Fridays he’s in a fantastic mood b3cause he hasn’t got school for the next 2 days. He started snapping at me, I asked what the problem was and he asked why we chose to go to Thorpe park this weekend when his GCSEs are soo close. (We are going this weekend) he’s not got his first exam for 2 weeks and I told him he can still have a life around his exams. I did and I did alright. Theme parks are his safe haven, he’s autistic and they are his obsession let alone his hobbie. I asked why he didn’t want to go, he told me he was talking to his friends about it and a teacher told him he shouldn’t be going out to places like that this close to his exams. I pressed him for the name of teacher and he said he can’t remember, he knows I will be calling school otherwise as they have made several monumental fuckups over the years and we have them by the balls, but in an attempt to calm DS down back whilst doing the mocks we asked that no teachers mention about how important they are as he was getting extremely stressed out to the point he was threatening not taking them at all among other things. He has an EChP plan, and we have just got him back to a better place where he’s not as aggressive, he’s working with us to better his studies, so he can prepare. Actually shown an interest in his actual real exams. Aibu to think teachers shouldn’t be telling kids what they can and can’t be doing outside of school. I feel like if teachers keep saying stuff like this too him they are going to undo months of work we as parents and the dedicated SEn support have put in to get home this far. DS hates lying, he’s very forwards and blunt so I’m inclined to believe a teacher has said it, he just refuses to tell me who.

OP posts:
Mumoftwo1312 · 26/04/2024 23:38

I think yanbu that a teacher shouldn't be telling him he can't have fun and relax on the weekend. Downtime is important. I say that as a teacher and a mum. So yanbu overall imo.

But yabvu to be chomping at the bit to find out which teacher is it and complain. "Who told you that son? Who?!" And your poor son pretends he can't remember because he doesn't want the drama. Just back off, take him to Thorpe Park. He needs calm, fun, and downtime, not angry drama

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 26/04/2024 23:39

So 'someone' said something but he can't remember who.... and you're planning on complaining or something because 'you have them by the balls' 🙄 so seem to think they should be in thrall to you?

MultiplaLight · 26/04/2024 23:41

Chill out and enjoy Thorpe Park.

stripycats · 26/04/2024 23:42

we have them by the balls,

Delightful.

whilst doing the mocks we asked that no teachers mention about how important they are

How does that work when he is in classes with others who do need to be told how important the exams are?

TwattyMcFuckFace · 26/04/2024 23:42

It's a shame he's afraid to be honest with you for fear of you calling the school.

I kept a lot of secrets from my parents due to this sort of thing, when all I wanted to do sometimes was open up, talk and have that be the end of it.

Fairydustandsparklylights · 26/04/2024 23:43

I’m embarrassed for you right now. Your poor child can’t even be honest and tell you who said it as he knows that you will humiliate him with your ridiculous reaction. He also realises that he can’t trust you to act appropriately and with respect to other human beings.

The teacher shouldn’t have said anything… but exams are starting in 10 days. He needs to be revising on the weekends and not going to theme parks.

cansu · 26/04/2024 23:46

The fact is that two weeks before exams is a time when kids should be revising. You have decided that it is better for your ds to ride rollercoasters. That is your perogative but to think about complaining about this is utterly ridiculous. How dare a teacher suggest students study before exams! Autistic or not kids need to study. It sounds more like you are offended as you think it casts aspersions on you and your attitude to your son's education.

NuffSaidSam · 26/04/2024 23:46

I think advising kids to be at home revising in the weeks leading up to the exams is fairly standard in schools across the country tbf.

Obviously it wasn't ideal for this teacher to say it to your DS with his additional needs, but I think your reaction is insanely OTT. Perhaps if you were a little more relaxed your DS might follow suit. Him fearing telling you the truth because he knows you'll go off the deep end can't possibly be helping him.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 26/04/2024 23:48

I've spent the last few weeks telling my increasingly hysterical students that they need to have some time off to relax, that their life doesn't end if they fail, and there's always a second chance. Honestly these kids do not need any more pressure right now, they are falling apart under it. Damn right a teacher should not be telling your son not to go to thorpe park. I do wonder why some people are in the profession 🙄

ChangeAgain2 · 26/04/2024 23:50

I don't think the teacher has done anything wrong. It sounds like they were surprised that your child is out and about socialising rather than studying.

Cheerfulcharlie · 26/04/2024 23:56

It's very odd timing to take a whole day out of a weekend for something like this just 2 weeks before important exams. I don't think it's unreasonable for a teacher to pass comment on this. They are hardly preventing it from happening.

Although they can't be revising 24 hours a day, I would be encouraging something very low key and relaxing - and / or sports / exercise -rather then full on sensory overload high energy theme park day.

saraclara · 26/04/2024 23:56

He's not the only child in the school. The teachers will be dealing with many kids in their exam classes, and they can't be expected to remember every child's specific communication line and treat each of them as individually as you want

He's going to be in lessons where the teacher is telling the whole class that they need to take these exams seriously and have revision plans. Because a lot of their pupils NEED to be reminded of that. They can't not prepare the rest of them because one student's mum has said he shouldn't be told this.

