To have taken DD’s side?

[SmellsLikeTeenSpirits]

Genuinely looking for how you might have handled this as can see how it could have played out differently.

DD 15. Diagnosed ADHD. In middle of revising for her GCSEs. Was having a friendship issue yesterday with one of her oldest and closest friends. Was handling it ok but not getting response she was looking for from friend and was frustrated and emotional. Came downstairs to ask me for advIce. DH is on sofa. Not long back from work. Hasn’t been involved in conversations to this point and doesn’t tend to get involved in DDs ‘dramas’. As she’s talking to me he tells her she should just leave it. That she’s escalating things and should drop it (not terrible advice tbf). She gets upset saying ‘I’m not asking you , you don’t know what’s going on’ he repeats ‘leave it’ a few times but not in a particularly engaged way. DD starts crying. DH says ‘there’s no need to get upset’ DD gets up to leave the room and mutters ‘prick’ under her breath as she leaves (she has never sworn in front of or at either of us before).

DH roars ‘what did you say?’. DD runs upstairs in full tears. DH chases after her and gets really in her face on the landing shouting ‘what did you say? Say it to my face! You do not get to call me that’. At which point I go upstairs and intervene - DD goes into her room. DH is stil fuming. I tell him to calm down and stop making this about him (not helpful I know). I then go in and calm down DD. I listen to her for a bit and I do tell her that it’s not acceptable to say that to her dad and that she shouldn’t take her anger out on him.

I then go back downstairs where DH is scrolling on his phone. I leave it 5 mins and then say ‘are we going to talk about this?’ He says ‘what, the fact that you’re ok with DD calling me a prick?’ I say ‘No, about how you could have handled that differently and how it’s not acceptable that she called you that but your response wasn’t what she needed from you at that moment and you could have just let the whole situation defuse and then talked to he about it when you were both calm?’. He says ‘I’ve given up expecting you to support me on anything and I’m not having this conversation’ and goes to bed. He left for work that morning without saying goodbye (although he did still make me a coffee). I feel rinsed today and am wondering if he’s right and I should have just let it play out between them? What would you have done?

So she was supposed to be calmly and respectfully reprimanded when she'd run off?

Do you like comprehension? People are saying he proved her right that he was a prick, after she called him one.

She was already leaving room because the twat wasn’t letting her speak to her mother.

He is a prick. Should she have called her dad that, no? Is he one for chasing after a 15 year old and screaming in her face being aggressive? Yes. I don't know why this is difficult for people to understand. I'm shocked at the people justifying it. I could go downstairs right now and call my husband a prick (I wouldn't obviously) but never in a million years would he be so aggressive. Some people need to raise their standards.

He is entitled to be angry.

He is not entitled to behave in a way that could have made her feel physically threatened. That's absolutely not on and l would be having a serious think about whether l would want him around her.

Wow!!! I seriously hope you are not a parent!!! 🤬

It's a difficult age tbh for kids and I remember being that age and my mum just being so dismissive with me (like your DH was) and it was so frustrating. Looking back I was still a child and needed support and my mum would often act childish (like your DH with his reaction). I think what you did was right, letting DD know it's not acceptable to use that language but also listening to her and supporting her. It's a big issue in her life at the minute.

‘Leave it’ advice from….. someone who wouldn’t leave it 🤣

YES!!!!

Because that's how she learns what is and iant acceptable behaviour!!!

I’ve given up expecting you to support me on anything and I’m not having this conversation’ is this true though op? Is it you and dd vs him? What does 'not getting response she wanted from friend' mean?

Your DH was being a prick. He was being very dismissive of her, assuming he knows best, and not listening to her. She didn’t feel heard at all by him. Presumably he wouldn’t get away with that with you when you are upset about something.

