Day out with toddler - I’m devastated!

[Roseni]

Hi, I think I’m just looking for somewhere to let it out.
I have severe anxiety, for the last 2 years it’s dominated my life, I’ve barely gone out. My little boy is 2.5 and hasn’t seen as much of the world as he should have. He starts nursery soon and I’m terrified.
Today I took a big step, I went to a toddler group and for a coffee with a friend and her 3 daughters. Her daughters are twins who just turned 2 and a 3 year old.
It was going ok at first, she came and met me at my house and walked with me to the group and I felt ok. Once in the group she helped introduce us to other people but I immediately felt disheartened as several people immediately complimented her daughters (the twins have beautiful blonde curly hair and her older daughter has gorgeous thick light brown curly hair, this seems to attract a lot of attention). Several people told her how beautiful they are. Then to knock my confidence more my son just lost it, he’s never had to share before as we rarely go out, he was stealing toys and screaming crying. It was all too much, my friend told me to step out and sat with my son. She managed to calm him down and got him to take turns. People were probably thinking I’m a crappy mum as I needed my friend to parent my son. I try to teach him manners at home but compared to her younger daughters he was so rude. They said adorable little pleases and thank yous all the time and my son wouldn’t even say it if prompted (his speech isn’t the best).

Then we had to get the bus into town for a coffee, I brought my sons buggy as he is a terrible walker but my friend managed with 2 2 year olds and a 3 year old with no buggy. She told me she doesn’t like having it as they are fine walking unless the buggy is there. For the whole 10 minute bus journey my son screamed and screamed while her girls were just so placid, chatting to an old lady. I heard the old lady say “your friend is very noisey isn’t he, you need to teach him how to behave” and that just broke my heart.
We got to Costa and her girls sat at the table (twins not even in high chairs) with a little snack and drink and they chatted and coloured and were so content. My son had to be strapped in his buggy. As soon as I let him out he bolted and screamed when I tried to put him back in.
The bus journey back was more of the same lots of screaming.
I’m home now and devastated, my friends children who are younger and twins and have an older sibling are so much better behaved, politer, kinder and they are even potty trained at barely two!! All the compliments on how pretty they are that my son didn’t get really ignited my insecurities from being a teen which I know is stupid.
I feel like I never want to go outside again and all the work I’ve put in was for nothing. I don’t know what to do and tonight I found myself thinking “why isn’t my son more like them” and that’s awful!

AIBU to feel this way? What do I do?

I’m sorry you experienced this. My first born was like this, and honestly (and please don’t take this the wrong way), the fault was mine for not taking him places because I had terrible anxiety. But in all honesty I would keep taking him and ignore what others think, he will improve eventually and it’s good for him to socialise with other children. I wish I took my own advice, I had bad depression as I was so lonely as a result of m fear of leaving the house due to his behaviour.

With my daughter, who is almost 2, I did everything different. Group every week since she was 2 months old. She is happy, confident, polite. I do honestly think she’s a product of the different way I have raised her. Obviously their personalities will naturally be a bit different but the confidence she has obtained from groups has really helped her development.

Echoing others who have said well done for trying something new with your DS, that took a lot of courage and you did it! Keep doing it and it will gradually get easier.
I’ve never been to toddler groups as I find them too overwhelming tbh, but would highly recommend outdoor activities and playgrounds for socialisation without as much intensity as an indoor space.
Also, a tip for when you’re at home: when at home playing with just me, my DS has to take turns with me about what we’re going to play with/what to watch on CBeebies/who gets the best train to play with/which book we’re going to read etc as it makes it more normal when he’s then out and about.
Also echoing others saying don’t compare your DS to other children, it’s not useful - bad for you and bad for him. He is amazing, tell him that all the time, and tell yourself that too. Since having DS I always congratulate myself out loud for doing something hard (awkward at first but oh well) eg “you have such a clever mummy fixing your train track” etc and my DS now says “good job” to himself and others when doing something tricky. It will help your self esteem as well as modelling it to your DS too!
It’s so hard being so anxious, I understand, but you made the first tricky step to help yourself and your DS so good for you.

