Re something teacher said to ds

[Mindovermatter247]

DS16 came home from school today in a weird mood, usually on Fridays he’s in a fantastic mood b3cause he hasn’t got school for the next 2 days. He started snapping at me, I asked what the problem was and he asked why we chose to go to Thorpe park this weekend when his GCSEs are soo close. (We are going this weekend) he’s not got his first exam for 2 weeks and I told him he can still have a life around his exams. I did and I did alright. Theme parks are his safe haven, he’s autistic and they are his obsession let alone his hobbie. I asked why he didn’t want to go, he told me he was talking to his friends about it and a teacher told him he shouldn’t be going out to places like that this close to his exams. I pressed him for the name of teacher and he said he can’t remember, he knows I will be calling school otherwise as they have made several monumental fuckups over the years and we have them by the balls, but in an attempt to calm DS down back whilst doing the mocks we asked that no teachers mention about how important they are as he was getting extremely stressed out to the point he was threatening not taking them at all among other things. He has an EChP plan, and we have just got him back to a better place where he’s not as aggressive, he’s working with us to better his studies, so he can prepare. Actually shown an interest in his actual real exams. Aibu to think teachers shouldn’t be telling kids what they can and can’t be doing outside of school. I feel like if teachers keep saying stuff like this too him they are going to undo months of work we as parents and the dedicated SEn support have put in to get home this far. DS hates lying, he’s very forwards and blunt so I’m inclined to believe a teacher has said it, he just refuses to tell me who.

There are several threads on which the OP states she has the school by the balls (for various reasons) and on almost all of them that she doesn't believe in exams. (especially for students with SEN)
With parental attitudes like this, I'm surprised the poor boy is still in school at all tbf.

Is it the same teacher your son swore at @Mindovermatter247 when his friendship group were split up in class due to disturbing others?

@Mamma63637 I have 5 classes this year. One has 5 students with ECHP, one with 3, one with 2. Two with none, but one of those classes has a totally non hearing student.

I'd argue we might know what we're doing rather than that parent who simply wants to let her son absorb her own negative attitude to education.

You've had some horribly unsympathetic responses op. But this is MN, which has zero understanding of autism and the consequences of situations like this for your son. You’re not being precious and neither is your son. It’s not ‘the world revolving around your son’, it’s a reasonable adjustment for his disability to not over exert the importance of the exams and how every waking moment should be dedicated to revision. It’s understanding that causing unnecessary stress under these circumstances can steamroll into anxiety induced burnout, and have a severe impact on him sitting exams at all. I’d probably focus on reminding your son that he is entitled to breaks and pay this particular teacher no mind about their views.

I couldn’t even get my DD to take a day off revision in the Easter holidays so no chance no. So now I probably wouldn’t be going this close to exam season and it’s a teachers job to get kids to revise

My son is doing GCSEs this year. I fully expect the teachers to emphasis the importance of revising and doing as well as they can. I don’t see how they can deliver this message to a whole class whilst omitting one student.
Regardless of whether the teacher should have said anything directly to your son like that, I wouldn’t complain to the school simply because he doesn’t want you to and he’s 16. Perhaps he does feel stressed about the exams and that going to the theme park before they start is a bad idea? My older child used to get stressed about having not revised to the point that he was too stressed to do any revision - I know that sounds illogical!

“You've had some horribly unsympathetic responses op. But this is MN, which has zero understanding of autism.” ^ Might want to view the post above yours then.

I don’t think they’re being unsympathetic I think they are commenting on OP’s aggressive language and having school by the balls comment.

Regardless of autism, there is too much pressure on students these days. Everyone is entitled to a break.

Your DS can revise in the car, if that’s possible or after the day out.

Yeah, OP you're that parent. And parents like you are one of the reasons fabulous, experienced teachers are leaving the profession in droves. More importantly you're the reason recruitment numbers are way below what they need to be.

I would not have taken my ASD Dd to her special interest 2 weeks before GCSE’s.

She’d have been beside herself with anxiety.

There are several threads on which the OP states she has the school by the balls (for various reasons) and on almost all of them that she doesn't believe in exams. (especially for students with SEN)
With parental attitudes like this, I'm surprised the poor boy is still in school at all tbf.

The rigid mainstream system is showing more and more clearly that its structure simply doesn’t work for every child. Including exams. Especially since GCSEs are setting up further exams and then for future work, much of which can be unachievable for autistic people. A teacher cares for results not only because they want a child to achieve, but also for how it’s reflected on them and putting that pressure on children (especially ones with SEN) is completely unreasonable.

I'd argue we might know what we're doing rather than that parent who simply wants to let her son absorb her own negative attitude to education.

And there are many MANY parents of SEN children who would vehemently disagree with you. Perhaps the op is approaching this from a place of anger rather than calming, but too many teachers decide they’re right and it’s the parents who should fully support them at all times. Sometimes both sides forget the welfare and needs of the child in question and those needs will not always conform to what is expected of the education system and its set targets.

Teachers point of view here for perspective op (desperately trying not to form a judgement about you based on your "we've got them by the balls comment").

