Day out with toddler - I’m devastated!

[Roseni]

Hi, I think I’m just looking for somewhere to let it out.
I have severe anxiety, for the last 2 years it’s dominated my life, I’ve barely gone out. My little boy is 2.5 and hasn’t seen as much of the world as he should have. He starts nursery soon and I’m terrified.
Today I took a big step, I went to a toddler group and for a coffee with a friend and her 3 daughters. Her daughters are twins who just turned 2 and a 3 year old.
It was going ok at first, she came and met me at my house and walked with me to the group and I felt ok. Once in the group she helped introduce us to other people but I immediately felt disheartened as several people immediately complimented her daughters (the twins have beautiful blonde curly hair and her older daughter has gorgeous thick light brown curly hair, this seems to attract a lot of attention). Several people told her how beautiful they are. Then to knock my confidence more my son just lost it, he’s never had to share before as we rarely go out, he was stealing toys and screaming crying. It was all too much, my friend told me to step out and sat with my son. She managed to calm him down and got him to take turns. People were probably thinking I’m a crappy mum as I needed my friend to parent my son. I try to teach him manners at home but compared to her younger daughters he was so rude. They said adorable little pleases and thank yous all the time and my son wouldn’t even say it if prompted (his speech isn’t the best).

Then we had to get the bus into town for a coffee, I brought my sons buggy as he is a terrible walker but my friend managed with 2 2 year olds and a 3 year old with no buggy. She told me she doesn’t like having it as they are fine walking unless the buggy is there. For the whole 10 minute bus journey my son screamed and screamed while her girls were just so placid, chatting to an old lady. I heard the old lady say “your friend is very noisey isn’t he, you need to teach him how to behave” and that just broke my heart.
We got to Costa and her girls sat at the table (twins not even in high chairs) with a little snack and drink and they chatted and coloured and were so content. My son had to be strapped in his buggy. As soon as I let him out he bolted and screamed when I tried to put him back in.
The bus journey back was more of the same lots of screaming.
I’m home now and devastated, my friends children who are younger and twins and have an older sibling are so much better behaved, politer, kinder and they are even potty trained at barely two!! All the compliments on how pretty they are that my son didn’t get really ignited my insecurities from being a teen which I know is stupid.
I feel like I never want to go outside again and all the work I’ve put in was for nothing. I don’t know what to do and tonight I found myself thinking “why isn’t my son more like them” and that’s awful!

AIBU to feel this way? What do I do?

Your child really needs exposure to different situations and people before you can expect him to have any understanding of social skills and it doesn't happen overnight. I work with 2-5 year olds and it's a perfectly normal process of development to become overwhelmed by social situations when they cannot communicate their needs effectively. Well done for giving it a go however, maybe quieter garden playdates would be best to start of with so he's not over stimulated by so many new things. Keep trying, he needs to socialise to learn.

@Roseni

You what

Don't take it personally as a reflection on your parenting

All parents have shit 💩 days and times that's just life

All toddlers and children play up misbehave ect
Your son was just like one poster said he was just overwhelmed by new experiences and new people and new envoriments,

You are doing OK, it was good that you are getting out of your comfort zone despite crushing anxiety,
the first step are allways most challenging at times

Tommorow is just a new day

What other things possibilities mini adventures you can do together with your son,
Rember no child is perfect,

just like ourselves

just rember that when next time at mother and toddler group or our about on the bus and someone makes a comment like old woman said..

OP I had my DD first and she behaved so perfectly I thought parenting was easy I'd have another. Then I had a DS with ADHD and goodness almost overnight my smugness turned to despair. My DS was walking at 9 months. He just wanted to run around, shout loudly and I hated taking him out because people would comment 'what a loud boy' or ' he'll keep you busy' and give a little laugh whilst my DD just sat nice and patiently, smiling at people. It took time but he did improve. Your son sounds like a typical little boy. My DC are adults now and my DD has 2 little very active boys of her own and it makes me smile when they like running around and bike riding. They remind me of my 2 DS's.

@Roseni
Sorry about my two typo mistake at the start of my post too...**

Well done for getting out. I have 3 dc and my youngest is 2. We have days where she just won’t play ball too - won’t join in at Toddler group, won’t sit in her chair whilst we have coffee, constant tantrums etc. But I honestly don’t worry about it, she’s 2, they’re babies and learning. I do however remember crying after a baby group with my eldest though thinking everyone must be judging me. But experience and countless toddler groups have taught me they all have days like this and no one judges or cares. Go back to the group. I’m not sure what group this was but I’ve found ones with less structure work for us. When you say you don’t take him out do you mean not playground either? If so, start going to the playground that will be good for him in a less intense environment for you

OP nothing of what you have have said about your son’s behaviour sounds unusual for a 2.5 year old. I have two boys and they are bundles of energy. Despite being socialised from very young - baby and toddler groups, nursery from under 1, I have had trips out where nothing has gone right and they have behaved like they’ve been living under a rock the the time.

