Re something teacher said to ds

[Mindovermatter247]

DS16 came home from school today in a weird mood, usually on Fridays he’s in a fantastic mood b3cause he hasn’t got school for the next 2 days. He started snapping at me, I asked what the problem was and he asked why we chose to go to Thorpe park this weekend when his GCSEs are soo close. (We are going this weekend) he’s not got his first exam for 2 weeks and I told him he can still have a life around his exams. I did and I did alright. Theme parks are his safe haven, he’s autistic and they are his obsession let alone his hobbie. I asked why he didn’t want to go, he told me he was talking to his friends about it and a teacher told him he shouldn’t be going out to places like that this close to his exams. I pressed him for the name of teacher and he said he can’t remember, he knows I will be calling school otherwise as they have made several monumental fuckups over the years and we have them by the balls, but in an attempt to calm DS down back whilst doing the mocks we asked that no teachers mention about how important they are as he was getting extremely stressed out to the point he was threatening not taking them at all among other things. He has an EChP plan, and we have just got him back to a better place where he’s not as aggressive, he’s working with us to better his studies, so he can prepare. Actually shown an interest in his actual real exams. Aibu to think teachers shouldn’t be telling kids what they can and can’t be doing outside of school. I feel like if teachers keep saying stuff like this too him they are going to undo months of work we as parents and the dedicated SEn support have put in to get home this far. DS hates lying, he’s very forwards and blunt so I’m inclined to believe a teacher has said it, he just refuses to tell me who.

Today's Guardian leads on the crisis in shorage of teachers.

There are many causes for this. One of them is very definitely parents who are overbearing and unreasonable

To be fair to OP, she has said she haas no problem with class/generalised comments. What she has raised as an issue were comments aimed at her son specifically.

I will be calling school otherwise as they have made several monumental fuckups over the years and we have them by the balls,

This sums up one of the main reasons no one wants to be a teacher anymore. Seriously, who do you think you are? Get a grip.

It depends. If he’s doing everything he can at home and you’ve asked them not to mention it, and they’ve taken him aside to tell him he shouldn’t be going to a theme park, then they’re being unreasonable.

If a class of 30 kids are all on about what they’re up to this weekend, and the teacher has said that they should be getting revision in and reminded them about how close the exams are, then you’re being unreasonable.

also, your son sounds like he’s embarrassed by how you will react, and it’s making him be dishonest with you. I’m not sure what complaining will get you.

You must be terrified of what might happen when he leaves school and loses the protection and support they’ve given him.
There is next to no support available for ND adults.

I’ve only just read this after my reply. I still think it depends on how they’ve gone about it. It’s really hard to talk and respond to kids when you’ve got multiple parents of one class giving instructions such as “don’t ask them about x” “don’t ask them to answer a question in class” “don’t let them talk to child x as they don’t get on” etc. It’s hard to juggle all of that and teach them and manage behaviour, so sometimes a simple response/sentence is the wrong thing to say, and it’s always the child of the combative parents that you accidentally say something to and get an aggressive phone call/email from.

Following on from others, how could a teacher prepare their students for an important series of exams, yet exclude one from this?!
Your son maybe would benefit from a couple of hours controlled revision every day - organised and in a timetable, I can't imagine how not preparing for significant exams would minimise stress! Yes, he doesn't need to go mad with revision, but a regular and controlled amount would only be positive.

@StasisMom but of course teachers are expected to work their socks off preparing students for important exams (and GCSE are important, they're the doorway to progressing to the next stage) yet they've somehow got to not indicate that these exams are important to a student they teach.

Honestly you couldn't make it up.

As an ex teacher, I dont agree with what the teacher said. Kids need a weekend and downtime.
That said, I wouldn’t get worked up about it. I’d just tell your son that its important he has fun and enjoys things during this time and that there is lots if other time to revise.

Exactly - impossible! Bloody glad I left teaching!

Me too. Sometimes you just need someone to listen and validate your feelings.

Time off during revision is important, but a busy day out doesn't seem like a good idea. Many teenagers would be exhausted after a day at the theme park; this is especially likely to be true for autistic ones. It's not just the missed day of revision, it's getting back into revising afterwards, when he's worn out from the weekend.

