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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate Broken Homes

133 replies

MintTraybake · 25/04/2024 15:21

Why does everyone think that a "Broken Home" is worse than staying in an abusive/loveless partnership?

I find it so gross 😬

Why on earth anyone would think blindly staying together for children is more beneficial than their children experiencing healthy relationships or healthy singledom is absolutely beyond me!

Ignoring the financial aspect - why would anyone bother!?!?!

*YABU - Broken homes are the worst
*YANBU - Healthy homes are best

OP posts:
Tuesday03 · 26/04/2024 15:29

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Original poster
MintTraybake · 26/04/2024 16:02

WhimsicalMoth · 26/04/2024 12:56

I feel slightly different to a lot of posters on this thread. I think a lot of women actually do stay in relationships they're not happy in just for their children. (DV / abusive relationships are NOT included in this statement)
A lot of people get comfortable and don't want to uproot their children's lives if they can help it - and would rather stay in the normality they've known for years than leave if their situation in their opinions is not "exceptionally bad"
Single parent homes can absolutely work, and be happy and functional, but it doesn't stop the hard-wired belief that children should have a 2 parent household, that a lot of women (and men) still do share.

You've eloquently put what i clearly haven't been able to write myself,

Especially in your last part about the Hard-Wired belief. This is my lived experience.

A lot of people do stay for many many many years, again, in my view.

OP posts:
WhimsicalMoth · 26/04/2024 16:07

@MintTraybake it is absolutely true. They do stay, it must be very miserable and not much fun for both parties, but I really do believe it is a hard wired belief. And I've seen it within my own family too. AND I am quite young, and still surprisingly have this view! But yes, I do believe it's true and totally agree with you.

PurpleBugz · 26/04/2024 16:10

I never saw any affection between my parents. Mum constantly moaning and unhappy. Divorce was considered absolutely not an acceptable thing to do. I grew up and had abusive relationships and while I do take responsibility for some of the bad choices I've made I do think a big contribution to it was I didn't know what a healthy relationship looked like. Staying for the children absolutely is not always best

Original poster
MintTraybake · 26/04/2024 16:10

EarringsandLipstick · 26/04/2024 14:34

Why on earth anyone would think blindly staying together for children is more beneficial than their children experiencing healthy relationships or healthy singledom is absolutely beyond me!

Even from your OP, this is an over-simplification. There are many people who agonise about separating, with DC in mind. This might be to do with what they perceive their DC will lose, in terms of a family set-up, the type of lifestyle they might not have, the practical implications of having to share custody of their children. That's not 'blindly' doing anything - it's a completely natural worry and consideration that many separating couples will have.

And if the relationship you are leaving (as mine was) is abusive and damaging, the idea that there's a possibility of a healthy relationship or that you can feel happy again, when single, seems hard to believe.

I'm not arguing with you that the idea that staying together no matter what is not a good approach, but I am taking issue with your sweeping generalisations that this is somehow typical. It's not. And the 'broken home' terminology is definitely anachronistic.

Of course these posts are an over simplification? That's the point of having emotive AIBU/AINBU topics. They lead to discussion.
They show the difference in experiences that people can live, while seemingly being in a similar experience.
What's the ideal of your input? To just blast the post completely and not bother posting it? Or is there something you're trying to teach me here?

As stating " but never have heard the phrase 'broken home'. About me or others" is essentially just rubbishing what I've said and what others are saying. Instead of thinking " WOW I hadn't realised other people have a hard time and are feeling judged about this? How crap for them" You've stated its essentially a lie and irrelevant.

Just because you haven't lived it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

Ambivalent sexism is a whole other kettle of fish which I'll leave for what needs to be a better written poll, clearly.

OP posts:
Original poster
MintTraybake · 26/04/2024 16:12

PurpleBugz · 26/04/2024 16:10

I never saw any affection between my parents. Mum constantly moaning and unhappy. Divorce was considered absolutely not an acceptable thing to do. I grew up and had abusive relationships and while I do take responsibility for some of the bad choices I've made I do think a big contribution to it was I didn't know what a healthy relationship looked like. Staying for the children absolutely is not always best

Sorry you experienced this - I understand your sentiment and hope that you can heal from any shame/blame you feel for those decisions.

Its good to take responsibility, but important to learn from things and grow and do better next time, rather than feel any shame for them.

Due to religious regions, I had a similar experience to you in childhood, very difficult indeed x

OP posts:
Tuesday03 · 26/04/2024 16:12

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Didimum · 26/04/2024 16:14

I've never seen anyone on MN advise that a woman remain in an abusive relationship. Loveless? Well – there is a subset on MN poster who do believe that a home should be kept as stable for children as possible, and that a split family causes more harm for them than to witness a less-than-happy union between their parents. To split isn't always going to lead to joyous singledom or a happily blended family – it can lead to extreme financial pressures, displacement, unsuitable step-parents/siblings, and trauma of moving schools/areas/homes, etc.

I don't know the answer, but I do think it's highly complex and the above isn't a ridiculous thing to consider.

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