Re something teacher said to ds

[Mindovermatter247]

DS16 came home from school today in a weird mood, usually on Fridays he’s in a fantastic mood b3cause he hasn’t got school for the next 2 days. He started snapping at me, I asked what the problem was and he asked why we chose to go to Thorpe park this weekend when his GCSEs are soo close. (We are going this weekend) he’s not got his first exam for 2 weeks and I told him he can still have a life around his exams. I did and I did alright. Theme parks are his safe haven, he’s autistic and they are his obsession let alone his hobbie. I asked why he didn’t want to go, he told me he was talking to his friends about it and a teacher told him he shouldn’t be going out to places like that this close to his exams. I pressed him for the name of teacher and he said he can’t remember, he knows I will be calling school otherwise as they have made several monumental fuckups over the years and we have them by the balls, but in an attempt to calm DS down back whilst doing the mocks we asked that no teachers mention about how important they are as he was getting extremely stressed out to the point he was threatening not taking them at all among other things. He has an EChP plan, and we have just got him back to a better place where he’s not as aggressive, he’s working with us to better his studies, so he can prepare. Actually shown an interest in his actual real exams. Aibu to think teachers shouldn’t be telling kids what they can and can’t be doing outside of school. I feel like if teachers keep saying stuff like this too him they are going to undo months of work we as parents and the dedicated SEn support have put in to get home this far. DS hates lying, he’s very forwards and blunt so I’m inclined to believe a teacher has said it, he just refuses to tell me who.

I've just seen your addition about taking him on holiday in the May half-term. If he's worried about Thorpe Park - imagine how this will make him feel! After June he has over 2 months of summer. Why would you book a holiday in the middle of exams, especially when your child is anxious about them.
My own parents booked a holiday for the Easter before my GCSEs, I was so stressed about missing revision time, I asked them to cancel. They wouldn't, so in the end I got my form tutor to speak to them and they reluctantly agreed to change it, but they should never have booked a holiday at such a ridiculous time.

Exactly this!
In trying to calm her Ds, all OP has done is put more pressure on him. A long day out at a theme park and a holiday slap bang in the middle of exams would cause huge anxiety to any child let alone one with autism.

It doesn't really sound like you are putting your son's needs first here. Going in holiday during important exams is mad.

Totally get what you mean, I have a neurodiverse son also. Most people lucky enough to not have the experience of putting an ND kid through the helll of what secondary school can be won't understand. An insensitive/glib/judgemental comment such as this teacher has made is water off a ducks back for most neuroitypical kids but for yours or any ND kid who's been damaged by the education system and hanging on by a thread, this sort of comment can be like a hand grenade and set you and them back. And it's awful to see their anxiety triggered and spiral. Reassure him and maybe speak to the Senco and ask her to speak to relevant staff asking them to be more sensitive in their comments when around your son.

After early June he'll have a couple of months to go to theme parks. How will you feel if you encourage him not to revise because you want him on rollercoasters because you didn't revise but then he doesn't do very well? You need to keep him calm, encourage study with sensible breaks to relax and some exercise. Give him the best chance you can of success. Your son sounds embarrassed by your behaviour. That's sad.

On another thread yesterday someone said ‘do teachers not have enough to deal with?’ and it’s totally true. Tell him as someone said ‘you need a break and can get back to it afterwards’, the teacher has to say that in case you’re not working (and they do!) Relax op, sounds like you’ve had to fight hard for your son and well done, but this is one of those things that you drop, you can’t and don’t need to fight every person that makes your child stressed (from someone who was that anxious, stressed child x).

edited to add if you can change booking until after exam even better!!!

YABU - it's normal for a teacher to emphasise the importance of revision to their students. I also think you shouldn't be taking your DS on holiday in the May half term.

You are assuming because you did great revising last minute your child will too. That's a big risky assumption, your child is not you and might need a different approach to succeed. You talk about your son struggling with aggression, yet you sound very aggressive in your post. A teacher said he should be studying 2 weeks before GCSE and you apparently have them by the balls and are ready to fly off the handle at them. What do you hope to accomplish by that?

Your son isn't telling you who said it because he's worried/embarrassed by how you'll react with the school. My DDs anxiety would be made a hell of a lot worse by the thought I was going to have a go at a teacher. It sounds like you're really struggling with this, but getting aggressive and angry over a mistake is not going to help your child. In all likelihood the teacher was so surprised they didn't think about their answer in the context of your son. Teachers are human too and if there's no malice to it a reminder of your son's needs is a lot more appropriate then getting them by the balls.

You could have defused this and reassured your son that this is the best revision plan for him, that he needs that relaxed time to study better or something. It would have been a hell of a lot more useful for him then you going off about the school.

I feel truly sorry for teachers really. Now they need to remember this one specific thing to make sure not to mention to one specific child on top of the 100 actually important things to do like teaching.
And they are right, they should be revising not going to theme parks. It could have even been a general comment to a few students.
So now they need to remember to tip toe around not mentioning about some very general thoughts that almost anyone would have right now about a child revising for upcoming exams.

