My Mother Said She Wouldn't Die For Me.

[LostSoul89]

Morning all!

I've contemplated posting this for days but feared I'd look stupid. The back story is, me, my mum and my 18 year old daughter were watching a film the other night where hostages were being held at gun point and two of them were mother and son. The mother begged for her life to be taken to save her sons.

My daughter asked me if I'd do that for her, to which I replied "Of course, no doubt about it DD" . My daughter then asked my mum if she would do the same for me, to which she hastily replied "No". We thought she was joking at first but she was adamant she would put herself first. I got quite upset and said I would rather she had just lied to me.

It's not even the first time she's shown how selfish she is - two weeks ago I was staying at hers overnight and we thought we heard an intruder and she practically pushed me down the stairs to go and check! To add insult to injury - my mum is a fit, young 60 year old and I have disabilities that require a walking stick to walk.

Some people might think I'm being pathetic but I'm so hurt, I can stop thinking about what she said to me. I could maybe understand if I was a douche bag of a daughter but I'm not.

AIBU?

Are your children young or adults though?

I get dying for your child when they’re.. a child.
They don’t have a chance, they haven’t lived and can’t fight.

But expecting an adult to die for another adult is absolutely wild 😂 I wouldn’t expect my mum to die for me. I wouldn’t want her to. To live with the absolute guilt as an adult that the woman to have me life also sacrificed her own for me? No thanks.

I genuinely would die for my daughter. However I think my mum would say the same as yours. She loves me, she's just no use with hypothetical scenarios- and is also a wuss 😅
Don't let it worry you. It was just a conversation.

@wombat15 why does it matter? Everyone in the OP is an adult.

I suspect the people saying “don’t be ridiculous, you’re an adult, not a child” have young children, and can’t imagine how they’ll feel when their kids are adults. The protective instinct is just as strong.

On its own I think your mum not passing your 'test' is a bit weird - it's a very odd, hypothetical scenario. I wouldn't expect my mum to die for me, and I wouldn't ask her that question. Perhaps there are bigger issues at the heart of this though?

I am no martyr but would choose for my adult kids to live over me. If nothing else they have more years to potentially give the world. And of course I love them more than anyone.

I can see why your mum not lying hurt you OP.

Yes. The same people who think kids transform into fully-fledged adults on their 18th birthday and shouldn’t be given any support after that day.

Whilst I have a full and active life in my fifties, my enjoyment of life would be ruined if I lost one of my kids. So there would not be a great argument for me saving my life over theirs anyway.

Words are cheap though. Easy to say.

I had a relative that really did give his life for others - not for family members either. Very sad and frankly think he should have saved himself. Some people really are heroes.

reading in the paper about a young boy who fell / jumped off one of the bridges in London. A twenty something woman passerby shouted “why is nobody doing anything” and jumped in after him.

I agree op it's awful. Every parent should do whatever it takes to protect their child's life, no matter what the age.

It is just an observation. All the people who think OP is being ridiculous don't have adult children and I don't think realise that the protective instinct towards children doesn't change once they reach their 18th birthday.

It’s entirely hypothetical-
A Very bizarre thing for an adult child to ask their parent.

When something happens, one often reacts instinctively- I will protect a vulnerable person or animal in my care- proven .

But til it happens you don’t know his one will react

I’d never ask that question of ANYONE.
It’s not fair.

It’s very needy to ask a parent if they’d protect / die for you as an adult.

Who asks stuff like that?!

That is heroic.

I kind of feel like a massive freak now. I have autism and I don't always know how I should feel in certain social situations - hence why I came here.

To the people that have asked

• YES I would die for my mum and dad and my children

• YES I had a very neglectful childhood. My mother has always been very selfish and thoughtless.

• YES I do feel unloved and un appreciated.

@wombat15 some of my children are adults, some not….

I think you're being very dramatic.

I remember when I was about 19, I was being a little shit, a true pain in the hole. Wasn't sure where I was goin in life and not doing enough to get anywhere.
Had been fighting with my parents a lot and I said something about them helping and loving me unconditionally.

It was then my mother said, "once you turn 18, you are not entitled to unconditional love and support from us. You have to do your bit as an adult, you have to learn that even your family have boundaries and will not give you everything you want and need".

At first I thought it was the worst thing a mother could say. I totally get it now.

@LostSoul89 big big drip feed there! You should have put that in your opening post and you would have had hugely different responses. I’m sorry that you had a tough childhood. I am also sorry that this thread has upset you. Maybe time to distance yourself from your mum. Have you looked at the stately home threads in Relationships? Take care 🌺

@redfacebigdisgrace I didn't intend to drip feed

@LostSoul89 I know. It’s just that if people know you had autism they would have allowed for that in their response. I’m just explaining that people would have been gentler on you.

But actually it’s a lesson to me to be more tactful. I’m sorry if I added to your upset.

@redfacebigdisgrace I think I have a black or white view of the world. All I know is that her reaction upset me and I'm sorry if that's not a normal reaction.

My mother has just given me a big sum of money. Not life changing but significant when it hit the bank account.

But she gave my brother more and earlier and I only got it cos he asked and she has to be sent to be fair.

So instead of being a grown up and emotionally disengaging I'm having a bit of sulk and doing low level acts of rebellion because I don't have a nice mother/daughter life.

I will also be expected to uphold the position of dutiful daughter in public.

I have so far bought a really nice overpriced jumper and booked a holiday to somewhere she has never wanted to go.

I don't know how to reframe this latest period but best wishes while you are processing yours.

And are sure you have autism? Realised a few years ago that my parents were quite crazily narcissistic so no wonder I was desperately looking for rules everywhere.