Yes- the living room is a family space where any member of the family is free to be. Conversations held there are, be definition, not “private” and others present will hear. In that situation- child is upset about something that has happened- it is not surprising that a parent (perhaps not the one the child directed the initial conversation to) would form an opinion and offer advice. It is rude to turn around and say “I wasn’t talking to you” to your parent. She might be irritated by the unasked for advice she received, but that does not excuse rudeness. Additionally. I strongly suspect from my knowledge of teenage girls that this advice was not what she wanted to hear which further wound her up- had her dad agreed with her viewpoint or planned action, I bet she would not have minded the “interference”.

my daughter does this- if you disagree with her opinion on something or the advice you give, she can get a bit angsty/defensive. Especially if she is already wound up about the subject or is upset about it. I can imagine her retorting “I wasn’t asking you” if I gave her advice that was absolutely not what she wanted to hear in regards to an argument with a friend (especially if she was convinced she was right)- but if I agreed with her she would be happy to be “interrupted”/have unsolicited advice. I genuinely would not let that sort of rudeness slide. I wouldn’t yell at her, but I would make it known that it was not ok.

that's a completely different thing though. He proved her insult by reacting as a prick. It's fair enough for people to point out that chasing after someone smaller, younger and more vulnerable than you and screaming in their face are the actions of a prick.

That doesn't mean that she shouldn't have been told off for swearing at him BEFORE he did that. You completely made that up, because nobody has said it.

"So, what, he was supposed to act like a fully grown adult? React calmly and appropriately to a situation?"

um, YES. That's exactly it! 👏
A grown man should have reacted like a grown man and not lost his temper unnecessarily.
i.e. HE should have demonstrated the behaviour he presumably wanted the DD to follow.

How hard is that to understand?

Fucking hell, why is the bar for men so low?

Parenting consists of demonstrating the behaviour you want your child to follow, not "I see your bad behaviour and I'll raise it..."

So it is OK to call someone names because they just might prove you right? That's if he was a prick, she wants to be a big girl speaking to him like that so she got the telling off she deserved.

haha good point! do as I say not as I do...

I think the bar is low for teenagers if people think it is OK to be so rude to a parent and then call him a prick.

So he tells off an empty room. Yes she will definitely learn something from that.

Well we can guess why you think it is acceptable to call people pricks.

I HAVEN'T SAID IT WAS OKAY
Hardly anyone (in fact, has anyone?) said that.
I've/They've just said that 2 wrongs don't make a right.
Her behaviour was bad, but she's a child.
His behaviour was worse, and he's an adult.

If he hadn't responded the way he did, and OP had posted on here "was dd right to call DH a prick?" then I'm sure the vast majority of people would have responded "No of course not that's really rude." But that wasn't the OP.

If OP had posted 'how should we have reacted to DD calling DH a prick?"
Again I'm sure most people would have recommended telling her off/punishing her in some way. I highly doubt people would have said "You should run up to her room, slam her door open, square up to her until your face is inches from hers, and scream in her face."

Because that would be terrible advice, because it's terrible parenting!

seriously??? 🙄

Now I know what is going on when people post on here about going 'nuclear' at the school because their child was 'shouted at' by the teacher to get out of the class.. and all they did was call the teacher 'a fucking bitch faced cunt' cos they asked them to put their phone away, they're traumatised now by the teacher 😒.

I’ve found that Western parenting has been reduced to bending over backwards to be your child’s best friend, being liked at all times and at all cost (even if it means not being respected) and finding more and more excuses for their sh*y behaviour. Anything and everything in order to avoid actual parenting.

And when these parents can no longer cope, either their relationship breaks down or the teen gets kicked out.

No wonder Western teenagers have succumbed to a massive mental health crisis.

I think she should have apologised after you spoke to her in her room, and if she didn't want to you should have told her to, and he should have apologised to her for shouting and getting angry, they are both wrong, but to be honest her crime was worse, calling either of your parents a prick is completely out of line and you going in to calm her down seems to be pandering to her IMO and taking her side, when you should have remained neutral or backed him up before it escalated.

I don't agree that he was goading her, he told her to leave it with her friend and stop escalating it.. which isn't bad advice, she just didn't want to hear it, was rude to him, then instead of accepting she wasn't going to get the advice she wanted and he was probably just wanting a bit of peace and quiet after work, she had to get that last barb in at the end. Anything that happened after that was a situation of her own making to be fair, actions have consequences, she didn't call you a prick so you don't get really get to decide what those consequences are, this should have all been put to bed last night though and not gone off to bed/work unresolved.

I would never accept my DD calling my DH a prick or any names, I'd have chased her up the stairs myself and dragged her down to immediately apologise.

Care to elaborate why you feel so triggered by a different approach that you need to make comments ad personam?