At the end of the day you have a boy whose chances of getting through his exams seem pretty hit-and-miss, and teachers who have no doubt put in a lot of hard work over the years and are no doubt pretty annoyed at what sounds like the limited chance being reduced even further by some questionable parenting choices.

Agree that he needs downtime but if I told my 16 yo we were going out for the day this close to exams she'd say absolutely not. Ditto going away in half term. Especially half term. It smacks of selfishness on your part.

I appreciate that he has additional needs but you need to give him the best possible shot.

I say this as a teacher and parent of a teenager currently revising like a demon.

You have the entire summer to have a holiday.

I don't think it's that bad what she said. You sound a bit too pleased at having a poor relationship with the school and the opportunity this gives you to complain to them which won't help your son.

Quite. I don’t think any of the OP’s a’s and b’s were for English.

When you phone the school to complain, ask them if they can let you have a workbook on punctuation and grammar.

Alternatively, leave the school alone. It was a reasonable thing to say and you could have easily dealt with it by having a conversation with your son.

I think his comment to you asking why you’re going is very telling. He is likely seeing lots of other kids buckling down, they’ll be talking about their weekend revision time tables etc. Yet your son is being taken for days and out holidays. He probably doesn’t like that you’ve done this. Other kids getting better parental messages, he’s questioning why he isn’t getting the same. But as long as you were okay revising the night before nothing for him to worry about eh?

One day out on a weekend as a treat bit of downtime for working hard isn't going to harm for goodness sake, as long as he's doing revision all the other times 🙄

You’ve missed the point, he is questioning why he is getting different messages from his parent. Yes it can’t all be revision all of the time but there has to be some sensible parenting so close to exams. He’s beginning to realise that what he is being told isn’t what others are. He’s embarrassed hence won’t say which teacher said it. But he can just revise the night before and he’ll be fine, just like his mum.

I think your DS has finally reached an age when he's comfortable and able enough to call you out on your drama.

He's allowed to feel annoyed and cross about what the teacher said, but he's also shown that by his "forgetting" which teacher said it, that he thinks you ought to shut the hell up and drop it.
Likely he doesn't want to spoil his last few weeks of school with all his trusted adults raging at each other and causing friction. Let it go, and enjoy Thorpe Park.

Presumably, your DS is soon to venture off into the world on his own. You need to let it happen, without this "I'll kill you all!!" attitude to anyone to causes him the most minuscule of upsets.

I wonder whether his teacher told him that he shouldn't be going to Thorpe park or whether there was a comment about revising this weekend. I've been advising that my own classes do small chunks of revision and then have a break, watch a film or go for a walk. Then get back to revising after a decent break. Are you sure that the teacher actually said it or was your son making up his own mind about his revision? Maybe he wants to revise as advised rather than cramming at the last minute and this was his way of telling you of his own priorities. He has got plenty of time after the exams to go to Thorpe park but only two weeks to revise for his exams.

I don't think it's sensible that you assume the exam preparation that worked for you (cramming the night before) will be best for your son. A balance of thorough revision, with some down time is usually better. It also sounds as if your handling of issues with the school is adding to his anxiety?

I doubt you "have them by the balls". Even if they seem to be keeping you happy, I can guarantee you are the talk of the school.

‘We have them by the balls’
lovely. So the school know that your kid is the child of ‘that parent’.

But exams are important, no? You can't tell teachers to be dishonest with their students
That said obviously they're not more important than wellbeing (and I think a trip to Thorpe Park sounds lovely, and it's not the teacher's place to dictate if your DS should be going or not)

I don’t think what the teacher said is unreasonable. If you lived nearby and had a season ticket so you could pop in for 2 hours then fine but it’s likely to be a whole day plus travelling. I’m keeping weekends very chill in the run up to DD’s GCSEs.

It has frustrated me that school keep saying to dc they need to step up their revision… when you have a dc doing max revision already, that’s not helpful. Even her form tutor has said my main role will be to ensure dd does take some downtime. I think I want it all over more than dd does.