That sounds like a tough day. You say your son isn't used to doing these things so he was just overwhelmed. Try again but just do one of those things.

OP please don't compare yourself to anyone else. You are doing the best you can do.

I have a 12 yo, 7 yo, 6 yo& 3 yo I'm really struggling myself I hate to think about weekends when they're all off school and deliberately doing my head in. But we are mums and we are strong it's what we signed up for. We have to learn to build boundaries. For eg. My 3.5 year old thinks he can fish in the bathroom sink
Or bath and think there's no problem with dragging all the SOAKING WET TOYS THROUGH OUR LIVING ROOM CARPET. I SAY NO I am not willing to do this. You will either cry or go and push your toy to your bedroom.
We're the parents hunnies and remember what we say goes.

We are only human and are still learning at the things we do for our children. Let's make this about being a team our kids deserve the best in life don't they? 💕

P.S you are not a bad mother, you are just finding things hard at the moment. That’s ok. It’s what you do about it that matters, and ultimately how you are going to make things less challenging for you both in the long run xx

Just like you are learning new skills (in getting out and about, socialising, entering new environments etc), he is too. It’s going to take you both time and it’s a process so give yourself and him some understanding. It might also help to explain your situation to his nursery so they can support his development in the best way possible.

YABVU. What else could you possibly expected to have happened if you haven’t socialised your son?

You say you’ve been working on manners at home but that isn’t going to cut it. He needs to be around other children his own age and interact with them - that’s how he learns.

(You should also be aware he doesn’t have the developmental ability to share at this age.)

0-4 is a crucial time. Absolutely crucial. You have to put your son first here.

My son is 18 months old. Been in nursery since 7 months, very socialised and lots of baby groups, etc since he was tiny. He still does all the things your son did.
And some days I just get on with it. Other days I want to grab him and run home to cry because it feels like he’s he only one being like that.
it’s so tough, but it’s just how it is really. Yo Have to find a way to dust off and try again another day. They won’t all be great day, but they won’t all be terrible either.

Best of luck in tackling your anxiety. I know it’s hard to believe but it can be overcome.

I have a son around 2.5 who goes to nursery and is out the house most days and the day you described with your son could easily have been him. In your case it might just be he needs more practice at being in such situations. Your friends children sound like aliens to me. It’s good they’re so well behaved but it’s not typical for 2 year olds. People have suggested taking him to libraries and cafes etc but to me it’s much easier and less stressful to go to parks and soft play. Children are allowed to be wilder there whereas in cafes and libraries you’ll worry about disturbing others.

I do take him to a few groups, but my similar aged/speech boy far prefers the park. Many little boys need to get their energy out outdoors. Can you do some small park trips? If it's reasonably busy there will be plenty of opportunities for sharing (esp if there is a sandpit and toys eg) but less pressure than a toddler group and no one will care if you have to bail for one reason or another. If there's a cafe, even better, you can try that with him when he's/you're having a good day. If not, leave it. It's not essential.

My dd was far ahead of in terms of speech at the same age, it's not necessarily anything you've done, but just keep an eye. Conversely, my dd loved her pram til very late in preschool whereas my ds hates it already and would rather walk. They are all individual.

Small steps, little kids love a simple day I find.

Don’t compare yourself or your child- such a miserable process.
well done for getting out and about.
I was a bit similar when my DS was younger but for different (probably easier to resolve) reasons.
He’s at school now and great at sharing, loads of friends. You’ll get there. Well done for working so hard on it.

Toddler days are so full of ‘why are they looking at me like that,’ ‘did my child do something wrong’ etc etc. some things are justified, most are not, people are judgy and say the wrong thing, you and your child are overwhelmed and you’re so tired (just because life and kids!).

