To have taken DD’s side?

[SmellsLikeTeenSpirits]

Genuinely looking for how you might have handled this as can see how it could have played out differently.

DD 15. Diagnosed ADHD. In middle of revising for her GCSEs. Was having a friendship issue yesterday with one of her oldest and closest friends. Was handling it ok but not getting response she was looking for from friend and was frustrated and emotional. Came downstairs to ask me for advIce. DH is on sofa. Not long back from work. Hasn’t been involved in conversations to this point and doesn’t tend to get involved in DDs ‘dramas’. As she’s talking to me he tells her she should just leave it. That she’s escalating things and should drop it (not terrible advice tbf). She gets upset saying ‘I’m not asking you , you don’t know what’s going on’ he repeats ‘leave it’ a few times but not in a particularly engaged way. DD starts crying. DH says ‘there’s no need to get upset’ DD gets up to leave the room and mutters ‘prick’ under her breath as she leaves (she has never sworn in front of or at either of us before).

DH roars ‘what did you say?’. DD runs upstairs in full tears. DH chases after her and gets really in her face on the landing shouting ‘what did you say? Say it to my face! You do not get to call me that’. At which point I go upstairs and intervene - DD goes into her room. DH is stil fuming. I tell him to calm down and stop making this about him (not helpful I know). I then go in and calm down DD. I listen to her for a bit and I do tell her that it’s not acceptable to say that to her dad and that she shouldn’t take her anger out on him.

I then go back downstairs where DH is scrolling on his phone. I leave it 5 mins and then say ‘are we going to talk about this?’ He says ‘what, the fact that you’re ok with DD calling me a prick?’ I say ‘No, about how you could have handled that differently and how it’s not acceptable that she called you that but your response wasn’t what she needed from you at that moment and you could have just let the whole situation defuse and then talked to he about it when you were both calm?’. He says ‘I’ve given up expecting you to support me on anything and I’m not having this conversation’ and goes to bed. He left for work that morning without saying goodbye (although he did still make me a coffee). I feel rinsed today and am wondering if he’s right and I should have just let it play out between them? What would you have done?

He followed his daughter to tell her off after she called him a prick. Perfectly acceptable. He shouldn’t of got in her face but there is nothing wrong with telling a child off who thinks calling her dad a prick is acceptable.

This is not perfectly acceptable from any parent:

“DH roars ‘what did you say?’. DD runs upstairs in full tears. DH chases after her and gets really in her face on the landing shouting ‘what did you say? Say it to my face! You do not get to call me that’.”

sure he got angry and telling her she shouldn’t call him a prick wouldn’t have been wrong. What he did far exceeds that and goes into the abusive category.

I am pretty horrified by some of these responses. What on earth are you teaching a teenager that it's 'ok to swear at her parent' ? 'Because she has ADHD' it's made up , excusory bollox .

I have ADHD. (One of the first Adults to be diagnosed in 2006) a diagnosis that came about through my sons assessment and recognised myself in the process. I am now 62yrs old. My son is in his late 20s. My step son has severe ASD (severe enough to require a special school) My teen parenting years were filled with multiple kids with ADHD and ASD... not ONCE ... never ONCE have I ever been sworn at. The complete nonsense of the 'no filter' term is just such lazy parenting.

They all have a filter. They just need parents to put in the extra effort to TEACH what is appropriate.
There are so many issues that people with ADHD really can't control.
Finishing tasks
Organising
Keeping ordered thoughts
Focus
Getting overwhelmed with to many 'to dos'

Being fucking rude to your parents just isn't in it.
I have also NEVER sworn at my parents or family. That's because ADHD does not mean you don't know right from wrong.

I get really fed up with this 'get out of jail free' by waving the adhd card. It fails to understand that you can be both an disrespectful arse and have a neurodiversity , They are not mutually exclusive.

Being an apologist for this behaviour because she has a 'label' will do her no life favours.

What is he like usually? Based on this incident, he wasn't being a prick when he offered advice to your daughter, but he became a prick by reacting so violently to being called one.

If he has form for being a prick, it's fair enough for your daughter to call him one. Too many men go around acting like pricks because people let them get away with it.

If he doesn't have form for this, I'd put it down as both of them being at fault.

Regardless of the behaviour, it's unacceptable for a parent to respond in an aggressive and intimidatory manner.

It is not abuse. Sick to the back teeth of everyone labelling everything abuse now. It’s beyond ridiculous.

He chased after his daughter who ran off after she called him a prick and shouted at her, telling her off. He clearly had to follow her to tell her off.
She doesn’t get to call him that!! What he is saying isn’t wrong.

No he shouldn’t of got in her face and should of taken a step back but he is absolutely allowed to follow after his daughter and shout at her for her unacceptable behaviour.

And calling someone a prick isn’t aggressive?

No way would I let my daughter call me a prick and then not tell her off by raising my voice. He shouldn’t of got in her face but he had every right to follow her and tell her off.

Yes, she should be told that it's not acceptable to insult him like that. Nobody should be speaking like that to each other in a family. But nothing positive is added to this reprimand by 'getting in her face', which is more than just raising the voice and which you yourself agree he shouldn't have done.