Your son isn't telling you who said it because he's worried/embarrassed by how you'll react with the school. My DDs anxiety would be made a hell of a lot worse by the thought I was going to have a go at a teacher.

That. If your son was made anxious by this teacher's comment, the best way to handle it would have been to remain calm and simply say that he's not to worry about it, that you know what works for him, and that the day out will make him more relaxed to cope with the exam.

Getting stressed yourself and pushing him to identify the teacher so that you can complain, will only increase his stress.

You can’t expect every teacher to walk on eggshells around your son!

I understand why you are upset, it sounds like your family have been on such a journey to get your son the help he needs, and I can imagine hearing this has triggered worry in you that your son will go backwards in terms of his mental health etc.

But YABU to police everything teachers say at school, to take your son's words as gospel truth and to not get that he is one of many and many children needed to be told to revise this weekend. The way you speak about the school and teachers is very derogatory and negative, everyone makes mistakes and you need to chill out.

In my husband's school all of the children needed to be told to revise this weekend, most have done feck all and barely shown up to lessons etc, but he is still accountable for the grades they will get and he still cares that they do their best. Not everyone can cram the night before and get 1s and 2s, most kids who do this approach will not meet their potential.

When you have an ND kid it is a balancing act getting everything right for them. For a teacher to pontificate about what they think they should be doing in the lead up to exams when you've asked them not to do that is massively unhelpful. I agree that you should just leave your son be. But nothing wrong with letting SEN teacher know what’s happened. Hope he enjoys Thorpe park.

Totally this.

To you, your child is the absolute world.

To me as their teacher, they're one of 32 in the room. One of 25 or so a day that I have to try and remember each individual need for. I will make mistakes because no human can remember all this stuff and teach.

I think you need to focus on they ways you may be contributing to his stress. You can control that, you can't control every thing every teacher ever says to him.

This whole interaction between you and your son sounds unhelpful. If you get very stressed about small things that get said to him, you will increase his stress about them, which is not good for him.

The correct response to this would have been something more like 'Yes, I can see why a teacher who didn't know you might say that, but we know that fitting in relaxing things between your school work actually helps you to do better in exams.' Try to minimise, rather than escalate.

Totally agree! Teachers and teaching staff are human beings with feelings! I’ve been had ‘by the balls’ several times (for no real reason) and it’s not a nice feeling and has made me ill several time and I’m not even 40!

OP I understand the stress the comment has caused your son, but this wasn’t a direct comment to him. It’s also vital that he learns from you that people say things because they are under pressure. A gentle reminder that the GCSE results are scrutinised and looked at by senior leadership teams across schools to ensure they are a good enough selling point to get bums on seats! That then transfers to the children with off the cuff comments like this! Please remind yourself of this the next time you have the schools ‘by the balls!”

This is not what’s meant be ‘access arrangements’, AA are specific to the actual exams.

This kind of attitude from parents is just one of the many reasons why so many teachers are leaving the profession.

Incidentally OP it is As and Bs - plural not possessive so the apostrophe is not needed.

You sound like a nightmare. By your own admission the school is trying to support your son with a process in place.

Teachers will be reminding students of the importance of these exams - it's their job. What was the teacher supposed to do? Send your son out of the room every time revision is being mentioned.

I think by arranging this trip and a holiday mid exams you are doing a great job of undermining the school and putting your son's grades at risk. And no, schools cannot just judge performance on coursework - they don't have that power. The exam boards pulled back on coursework elements on most subjects years ago.

No doubt of if your son does badly on the exams you will have something else to go down to the school to rant about.

It is rude to correct people's spelling and punctuation uninvited.

I never understand why grammar pedants have no regard for common manners!

Absolutely this, people with the 'them vs us, they're all out to get you, but haha I have them by the balls, they'll do as told' are NOT helping anyone. You see it across the board in hospitals/health care as well. 'Haha, we'll just lock the door so the ambulance can't get in so they'll just have to stay in hospital while we're on holiday'....

Your son isn't telling you who said it because he's worried/embarrassed by how you'll react

I completely agree-you are storing up all kinds of trouble for the future here. Do you really want your son lying about his life and not telling you things because he’s so worried and embarrassed that you’ll kick off?

He's embarrassed of you. Thats why he wont tell you a name. You are "that" parent

The teacher has told them they should be revising. They should. Yes he can have down time but realistically nothing will get done that day

<adds thread to the list of a thousand reasons why I left teaching - most of them being the total batshit behaviour from parents 🙄>

Just because 'you did alright' revising the night before your exams, does NOT mean that your son (or anyone else) will be 'alright' doing the same. I actually can't believe that you said this to him anyway!! That's a dreadful thing to say to anyone at revision time! Exams are bloody stressful and hard for the vast majority of us, so hearing that you 'did alright' revising the night before is a massive kick in the face! Great parenting 👍 Good job mama! 🙌🏼