Don’t compare yourself to others. You can’t. (Your friend has more than one child so would have gotten used to no buggy. By the way two of my kids were in buggies till nearly four, two refused and I’d have to carry them age 2!!!) I love buggies!!! Doesn’t matter as long as it works for you!!

kids need to get used to sharing but it’s a process that goes on and on (youngest is 9 and sometimes I have to pull him over and say hey, he’s a guest in your house, let him play with that first!!!) and there’s always a tantrum or fallout, that’s the fun of kids lol.

Everyone is different. Enjoy your child and do small manageable amounts. Try to think about any of the wins (and there’s loads that you did that much in one day!!!)

Have a fun play day yourselves today. Huge hugs op , we all think we’re doing worse than we are xxxx

You had a bad day because you took a giant leap instead of baby steps and it highlighted how far you have to go. In time you’ll learn the mum skill of recognising when the writing is on the wall and it’s time to call it a day (that last Costa trip was a bridge too far for him on day one).
But find the positives. You did it! He managed to take turns eventually and, like all kids, just needs practice. Sounds like he behaved fairly normally for his first time, it’s just that he was a bit older than some who had more practice so you were conscious of that.
Being a mum is really hard, worse if mental health struggles come into it… BUT.. and I mean this kindly.. this is your job as his mum. It is your job to socialise him, take him to a variety of places and teach him social behaviours like turn taking, sharing, manners etc. Your job to deal with tutting strangers (ignore) and screaming tantrums (ok, this is hard, let’s head home) and walking refusal (let’s play a jumping game, let’s have a race, let’s do this next bit as rabbits/frogs/worms). You both need practice but every journey begins with the first step so you should still feel proud of yourself.

it will do you both good call it mummy and Timmy play time or something and in time he can choose and you can build up to going on a bus / train/ etc keep it you for a bit and model good interaction eg see someone say good morning. See a dog, say oh look a dog. Ask the owner the dogs name and say hello. If he is interested (my youngest with the speech problems is ) teach them ask nicely with your help model first monkey see / monkey do idea ‘excuse me what a lovely dog. Are they friendly?’ Can we say hello. Ask and model - what his name? Where does he like being stroked - ask and keep it positive.

the owner says no he’s no friendly - say ok thanks for telling us. Explain not all dogs like people eg why don’t you wave.

my youngest was obsessed by dogs couldn’t talk so I did it. Now at 10 he will talk to anyone but it always follows -

Excuse me. Is you dog friendly. Would you mind if I say hello. Can I pet him. Where does he like best. What’s his name. How old is he. What does he like playing with. Then loads of other conversations come out. They might ask him his name or he might tell them he has a dog. Mine tells the person what he wants dog wise and what he has.

90% of people are fine and enjoy this. Some are two busy and again teach him the signs someone rushing etc. a few say sorry my dog doesn’t like children. I always say thank you so much for telling us, we will just look from a distance or whatever.

you might find he likes birds or something - wildlife is great as it’s totally 👍 mine aged 3 used to carry binoculars around and we have the Merlin app to identify birds etc

Honestly I know it’s hard but you know because you are a great mum to cut yourself some slack, life is tough, little ones are tough. I’m older and more bolshy now but that person who made comments is so bloody rude - she doesn’t know you or your circumstances.

The number of times my son got a snide comment for ignoring someone / he’s got hearing issues. Or told he should be more this or that. It’s how you react - you are modelling. So I try - someone is rude - ok we will just park and leave that we don’t know what day they are having. Sometimes I ask them to repeat it. Sometimes I explain he is learning. He’s a child. Sometimes I have said ‘are you ok? ‘ they throws them.

Sounds like you are a great mum- and know what you want and need together. So start small. You could even keep a scrap book. Take a picture on your phone - print it off. Ask him what he most enjoyed write it down. If you miss a day you miss a day. After 30 days it’s a habit - and you will have a record of everything in writing of all of those 30 minutes etc

This is the case for many girls too.

My two girls were happiest grubbing around in hedges at that age and needed walking twice a day. Tbf they were always pretty good in coffee shops and the like but only because they liked eating.

Mumsnet has very strange expectations for toddlers I think generally.

That’s good. Well done! And well done for getting help!