He thought it unreasonable for her to get upset at being treated dismissively and rudely, but he thinks it all right to lose his temper in an aggressive way at her, when he is treated dismissively and rudely? Why? If anyone should have greater control of their emotions, it's an adult who must be at least 40, not the 15 year old.

@ap1999 Nobody is teaching their children to swear at people, some people have just developed methods to raise their kids that doesn’t involve going ape shit at them when they get frustrated and make a mistake. A grown man chasing a girl to shout in her face is not going to do anything good whatsoever for the girl or their relationship. There are other methods that are far better for everyone involved. Adults who are aggressive and lack control like this father does not deserve respect.

So if your husband did the same to you, chased you inside your home so he can shout in your face you wouldn’t think he’s abusive?

He wasn’t dismissive or rude. He gave the advice that she should leave it as she was escalating the situation with her friends. The OP has said this wasn’t terrible advice so she probably was escalating the situation if the mum agrees.

what is rude about him giving the advice that she should drop it? That’s sound advice and probably what was needed between a group of teens!

She was rude when she replied how she didn’t ask him.

Her calling him a prick was bad
Him screaming in her face was bad (worse imho but even if not, they both behaved badly.
The difference is - she is a child, he is an adult.
Therefore the onus on him is how to teach her to behave, and he is 'more' at fault.

What was his desired outcome from how he reacted? That she learns it isn't okay to swear at people (fair enough!) but it IS okay to shout in the face and behave aggressively towards someone who is younger, smaller and weaker than you? Not great parenting....

Maybe when they've both calmed down discuss with them what they should have done to avoid the incident escalating -
her, ask to go upstairs and talk privately if she didn't want her dad to get involved in the conversation, not swear at people, and if they call her out on it to apologise.
Him - don't get involved in conversations you're not a part of, don't escalate things once someone has told you they don't want your opinion, don't react OTT, apologise when you've done something wrong.

But I wouldn't apologise to him for your intervention, no. He's being a sulky man child because he thinks you took her side against his, but if he had reacted calmly you would have supported him, because only dd would have been in the wrong for swearing. It was his own behaviour and reaction that escalated the situation and then put him in the wrong.

Wouldn’t I be being abusive by calling my husband a prick in the first place ?

His response is way over the top. He dismissed your concerns to shut you down, you called him a prick under your breath, he chases you upstairs to shout in your face. He’s definitely the aggressive one.

Has literally anyone actually said that she shouldn't have been told off at all though?
Let alone 'so many' people?

Or have people just suggested that the WAY he reacted wasn't appropriate?

Thank you ❤️ I saw a parallel too but wasn’t sure if I was projecting.

I see my mum a few times a year. She separated from my stepdad many years later and I’ve stayed in loose contact with him too. They’re both very damaged people in their own way and my dad died when I was little so they’re the only parents I have.

It’s not a coincidence that I live 100s of miles away from them though!

Or he gave sound advice that she needs to leave it and to stop escalating the situation.

A lot of people have said he deserved to be called a prick yeh.

Yes, she was rude to say that she didn't ask him. She could have been reprimanded for that and told that a conversation she's having in a shared family room is something that other family members present in that room can contribute to.

He was dismissive and rude. She was talking about a friend situation that was bothering her to OP. He kept saying 'just leave it' to her, which was dismissive of her. She's upset and bothered about the situation; what he's saying to her is 'this doesn't matter, you're not allowed to be upset or voice your upset, just stop talking about it'. He can advise her to leave it once; it's rude and dismissive to keep repeating it at her. 'There's no need to be upset' is also dismissive and rude. She was upset because she wasn't being listened to when she was talking about a problem with a friend and asking OP for advice. He's essentially saying, 'your problem that you came to your mother for doesn't matter, you being upset doesn't matter', which is dismissive. It's not surprising she was upset: she's a teenager having a problem with a friend, trying to get advice from her mother, and what she's getting is her father telling her over that her feelings don't matter and she shouldn't show them to anyone.

If I EVER called my parents that I would be in deep trouble.

You're using the fact she's revising as an excuse for her to be rude to everyone. When she's stressed at work will you excuse her calling her boss a prick? Your husband was right, you don't need to get angry at him for that.

Well your daughter isn't wrong, he proved her point by behaving like a prick. Obviously her calling him a prick is unacceptable but she's a teenager and also has ADHD so whilst I do think it's right that she was reprimanded for her comment it is somewhat expected teenage behaviour exacerbated by her ADHD. His behaviour on the other hand is not that expected of an actual adult who should have more control of his emotions, it was way OTT and like other posters have pointed out is abusive. What would you think if he'd done the same you?

Because of his subsequent aggressive behaviour roaring in her face.

Any idea how frightening it is to have a grown man screaming at you?

But the husband is basically using the excuse of "she called me a prick" for his own bad behaviour. The daughter should have been reprimanded for what she did, this can be done calmly and respectfully. Not by chasing her up the stairs and bellowing in her face (by a supposedly grown up man). No wonder she calls people pricks when things don't go her way, look at the behaviour she's being modelled at home.

So she was using her crystal ball calling him a prick before he roared in her face. What a clever rude girl she is.

Ah but the advice doesn't seem to be...'poor you, yes you are always right and your friend should have done what you said/accepted your behaviour' and recently that's unacceptable on mn it seems!