I teach 340 kids across 14 classes and 7 year groups. 8 of those classes are split classes so I see those kids every other week. In each class I would say on average there are 5 kids with detailed support plans requesting a huge range of adjustments, at least 3 per child. So, not only am I trying to plan and teach 7 different topics across all key stages, remember 340 different children and remember the 15 + adjustments for each class which works out at over 200 reasonable adjustments....that's not even taking into account medical conditions and other non SEN adjustments we're asked to make. That's quite a cognitive load to carry. Add in the mechanics of teaching, ICT and other school commitments and it is easy to understand why a teacher sometimes forgets things they have been asked to do or not do. Try to keep in mind that whilst your only concern is your son and the requests you make are reasonable, teachers are being expected to manage an unreasonable workload so the reality is things will slip through the net.

And I agree with all of that.

Thinking the OP's attitude towards education and her son's teachers is appalling doesn't mean I wouldn't. I do.

In the Venn diagram of the two things though, there's a mighty big gap.

“Everyone is entitled to a break” - absolutely. You may be surprised to hear that the teachers also remind kids to take breaks and have time to relax. My child is currently studying for exams and we also remind them to take breaks and have lots of downtime.
BUT there’s a massive difference between taking regular breaks to eg to go for a walk/out for lunch/watch TV vs taking an entire day to go to a theme park or going on holiday slap
bang in the middle of the exam period.

Not sure why a teacher would be that surprised.
Ime, most teachers know that all pupils are different and need different approaches to exam season.

It's perfectly fine for pupils to take the odd day off, even close to exams.
For some students this is actually a good thing for them to do. For others, it may not be and they need to spend all weekend revising but for some it's fine and downtime can be built into their revision schedules.

The op will know better which approach is best for her child, in general.

I agree that complaining about a teacher and that her child being scared to say which teacher it was, as they fear the parent's reaction is not good.

• “Everyone is entitled to a break” - absolutely. You may be surprised to hear that the teachers also remind kids to take breaks and have time to relax. My child is currently studying for exams and we also remind them to take breaks and have lots of downtime. BUT there’s a massive difference between taking regular breaks to eg to go for a walk/out for lunch/watch TV vs taking an entire day to go to a theme park or going on holiday slap bang in the middle of the exam period.*

Everyone (including children) are different and have different needs and approaches. Some need complete disengagement to properly relax and unwind , some are fine with short breaks.

I thought that too.
He's probably to scared to say it directly and if the OP is telling him she didn't revise and did well feels that saying he wants to revise is a failure
Poor kid.

This. He also needs to learn an important life lesson, that there will be people giving their (unasked) for opinions which he will need to ignore. Your reaction will be valuable in this.

Teacher has different opinion to you. This doesn't need to be a witch hunt. You explain to your 16yo son why you hold a different opinion, and then he makes up his own mind.

Maybe the teacher worded it clumsily, maybe she was too forceful in her opinion - maybe she's a regular human being who doesn't craft every single sentence that comes out of her mouth absolutely perfectly.

So the teachers aren't allowed to have an opinion on what happens outside school, but you're allowed to dictate what they do in school, like not enabling them to talk about the importance of exams to a student who is sitting them?!

Honestly this sort of crap parent shit is why teachers are leaving in droves. If a student is capable of sitting GCSEs and teachers have spent two years preparing them then of course they're going to be important.

You sounds a delightful parent Poor kid probably wishes you'd chill out and back off

You’re right I am a stickler for correct spelling punctuation and grammar! I wouldn’t normally correct it uninvited but the OP was boasting about her qualifications whilst slagging of her son’s hardworking teachers!

I noticed the other day how many parents have requested no homework for their teenage children due to it being stressful for them to get it done. Some of these kids need to do some reinforcement as they are very behind. They often have poor attendance because their parents let them stay home when they don't want to go to school or when they have fallen out with a friend. They often have time out cards so they go out of class quite frequently. They have toilet cards so they go out frequently to the loo. They often can't do their detentions because their parents can't or won't pick them up or they will be off school or they have an appointment. Many of these parents are missing something. Their child is in many ways being disadvantaged. They are getting behind. They are not learning as much as others. They will find self study harder in the gcse years. They will struggle with a levels etc.

There are some kids who definitely need some or all these adjustments to thrive but there are also some parents who are so busy trying to win against the rules that they have forgotten that these rules are in place to help their child achieve the best they possibly can. The OP sounds like one such person.

Also it sounds like your son wants to be in the same boat as all the other kids in his class… there can be great camaraderie and bonding over pre exam stress and sharing revision “nightmares “ and by not doing the same, he’s alienating himself from his peers

You sound like you are cross because you see the teacher’s comment as a slight on your parenting.

Complaining to the school about this is ridiculously out of proportion and not fair on your son who is the one who has to work with these teachers every day.

The teacher will be speaking generally to the class about the importance of revision, as well as taking a break and downtime. Do you want your son to be excluded from this information, thus singling him out?

I despair.

Yes good point rainy. Dd1 and her friends all “going through it together” it’s a human need - why new mums seek out other new mums. Your “no revision for us off to the theme park we go ” approach puts him even further out of sync with his peers.

OP - still planning on going down to the school to complain now?

@Bluevelvetsofa I expect the OP wants that to happen so she can then whine about her ds being singled out!

Honestly, with some parents you just know it's 'those who can, teach. Those who can't, just complain about it!'