Original poster
Mindovermatter247 · 26/04/2024 23:57

Maybe complaining isn’t the best option, I don’t call the school for everything it’s just for anything to do with them putting extra pressure on him, it hard to explain the trouble we’ve had with him in terms of fuck ups the school have made, which they owned up to, before I even knew about anything. Some things we brought to thier attention. He has struggled unbelievably and we have finally got him in the right headspace, even had a meeting with him involved to discuss the plan for his exams. He had pretty much all the input, I only asked one thing. We are also taking him on holiday in the may half term. I have no qualms about the choices I’ve made, it also not good to over prepare for exams. I did my studying for exams the night before and I came out with a’s and B’s. This notion to study non stop, I personally don’t think neurodiverse kids should have to sit exams anyway, it they want to fair enough but some find it extremely challenging and I think coursework or portfolios should be enough. DS teachers said if they did base it off of project etc he’d have better grades than he got in mocks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mindovermatter247 · 27/04/2024 00:00

saraclara · 26/04/2024 23:56

He's not the only child in the school. The teachers will be dealing with many kids in their exam classes, and they can't be expected to remember every child's specific communication line and treat each of them as individually as you want

He's going to be in lessons where the teacher is telling the whole class that they need to take these exams seriously and have revision plans. Because a lot of their pupils NEED to be reminded of that. They can't not prepare the rest of them because one student's mum has said he shouldn't be told this.

Teachers have only been asked not to say it specifically to him, I can’t stop them telling other kids, other kids are not my business. His anxiety was through the roof because every time he wasn’t focused or having trouble with his work teachers were mentioning it personally to him, that’s all we asked to get stopped.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 27/04/2024 00:01

I feel sorry for teachers they can’t win whatever they do / say .

NewName24 · 27/04/2024 00:05

stripycats · 26/04/2024 23:42

we have them by the balls,

Delightful.

whilst doing the mocks we asked that no teachers mention about how important they are

How does that work when he is in classes with others who do need to be told how important the exams are?

This.

YABcompletelyU

ChangeAgain2 · 27/04/2024 00:06

@Mindovermatter247 what are you doing to reduce his anxiety? Has he got access arrangements in place?

Original poster
Mindovermatter247 · 27/04/2024 00:10

ChangeAgain2 · 27/04/2024 00:06

@Mindovermatter247 what are you doing to reduce his anxiety? Has he got access arrangements in place?

Yes, we’ve just arranged everything to help him, what time he’s arriving at school, who’s meeting him, where he can go when it’s too much, everything, that’s what our meeting was for. Everything’s in place, the SEN teacher that took over his care (the previous one was useless, and the one before her got promoted but has helped us immensely) been a godsend. She’s on the ball and everything my DS asked she’d already had a plan in place.

OP posts:
JudgeJ · 27/04/2024 00:11

Floralnomad · 27/04/2024 00:01

I feel sorry for teachers they can’t win whatever they do / say .

They must be praying for the end of Year 11 to come round quickly so you can caress someone else's spherical objects to your heart's content.

Mnetcurious · 27/04/2024 00:14

GCSEs start in less than two weeks, the teacher is right that they should be doing a lot of revision this weekend. Yabu and clearly have form for making such a fuss that your teen is embarrassed and would rather not tell you who said what.

GoodAfternoonGoodEveningAndGoodnight · 27/04/2024 00:14

Mumoftwo1312 · 26/04/2024 23:38

I think yanbu that a teacher shouldn't be telling him he can't have fun and relax on the weekend. Downtime is important. I say that as a teacher and a mum. So yanbu overall imo.

But yabvu to be chomping at the bit to find out which teacher is it and complain. "Who told you that son? Who?!" And your poor son pretends he can't remember because he doesn't want the drama. Just back off, take him to Thorpe Park. He needs calm, fun, and downtime, not angry drama

This
The teacher deserves a massive eye roll and I'd be pissed off too, but if it's on a weekend and he's not missing school, what's the big deal?!
He's entitled to some chill time as well - it's important to revise but it's also important to relax as well.

Zwicky · 27/04/2024 00:17

Why are you winding him up about it? It’s pretty normal not to spend a whole day at a theme park 2 weeks before the exams and most of the other kids will be revising hard. He will know this. You should have just said something like “It will help you relax and you always work so much better when you are relaxed. Downtime is really important and you still have plenty of time to study. Other people need different strategies but we are going to do what’s best for you.” Rather than ranting at him about balls and trying to make him grass on some poor teacher that he is going to have to see on Monday knowing an arsey call is coming for them.

VivienneDelacroix · 27/04/2024 00:22

There are a few issues here. The teacher shouldn't have said anything about Thorpe Park, but aside from that your attitude to the school is awful.

If the school is so dreadful and there have several "monumental fuckups" why have you kept your son there? Have you really decided to keep your child in a school that you feel has been so wrong? Or are you laying it on a bit thick here?

I can absolutely assure you that you don't have the "school by the balls" - they probably have a chuckle about you whenever you call with your latest complaint or demand. You can't ask a whole school of teachers not to mention how important exams are in front of your child! Even if the child has an EHCP and is autistic (as are 2 of my children).

I hope your son gets through his exams without you causing any drama for him - and that you find him a setting you are happy with for Post-16.

NewPinkJacket · 27/04/2024 00:25

The OP doesn't believe in exams for ND kids

The OP also doesn't believe in revision two weeks before they start, because she did all hers the night before and 'turned out alright'.

I wonder if his is a learned anger that he's picked up from the OP? Or if he was rubbing it into his friends that he doesn't have to revise, and the teacher took him down a peg for it?

NewName24 · 27/04/2024 00:26

Zwicky · 27/04/2024 00:17

Why are you winding him up about it? It’s pretty normal not to spend a whole day at a theme park 2 weeks before the exams and most of the other kids will be revising hard. He will know this. You should have just said something like “It will help you relax and you always work so much better when you are relaxed. Downtime is really important and you still have plenty of time to study. Other people need different strategies but we are going to do what’s best for you.” Rather than ranting at him about balls and trying to make him grass on some poor teacher that he is going to have to see on Monday knowing an arsey call is coming for them.

Well said

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