It is easier said than done, because we all do it, but try not to compare. Your friend has probably had to put in a LOT of work to get her girls to behave like that because otherwise 3 young children would be very difficult to manage. And you saw them on a good day, clearly, in environments where they are comfortable, relaxed and know what is expected of them.

For your DS it was all new, exciting and possibly overwhelming. He reacted exactly how I would expect. But he won’t always react that way.

you did an amazing thing pushing yourself out of your comfort zone to expand your DS’s horizons and give him new experiences. You should be proud of yourself.

And on the potty training - neither of my sons were trained until they were 3. I really wouldn’t worry about that. Best thing to do it to wait until they are definitely ready otherwise it won’t work and it it super stressful.

He was overwhelmed and it's alot for a first day. But you'll have better days. It's alot to cope with when you're small and having to share.

Keep trying with it.

It was a huge amount to do in one day and also two quite overwhelming activities. Few toddlers will sit quietly in a coffee shop, especially if it's something they aren't used to. A bus journey to a quiet park where he can run around would be a far better option at this stage, creating fun associations. Toddler group then home for some quiet time. It was lin dig your friend to encourage this but not really thought through!

Op the only issue here are 1)caring about what others think, so what if they compliment your friends dd hair? How does that reflect on you? Enjoy the complement for them.
Maybe in time your son will be complement on something and what will that have to do with them?
2) no child is born knowing how to share and behave and even with the most gentle best parenting in the world they may take years to get it. Give the poor lad some time! Toddlers are hard!! I had one beautiful behaved toddler with little pockets of defiance and one 100% challenging alot of the time! Both parented the same way and it's no 2 who has turned out the most compassionate and empathetic one.

3. seriously, forget about it that's a normal day out for most of us! Don't compare except to make sure dc is hitting milestones.

OP don't worry ! It's not your fault. Some kids are just more spirited than others!

My two year old can be an absolute nightmare. We went out for a dinner and a lunch recently and he would not sit down at all. Tantrums when we tried to make him sit.

My now 4 year old had a tantrum every time she couldn't get her way when she was 2 and a half.

It is what it is. They're young children.

Especially if he's not used to it, it throws them off.

Also with the sharing, that's totally normal. It would be very unusual for a 2 year old to just share nicely all the time.

Children can't reason at that age. We just need to model and show them how it's done, but they'll be no two year old who consistently shares well. It's all completely normal!

Don't beat yourself up.

My first child was like your friend's twins. Second is more like your son. All children are different, sometimes it's not even something you did.

All children are different even if parented the same. My dd would have sat lovely remembered her mannered, charmed an old lady on the bus. My ds would have had to be restrained in the bus otherwise he would have pushed the stop button 1 million times, run around playgroup grabbing toys and charging about, and caused general chaos in the coffee shop.

Op I think you did fantastic 👏
And I totally see why it felt easier to stick with your friend and her routine.

I'm going to assume you'll be meeting her next Friday.
Try and get out the house every day between now and then. A walk & the bus, the local park, the coffee shop & bus.

It might be worth trying backpack type reins. Let him put one cuddly toy or a small car in the backpack.

Op you can do this the weather is getting better for getting to the park too.

There have been days when my daughters have been complimented on how well behaved they are and how lovely they are together.

There have been days when they scream their heads off or both have a tantrum in a cafe.

Just because your son was being stroppy this time doesn't mean he will be every time. He will get used to it, you will also start noticing what works best for him e.g. my daughters were often stroppier/tired/hungry at certain times of day, so I planned around it. You'll figure those things out with a bit of practice.

I agree with others saying start small. Maybe a walk to somewhere really nearby, then home. That way you can slowly build up your confidence and practice getting in/out of the house without trying to do too much all at once and have it all feel impossible.

Well done for taking this big step forward. It is okay to have your friend help, we all need help sometimes. Your son will also benefit from having other people help, it's a good thing.

My grandson was a year old when COVID hit. He spent the next 18 months in three lockdowns. He had awful problems every time they were lifted. The first time it was lifted especially. He was scared of me to start with. He screamed all the way round the zoo, bolting in panic.