What you went through was horrible and it is more than understandable that you’re still dealing with the aftermath. Don’t let yourself be discouraged and keep trying.

Your DS had a lot of firsts yesterday.
And it is possible that he was as anxious and afraid as you were. But he is two and therefore really doesn’t have the tools to deal with anxiety and overstimulation.
so he bolts, cries etc.

all you can do is try again and again so he can learn how to enjoy the world around him.

Well done OP, you did it! You survived it and there really weren’t any disasters. He won’t be the first toddler to find those things tricky especially if he’s not used to them. Next time you can talk to him in advance about the bus and what to expect, bring something to help distract him. He sounds exactly like my son was at that age - he’s now 7 and has impeccable manners (when we’re in public 🙄) and is always complimented.

I think this is it. Your friend with the twins takes them out a lot so they know what is expected. You little boy hasn't learnt yet. He will learn if you give him a few more opportunities. You did well to take him to the toddler group. It must have been hard for you. Could you invite your friend with the twins over for a playdate with your son. He will learn from them. Also I'd tell your friend you were grateful she helped you today. Hopefully she will help you more. Also I've found little boys are often more active than girls who may be more content to sit and colour. My DD loved making little jigsaw puzzles and colouring my son just wanted to be running about. DC are all different. My son turned out to be a very sporty DC whereas my DD loved music and art and craft. As long as they are happy it doesn't matter. Keep taking your son out so he can learn about the world.

Agree with all the other posts about one small outing at a time.

But also wanted to add, the compliments will be because of the curly hair. My son has beautiful curls, so always gets complimented about it. It's just hair.

Also, girls are often far more placid than boys. I have 2 girls and 1 boy. The girls, overall, were so good as toddlers. My boy - he just wants to run around, shout, be silly etc. It takes time and effort and routine to get him to behave half as calmly as my girls.

Lastly, if your son can't communicate well he will need to scream to show his upset. I had this the other day. Son shouting and crying as we left a toddler group. But I was able to ask him to use his words to tell me why he was sad. Turns out he thought we were going straight home when I'd promised him we'd go to the park first. If he couldn't talk, I wouldn't have been able to let him know we were going to the park, so the screaming would have continued. Once your son can talk it will become easier.

Think about what you can do to stack the odds in your favour. Make sure you've both eaten and had a drink before you go, and that he's not tired. And start small. As others have said, he didn't have a chance of getting it right today because he's had no guidance on how to play with kids or ride the bus. To confidentially manage three small children your friend will be out allllll the time. You wouldn't expect to get on a unicycle and be as good as a circus performer, but you're expecting your son to just have skills he's not learnt yet.

That’s great you’re getting help. In the meantime, is there anyone else who can take your son out, eg a relative or friend? I’d assume his behaviour was due to him not being socialised. I know it’s not your fault but I think it’s crucial you get him out and about in many different situations regularly and frequently even if this means he’s taken by others or that you go with your friend each time. The more you/he does these things, the easier it will get.

Also, you can do some socialisation activities at home, eg having your friend and her DC over for short periods so you and her and her DC can model sharing.

The pram/buggy thing is, again, connected to you not taking him out, so he’s not used to walking. Don’t worry about the comments about your friend’s DC. They’re meaningless. I think you’re hyper-focussed on them because you’re feeling guilty about your son. However, you can rectify this and your son will catch up. You just need to do it asap, whether that’s supported or by using others or whatever.

@Houseinawood Great suggestion with the binoculars- I might try that with my toddler. Sounds fun!

Don't turn this into an anti-competent-friend thread. She sounds like a great mum and a great friend to the OP. OP you need friends like this, thank her for her help today and arrange another trip. Maybe she comes to yours or meet in a park if you prefer? But don't walk away from her if she's kind & patient with you & your son.

I really don’t agree. She sounds smug to me. Not that this makes her evil, but it isn’t going to help the OP. The OP needs people who are honest about the fact that having toddlers is bloody hard.

Your son will soon learn some social skills in nursery. It’s you who needs to see a therapist and get some help. Please work on yourself so you can give your son a lovely life.