The solution, keep going out, little trips, short bus rides. Places like parks where you can run safety.

For yourself @Roseni maybe your meds need adjusting for a time. I've been in your shoes its hard but with my GP help I got through it

Get him enrolled in nursery ASAP he needs normality

Also, if a lot of your anxiety is related to fear you will see your abuser, would it help to have a plan in place in case that happens? Something simple like, 'if I see him, I will go into a shop or cafe and call x', or something that makes you feel a bit prepared?

I'm sorry it worked out like that, but please persevere with it! You owe it to your son. He will be able to navigate the nursery/school environment so much better if he has been socialised.
My daughters were very well-behaved when they were little. I am now living the teenage years with them. Enough said 🙄😭🤣

Your friend with 3 kids sounds really supportive.
Reach out to her say thanks for stepping up today, say well done to her for juggling 3 so brilliantly. You need to build the support network you’ve got & aim to be at that playgroup again next week. Message her & say you absolutely loved it & thank her for taking you along. Don’t underestimate how exhausting it is for her & as others have said that was a good day for her but there will have been many more bad ones.
Learn from interactions-compliment others children & you will see they return the praise on you.
Try going to a soft play if you have one near. Good luck you’re doing a wonderful job.

Bless you, it can be really hard. Just take it day by day with little outings.
Foe what it's worth mine weren't fully out of the buggy until over 4yrs. No point making life hard and having to walk slowly when there's things to be done.

Agree that was too much for one day. You must get help though otherwise he's going to end up with his own issues and is going to struggle at school etc.

Look today didn’t go well but it’s a start and will improve. Just keep going rather than retreating back to staying home.
try some trips to the park, little farms, playgrounds,soft play,

Your mum friend sounds extremely kind and unusually organised with calm children. I would suggest you spend much more time with her. I like how supportive she sounds and your confidence will grow.

It sounds like you have been a bit ambitious doing that all in one day when you are not used to it.

Don't compare your son to your friends girls, it sounds like they have been out doing these things all their lives while it is all new to your son. I expect it's also partly down to temperament and her kids are naturally a bit more chilled out.

I have two girls and they are absolute polar opposites. My eldest was a very difficult toddler and was always the one screaming and shouting. I learned early to manage my expectations and keep things simple.

Start by going to the closest play park. Another day go for a ride on the bus. Choose a playgroup and stick with it so he gets used to socialising. Always take your own snacks and drinks to avoid queuing with an impatient toddler. Avoid cafes unless they are in a soft play where the kids can get up and move while you have a coffee. If all this works then you can move on to something more interesting but start really small and always have an exit planned if things aren't going well. Personally I'd stick with taking the buggy.

Even now she is older she is an extremely anxious child which unfortunately I think she gets from me.

My experience with my youngest was totally different. She was a covid baby so I expected problems with socialising but she was fine and would sit happily in cafes etc.

You could be describing my middle boy, but my first was like your friend's daughters. I didn't parent them any differently and my middle boy had a lot more exposure to other kids than his sister did, it didn't help. He did grow out of it, but they'll always be very different people.

Im trying to form my words in the right way because anxiety and I don't want to trigger yours. I know the temptation to just jump back in, to want to be done with it and feeling better, I've done it myself often enough. What you need is little steps and something that doesn't make your anxiety too high. My DD has inherited my anxiety, I don't know if its genetic or learned, I think probably some of both. I've gotten her a lot of support and one of the things they told us was about breaking it down into little enough steps so that it wasn't overwhelming. Had to be below a 4/10 with 10 being the most anxiety you can imagine. So what's a 3/10 for you? Is it a walk around the block just you and DS and the pram? Friend comes to your house for 20 minutes? Take DS to empty park and push on swing for 5 minutes. Just examples obviously but break it way down.

You tried today and found that that was to much for you both and that is 100% ok. You didn't fail in any way, you tried something and you learnt from that. It is ok that it didn't work, it is ok that this is too much right now, it doesn't have to stay that way, but you need a slower process to get you there. That's ok too. You didn't choose to have anxiety, this is just how you feel currently. Anxiety can often get worse during pregnancy or after birth, its called post natal anxiety. I didn't realise that existed till after my second was born and then I realised that's what I'd gone through after my DDs birth. It was horrible and it was so hard.

Whatever the cause its not your fault you have anxiety, it's great you want to take some steps forward and you can get through this and get to a better place, just take things a bit slower, take the pressure off and do one little step, then do it a few times until you feel comfortable or only a little anxious and then do another little step.